It’s a Cork Poppin’ Good Time: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapters 2 & 3

Sixty-five pinterest users pinned my “Introductory post” pin, but a lot of them changed what I wrote about our blog to, “<333” or “loved it!” meaning the book, not this blog, sadly. Little do they know, the link to our site is still embedded in the pin, and “badbooksgoodtimes” still appears under the image. I’m calling it a win, people! Also the best comment was, “Loved the book, hated the filth.” So I guess she liked the first one hundred pages and then a couple sentences here and there later?

But most importantly there have been a few searches that have led people to this page including: “Read Fifty Shades of Grey online”, “Description of Anastasia Steele”, “Christian Grey fucking”, “Christian Grey’s cock size”, and “Christian Grey penis.” Sorry, searchers, I do not yet have access to that kind of information about Christian’s penis, but perhaps if you keep reading, we’ll be able to share in the various discoveries and joys of Christian Grey’s penis together.

Chapter 2 & 3 Summaries

Chapter two introduces us to a few more elements of Ana’s life: her mother is a total flake, on “Husband Number 3”, or as I like to call him, the Artist Formerly Known as Bob. Husband Number 2, Ray, is Ana’s step-father but she considers him her real father. He communicates in grunts, and “all seems well with him”.

We meet Jacob José. Damn, those J names are easy to confuse. He’s a photographer and definitely not a werewolf, and definitely wearing a shirt in this scene. More on his potentially sandstone abs later. They have been best friends since day one at WSU, and, get this guys, “Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we also discovered that Ray and José Senior were in the same army unit together. As a result, our fathers have become good friends, too.” Get outta, town. That’s shit’s crazy and not at all awkwardly worked in!

José is carrying a torch for Ana, which is kind of similar to the relationship between those Jacob and Bella kids over in the Twilight world. Should I go print my Team José and Team Christian shirts now or later? Only time, or perhaps chapter four, will tell.

“I watch José open the bottle of champagne…Yes José’s pretty hot, but I think he’s finally getting the message: we’re just friends. The cork makes its loud pop, and José looks up and smiles.” Nothing like an unsubtle sex allusion to get my cork poppin’. You can really see James easing into the sexy so as not to thrust us into cardiac arrest too soon.

Mmm phallicy.
Then Christian shows up at Clayton’s while Ana’s working, and she finally stops referring to him by his full name constantly, so now I can too. When Ana sees Christian , James turns the sensuality up a notch. “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something.” God, I’m both hungry AND aroused…or something. Will this book cool its jets for a freaking second and let a girl fan herself…or something.

He then proceeds to get a bunch of items that are clearly going to be used during the sexy time later. Cable ties, Masking tape, and rope. And as Ana describes what kind of rope they have, I shit you not, Christian’s eyes “darken.” Subtly, you are not welcome here.

Paul, some guy Ana works with, is also really into her, but she doesn’t return his affections. He and Christian glare at each other and shoot testosterone fueled lasers at one another while Ana presumably stands there twitching nervously again. Christian then offers his time to do a photo shoot for the article and gives Ana his number. Christian leaves her, “a quivering mass of raging female hormones.” I felt very uncomfortable typing that sequence of words together. I can only imagine how I’ll feel as I progress into the erotic portion of my journey through Fifty Shades. 

3

Ha, I bet you think this post is going to be like twenty pages long since I have yet to do chapter three. Fuck you, you’re wrong. Because chapter three is just the photo shoot and a really awkward coffee date where Christian confuses mysterious with empty-headed. The two are actually fairly easily confused, I’ve fallen for guys before thinking they are self-contained or complicated when really they are just straight up dumb. So I guess points for realism here? The chapter ends with Christian rescuing Ana from a cyclist who is going the wrong way down the street. As she falls into his sculpted arms, romance novels everywhere applaud and say, “Well done.”

Notes n’ Quotes

2

-Paragraph one of chapter two is filled with irony, and of course, sandstone. Ana refers to “immaculate sandstone floors”, “cleansing damp air” and “purifying breath”. James has some pretty deep symbolism going on here. Ha, purity.

-“No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility?” I thought “civility” was just the best divorcees with children could hope for from their ex, but apparently it’s also very sexy. Who knew?

-We find out Ana works at a hardware store called Clayton’s, and after all the obsessive and painful attention to detail, James suddenly skimps out on us! Maybe it’s because this shift gives her “something to focus on that isn’t Christian Grey” and therefore isn’t worthy of attention.

“Mrs. Clayton looks relieved to see me.

‘Ana, I thought you weren’t going to make it today.’

‘My appointment didn’t take as long as I thought. I can do a couple of hours.’

‘I’m real pleased to see you.’

She sends me to the storeroom to start restocking shelves, and I’m soon absorbed in the task.”

Yup, you read that correctly. No, she didn’t call her boss to tell her she was coming in, and no there was no point to this. That’s how the section about work (mostly) begins and ends.

-“He just wanted to show me around so I could see he was the lord of all he surveyed.” How does James expect me to like a character that is this dumb? That would be a grand total of no one’s reasoning for why Christian wanted to show them around. Considering Ana’s spoken to him for about a half hour, I’m surprised she didn’t either think that he was into her or just being surprisingly polite.  If Ana’s not confident enough to believe he’s into her, why on earth would she think she’s important enough that Christian would need to show her he is “lord of all he surveyed”?

“’So what did you really think of him?’ Damn, she’s inquisitive.” Yeah, she’s a real ball buster, that Katherine Kavanagh. Watch out, Ana, next she might ask you if you want to order Chinese tonight.

“Saturday at the store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes…I am besieged by customers.” This makes me visualize Ana and the store being overrun by zombie customers as they begin to swarm and claim the store as their own. I can’t tell if it’s intentionally hilarious or simply a terrible use of the word “besiege”; if it’s the latter I demand a formal apology be written to this word as well as the rest of the English language.

“I gasp involuntarily as I feel it all the way down to somewhere dark and unexplored, deep in my belly.” I’m no doctor, but that’s not where you’re vagina is, Ana…unless he’s making your uterus horny. Awkward.

3

“He’s asking if you want a coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven’t woken up yet, my subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again.” Though her subconscious doesn’t know when to whine vs. mock and has moods that don’t exist, it already has more of a personality than Ana. More to come in chapter four on this, oh goodness I can’t wait to share those quotes with you guys!

“I’m mortified. In years to come, I know I’ll need intensive therapy to not feel embarrassed every time I recall that moment. I start babbling about my mother—anything to block that memory.” Ana is referring to the interview when she asked Christian if he was gay. What a hilarious turn of events that this will cause her years of intensive therapy and not her mother.

“’Do you always wear jeans?” he asks out of the blue.” Puns are fun. Get it? Blue and jeans, blue jeans! Oh, James, you clever gal you.

“He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it’s forever…” Much like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

Damn it, you guys, apparently this doesn’t become Filthy Shades of Grey until chapter eight. There’s a long road ahead of us.

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