Vaginas and Hair Braiding: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 18

In searcher news, the other day two of my favorite searches were, “christian grey and anastasia steele ass training what chapter?” and “when does grey finally claim ana’s ass in fifty shades.” I can only conclude that someone was doing their research for a dissertation about the anal relations between Ana and Christian. I smell a senior thesis for me!

I really hope one day the kids use this blog the way I use Sparknotes for Shakespeare. I sure dream big.

In Matt ‘n’ Ariel news, we both got smartphones and now have the ability to talk about this blog ALL THE TIME! And boy, do we ever! We like to joke that this blog is our child, but it’s kind of not a joke at all anymore. It’s also cool because now I can awkwardly refresh our stats every five minutes even when I’m leading a life away from my computer. I mean, because I can look up directions and stuff.

In My Mother Reads My Fifty Shades of Grey Blog news, today my mom was explaining to me that she thought that if “Ana was locked in a closet for a week by Christian, she would probably like it as much as a Sunday school picnic. And she would probably find all of his dead ex-lovers like with Bluebeard. Christian’s probably a serial killer.” I tried to record this all happening on my phone, but it didn’t work out. I don’t even understand the Sunday school picnic thing, but I love it.

Summary

Ana feels the need to tell us that her gynecologist is rad because she reminds her of Kate and has a no nonsense attitude, or rather, “doesn’t tolerate fools gladly”. I’m wondering what a nonsensical attitude or toleration of fools would be like when it comes to vaginas. I guess it would be something like Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock or that goofy doctor from Family Guy. But since vaginas look like Venus Flytraps, I don’t understand how anyone could be humorous about them.

Then the doctor has a moment that even Ana deems inappropriate:

“Mr. Grey, look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman”

Christian is taken aback–as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say. Is she giving him some kind of not-so-subtle warning?

So I guess that’s where the line is drawn for awkward exchanges. I’m still not sure I follow the logic that this book possibly operates under, but I do feel that I’m a step closer after this scene. Also, as far as inappropriate things for a doctor to say go, it really doesn’t seem all that bad, just kind of random since she seems to have gleaned all this information from Ana solely from examining “the deepest, darkest parts” of her, to quote James’ descriptions of vaginas.

Also, if the warning wasn’t subtle, then how are you not positive she gave one? Huh? Riddle me that, Steele.

After some awkward jokes which end with them both obnoxiously saying, “Gotcha!”, Ana is taken to “The Red Room of Pain”, which is the stupidest fucking name ever. I think is why I haven’t mentioned this terminology yet. Well, it’s my job to give you a thorough summary of this shit, so I won’t fail you, dear readers.

The beginning of the sex scene is really boring and everything we’ve already dealt with before. There are paragraphs dedicated to Christian taking off Ana’s dress and making her call him sir. But then this shit happens:

He pulls my hair so it’s all hanging down my back, grasps a handful at my nape, and angles my head to one side. He runs his nose down my exposed neck, inhaling all the way, then back up to my ear.”

I really was expecting this to just be full-blown Twilight again, vampires and all. The neck biting was thisclose to happening.

Okay, so fine, that’s just weird, but then THIS happens:

Pulling my hair behind me, to my surprise,  he starts braiding it in one large braid…

“I like  your hair braided in here,” he whispers.

Just when you thought this book couldn’t get any stranger and the sex less appealing, there is actually a scene where Christian braids Ana’s hair during foreplay. I’m so flabbergasted, it’s a struggle to think of a joke. Just try to picture yourself in a moment of intimacy (guys and girls, we can all get in on this one) and your partner starts braiding your hair, or you start braiding your partner’s hair. I’m glad we could all feel this uncomfortable together; I feel so much closer to you guys now.

So Christian chains Ana’s hands, and the chains are attached to this grid contraption so he can move her around the room. He ends up detailing where in the room he’ll be taking her and fucking her. Apparently if you don’t need a map to have sex, you’re doing it wrong. Whoops. Ana’s reaction: “Holy shit– it’s like a subway map.” Sexy.

Ana is turned on by the “danger” of the situation, but then she’s less turned on when she remembers Kate and Elliot know that she’s there, so her murder would probably not go unsolved. What a mood killer.

Apparently these are not mood killers for Ana, though: “You look mighty fine trussed up like this Miss Steele.” Then he starts sniffing her panties in front of her.

So Christian starts hitting Ana with a riding crop (one that looks just like the one from her dreams at that!) and she is super a lot into it. Then he makes her suck on the riding crop. But apparently Christian didn’t learn his lesson from the sexy cowboys I pictured above, because then he says, “Oh, Anastasia, you taste mighty fine.” Where is  this change in speech patterns coming from? Am I being punished for something?

So Ana is exhausted after all the sex and is also sad that Christian still won’t let her touch his chest or…let her run her tongue through his hair (his chest hair). Yes, that is actually in the book. Page 326 if you have any doubts whatsoever about my ability to correctly process disgusting shit that happens in this book. Christian doesn’t let Ana rest, though, and he tells her she needs to start building her stamina because he’s not finished with her yet.

Just in case you weren’t confident in James’ storytelling abilities, she brings into play the plastic cable ties that he purchased back at Claytons. Man, I’m sure gonna miss that store and all the good times that were had there! I’ll try to weep not for the memories.

For some reason as they start to have sex again, Christian feels the need to shout (through clenched teeth), “Hold on, Anastasia!” It makes me think of some sort of adventure movie where they hop on the back of a dragon or they’re on a magic carpet because those are situations in which “hold on!” is more than appropriate. Sex? Not so much.

Ana gets really worried because she feels like she’s going to orgasm for the third time, but she’s exhausted. You know, sometimes people do have intercourse without orgasming. Not in this universe, though! “For the first time, I fear my orgasm…if I come…I’ll collapse.” This is a real nail biter. “My body is responding…how? I feel a quickening. But suddenly. Christian stills, slamming really deep.” What a shitty and anticlimactic (literally) way to end that paragraph.

So they both come again, and then Christian cuts her out of the cable ties saying, “I declare this Ana open.” I wish a tiger would maul his face off. Truly, I do.

They have more flirty but lame exchanges, and Christian gets up to leave.

“Don’t want to frighten Taylor, or Mrs. Jones for that matter,” he mutters.

Hmm…they must know what a kinky bastard he is. The thought preoccupies me.

Then he carries Ana into the room he set aside for her and puts her to bed. But not before he dresses her like a child. This book makes me so sick to my stomach.

Notes ‘n’ Quotes

-“Taylor appears from nowhere to escort her through the double doors and out to the elevator. How does he do that? Where does he lurk?”

At first I thought when Ana asked, “How does he do that?” She meant walking people to the elevator, but what she’s really referring to is just as stupid. It completely warrants a poll. AMUSE ME, READERS! My inner goddess roared.

-Before the sex, Christian asked about Ana’s form of contraceptive, and when he hears it’s the pill, he lectures her on taking it at the same time every day.

“‘I’m sure you’ll remind me,” I murmur dryly.

‘I’ll put an alarm on my calendar.’ He smirks.”

If the guy I was banging called me every day to remind me to take the pill, that situation would probably end with me shoving him out a window next time I saw him. Homey most certainly does not play.

-“…the atmosphere between us slowly shifting, evolving…charging.” Like a pokemon! I wish I’d put “if there were pokemon” in that one poll about making this a better book. Sometimes in life you look back and have so many regrets.

-“Could I be more excited?” It saddens me that the emphasis was placed on “I” and not “be”; I was hoping this would be a Chandler Bing moment, “Could I BE more excited?!” Also the excitement she’s referring to is Christian wearing sexy jeans, but there is no specification about the brand, so we’re all left to speculate on whether or not they are Levis.

-“‘You have such a captivating, sexy ass, Anastasia Steele.'” Again, I’m trying to put myself in Ana’s position because I feel like that’s how  the book is supposed to feel sexy for the reader, but instead I just burst out laughing hysterically. He just can’t be serious. If I was having intercourse with Christian Grey, I’d never be able to keep a straight face.

I have to point one more thing out. I get that James is British, but it’s really jarring that these characters are supposed to live in Seattle but speak as though they live in England. Why did an editor not fix this? It just boggles the mind.

Sorry to end this post on a terrifying note, but on my friend’s facebook today, I saw a girl named Cate Cavanagh, and I almost issued her a PSA about how her name is nearly identical to that of Kate Kavanaugh of Fifty Shades. But how do you tell someone something so horrific? It’s too much responsibility for me.