First, we’ve decided that for the rest of Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re switching to one chapter per post. Originally we thought we were gonna work our way up to three or four chapters a post, but, nope, this book is way denser than we thought. Either meaning of the word “dense” applies.
Second, I just got back from a bar and finished packing for a weekend trip I didn’t know I was going on about two hours ago, and I have to be up in four hours. And haven’t started this post yet. But, hey, you guys need to know what’s going on in this book that you aren’t reading. This is important.
We last left our heroes at the gynecologist’s. Okay, technically it’s an ob-gyn making a house call for someone who can only reluctantly be referred to as a “protagonist”, but come on, could you resist the temptation to write “We last left our heroes at the gynecologist’s” if you had the chance? Somewhat unfortunately – or fortunately, it is very hard to tell with this book – pretty much all of Ana’s first ever appointment with an ob-gyn is skimmed over with a conciseness I could only dream of being applied to the rest of the novel.
After a thorough examination and lengthy discussion, Dr. Greene and I decide on the mini pill.
Goddammit, we’re gonna get so many search results for people trying to get on the same type of birth control as Anastasia Steele, aren’t we?
I can tell she’s burning with curiosity about my so-called relationship with Mr. Grey. I don’t give her any details.
But wait! It gets weirder.
“Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”
Christian is taken aback – as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.
Apparently Ana’s totally cool with a doctor prying into the details of her relationship while studying her vagina, but nope, it is this line where her professionalism is compromised. DEAR FUTURE DOCTORS, remember that it is okay to ask your patients particularly gossipy questions about their sex life?
And then we have an exchange that very very quickly goes from “kind of legitimately funny, actually, but still in a very Anastasia Steele kind of way” to “HOLY SHIT I AM CALLING THE COPS”.
“How was that?” Christian asks.
“Fine, thank you. She said that I had to abstain from all sexual activity for the next four weeks.”
Christian’s mouth drops open in shock, and I cannot keep a straight face any longer and grin at him like an idiot.
He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbidding. Oh, shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.
“Gotcha!” he says, and smirks.
Remember that scene in Borat where they’re trying to teach Borat sarcasm, and he completely misunderstands the purpose of the word “Not!” in the joke? This is like that, but with the threat of physical violence. It is mildly horrifying. But not as horrifying as Ana’s descriptions of Christian Grey.
He’s just sex on legs.
Just in case you’ve gotten to page 316 of this book and somehow thought Christian Grey was an amputee.
He’s so at ease with his body on one level, but then he doesn’t like to be touched … so maybe deep down he isn’t. No man is an island, I muse – except perhaps Christian Grey.
Yeah, that is THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of what that expression means. Just feel like pointing that out. Angrily, apparently. Have I mentioned I need to be up in four hours?
So Ana and Christian decide to have sex (surprise!), even though Ana hasn’t signed the contract yet, which we’ve already established something like a hundred pages ago is a meaningless document that would carry no legal weight anyway, but, hey, apparently it’s important for some reason. I have no idea what that reason is, because there is none. Especially since they keep having kinky BDSM sex anyway. But whatever. Ana and Christian prepare themselves for some kinky BDSM sex, Ana’s inner goddess is “spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette”, so whatever, all is good.
Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply.
“Good” being used very subjectively.
Anyway, here’s a fun game we’re going to play! Which will happen more during this chapter’s sex scene: Ana having an orgasm, or E L James describing something Ana does as “clumsy”? Let us find out!
“Take your shoes off,” he orders softly.
I swallow, and rather clumsily, I take them off.
One for clumsiness!
“When I tell you to come in here, I expect you to kneel over there.” He points to a spot beside the door. “Do it now.”
I blink, processing his words, then turn and rather clumsily kneel as directed.
Two for clumsiness! And only two pages later, too! At this point, Christian leaves and comes back wearing old, faded, ripped jeans (like in Ana’s dream!), carrying a leather riding crop (like in Ana’s dream!), and… makes her orgasm by hitting her clitoris with the riding crop?
He starts small, biting licks of the crop against my belly once more. Moving down, soft small licks against my clitoris, once, twice, three times, again and again, until finally, that’s it – I can take no more – and I come, gloriously, loudly, sagging weakly.
One for orgasms! Evidently! I mean, it doesn’t get much sexier than this.
he’s dragging the crop against my sex, through my pubic hair
So they’re sort of cuddling somewhat after this first round of sex, but Christian wants to keep going, but Ana is tired and – and this is actually in the book – thinks “Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?”
Immediately after this (like 1/4 a page), they have sex again and Ana has an orgasm again and, Jesus Christ, guys, Ana must have the most sensitive clitoris in the world, because she has never not come from penetrative sex. I realize that Christian Motherfucking Grey is a sex god and all, but seriously, this is getting ridiculous. Even by Fifty Shades of Grey standards.
Anyway, so then they have sex again, in a standing doggy style position with Ana bent over Christian’s bed, her hands tied with the same cable tie he purchased when she was working at the hardware store. See, I can tell you guys all the sexy details so you don’t have to read this book. More importantly, Ana “stumble[d] clumsily up into a standing position”, and, of course, came again, so the final clumsy v climaxing count is three to three. Even more importantly, I was keeping track of a “clumsy v climaxing” count while reading this book on public transportation, so, yeah, I basically hate everything.
He wields the scissors and passes one blade under the plastic.
“I declare this Ana open,” he breathes, and cuts the plastic.
Okay, now I hate everything.