Hey, It’s Another Sex Scene: Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter Eighteen

First, we’ve decided that for the rest of Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re switching to one chapter per post. Originally we thought we were gonna work our way up to three or four chapters a post, but, nope, this book is way denser than we thought. Either meaning of the word “dense” applies.

Second, I just got back from a bar and finished packing for a weekend trip I didn’t know I was going on about two hours ago, and I have to be up in four hours. And haven’t started this post yet. But, hey, you guys need to know what’s going on in this book that you aren’t reading. This is important.

Chapter Eighteen

We last left our heroes at the gynecologist’s. Okay, technically it’s an ob-gyn making a house call for someone who can only reluctantly be referred to as a “protagonist”, but come on, could you resist the temptation to write “We last left our heroes at the gynecologist’s” if you had the chance? Somewhat unfortunately – or fortunately, it is very hard to tell with this book – pretty much all of Ana’s first ever appointment with an ob-gyn is skimmed over with a conciseness I could only dream of being applied to the rest of the novel.

After a thorough examination and lengthy discussion, Dr. Greene and I decide on the mini pill.

Goddammit, we’re gonna get so many search results for people trying to get on the same type of birth control as Anastasia Steele, aren’t we?

I can tell she’s burning with curiosity about my so-called relationship with Mr. Grey. I don’t give her any details.

But wait! It gets weirder.

“Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”
Christian is taken aback – as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.

Apparently Ana’s totally cool with a doctor prying into the details of her relationship while studying her vagina, but nope, it is this line where her professionalism is compromised. DEAR FUTURE DOCTORS, remember that it is okay to ask your patients particularly gossipy questions about their sex life?

All of the pictures in this post will be jokes about The Room. Fuck off, I’m tired.

And then we have an exchange that very very quickly goes from “kind of legitimately funny, actually, but still in a very Anastasia Steele kind of way” to “HOLY SHIT I AM CALLING THE COPS”.

“How was that?” Christian asks.
“Fine, thank you. She said that I had to abstain from all sexual activity for the next four weeks.”
Christian’s mouth drops open in shock, and I cannot keep a straight face any longer and grin at him like an idiot.
He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbidding. Oh, shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.
“Gotcha!” he says, and smirks.

Remember that scene in Borat where they’re trying to teach Borat sarcasm, and he completely misunderstands the purpose of the word “Not!” in the joke? This is like that, but with the threat of physical violence. It is mildly horrifying. But not as horrifying as Ana’s descriptions of Christian Grey.

He’s just sex on legs.

Just in case you’ve gotten to page 316 of this book and somehow thought Christian Grey was an amputee.

He’s so at ease with his body on one level, but then he doesn’t like to be touched … so maybe deep down he isn’t. No man is an island, I muse – except perhaps Christian Grey.

Yeah, that is THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of what that expression means. Just feel like pointing that out. Angrily, apparently. Have I mentioned I need to be up in four hours?

So Ana and Christian decide to have sex (surprise!), even though Ana hasn’t signed the contract yet, which we’ve already established something like a hundred pages ago is a meaningless document that would carry no legal weight anyway, but, hey, apparently it’s important for some reason. I have no idea what that reason is, because there is none. Especially since they keep having kinky BDSM sex anyway. But whatever. Ana and Christian prepare themselves for some kinky BDSM sex, Ana’s inner goddess is “spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette”, so whatever, all is good.

Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply.

“Good” being used very subjectively.


Anyway, here’s a fun game we’re going to play! Which will happen more during this chapter’s sex scene: Ana having an orgasm, or E L James describing something Ana does as “clumsy”? Let us find out!

“Take your shoes off,” he orders softly.
I swallow, and rather clumsily, I take them off.

One for clumsiness!

“When I tell you to come in here, I expect you to kneel over there.” He points to a spot beside the door. “Do it now.”
I blink, processing his words, then turn and rather clumsily kneel as directed.

Two for clumsiness! And only two pages later, too! At this point, Christian leaves and comes back wearing old, faded, ripped jeans (like in Ana’s dream!), carrying a leather riding crop (like in Ana’s dream!), and… makes her orgasm by hitting her clitoris with the riding crop?

He starts small, biting licks of the crop against my belly once more. Moving down, soft small licks against my clitoris, once, twice, three times, again and again, until finally, that’s it – I can take no more – and I come, gloriously, loudly, sagging weakly.

One for orgasms! Evidently! I mean, it doesn’t get much sexier than this.

he’s dragging the crop against my sex, through my pubic hair

So they’re sort of cuddling somewhat after this first round of sex, but Christian wants to keep going, but Ana is tired and – and this is actually in the book – thinks “Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?”

And English majors everywhere kill themselves.

Immediately after this (like 1/4 a page), they have sex again and Ana has an orgasm again and, Jesus Christ, guys, Ana must have the most sensitive clitoris in the world, because she has never not come from penetrative sex. I realize that Christian Motherfucking Grey is a sex god and all, but seriously, this is getting ridiculous. Even by Fifty Shades of Grey standards.

Anyway, so then they have sex again, in a standing doggy style position with Ana bent over Christian’s bed, her hands tied with the same cable tie he purchased when she was working at the hardware store. See, I can tell you guys all the sexy details so you don’t have to read this book. More importantly, Ana “stumble[d] clumsily up into a standing position”, and, of course, came again, so the final clumsy v climaxing count is three to three. Even more importantly, I was keeping track of a “clumsy v climaxing” count while reading this book on public transportation, so, yeah, I basically hate everything.

He wields the scissors and passes one blade under the plastic.
“I declare this Ana open,” he breathes, and cuts the plastic.

Okay, now I hate everything.

You are tearing me apart, Ana!


  1. Ellen Reply

    please tell me you guys have seen this bad boy:

    its excerpts like this one (karaoke style or no) that make me understand exactly how much suffering you are going through…

  2. Amy Reply

    You know you can stop any time you like, don’t you? I don’t know either of you but I feel it’s my social responsibility to check and see if you’re ok. It’s almost like you are both walking out further onto a ledge with each passing chapter.
    There is life beyond the book! Keep the faith!

    I WISH I had’ve heard your drinking game guidelines before I attempted to read the book.

    • 22aer22 Reply

      This is actually the true and tragic story of two English majors who completely lose their mind as they read Fifty Shades of Grey.

      Well, I’m sure you plan on re-reading this treasure for many years to come and can certainly incorporate the drinking game then ;).

  3. my site Reply

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  4. Judy Reply

    “I can tell she’s burning with curiosity about my so-called relationship with Mr. Grey. I don’t give her any details.” Well, she probably has an inkling, since examining Ana”s nether region, Doc must have noticed the welts on Ana’s butt from her beating. Also, all of Christian’s employees including this Doctor who makes house calls ( what?????) must be getting paid a fortune for their loyalty, not exposing his sexual picadillos to anyone (no tell all books ?). And who keeps his little room or requirements clean and in working order?? Now that must be a fun job!

    • spiffymcpantsman Post authorReply

      you know, I didn’t even think about how the doctor must have seen Ana’s butt. I try not to think about people seeing Ana’s butt.

  5. rasanchize Reply

    1. You two are hilarious. I am so happy I know you both in real life. 2. I wanted to die when she ruined Shakespeare. 3. “The Room” pictures just made my day. 4. thank goodness I am not reading this book.

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  7. Anya Reply

    Oh Lord, I must admit I enjoyed reading this review more than the “novel”. Certainly makes for more entertaining reading, and I don’t feel the need to burn my eyes out with hot pokers every time I see a word being repeated. No offence but the author is a mighty crappy writer, the plot, is non exIstent, and to cut this short anyone who enjoys these “books” should a) – attend english lessons . b)- book an appointment with a sex therapist. If they still admire this piece of crap post their re-education and therapy, then the world really has become full of brainless fucktards

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  12. Irish Skye Reply

    “So Ana and Christian decide to have sex (surprise!), even though Ana hasn’t signed the contract yet, which we’ve already established something like a hundred pages ago is a meaningless document that would carry no legal weight anyway, but, hey, apparently it’s important for some reason. I have no idea what that reason is, because there is none. Especially since they keep having kinky BDSM sex anyway. But whatever.”

    Ok, just to be fair to my friends who are in the lifestyle, this is one of the problems real-life, loving, emotionally-available BDSM couples have with this book/series. No RL Dom would ever ever ever subject his/her sub to the kind of physical abuse Grey is using on Ana, ESPECIALLY without the contract, and NEVER on a novice like her. These are things you build up to, AFTER lengthy discussions (and yes, they are un-sexy, non-titillating discussions) about the sub’s limits and what that sub is willing to try. The contract is not legally enforceable, no. What it is is a PROMISE, from Dom to sub, to respect the limits the sub sets (note that…NOT the Dom, the sub) and never to go beyond them. Safe words are there so that the sub can easily and quickly let the Dom know that things need to slow down because s/he is not comfortable physically or emotionally, or wants out all together. No respectable Dom would tie a sub up and beat her/him without there being a signed contract in place. The fact that they are doing this even though Ana has not signed means neither of them has seriously committed to this relationship, in which case they should NEVER be doing these things they are doing. These types of relationships rely on TRUST, and a girl who ever fears the guy she is banging should get the hell AWAY from him ASAP.
    What Ana and Grey have is not a relationship, it’s emotional, verbal, and physical domestic abuse.

    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      You’re absolutely right! These books as as good a depiction of bdsm as a book about learning french written by somebody who didn’t speak french


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