Half the battle of writing these posts has been making sure the writing of these posts occurs at a time when no kids are out and about on my floor, not just ’cause I’m a professional when it comes to supervision, but because I don’t want them asking me what this book is about.
Which leads me to my next question: how would one describe Fifty Shades to a curious and unsuspecting child? The best I can come up with is, “Oh, it’s sort of a love story about this rich business man and a college graduate. They’re falling in love but it’s complicated. But stupid. Complicatedly stupid. You shouldn’t read books like this…or date. Both just cause so much misery and heartache. You know what doesn’t cause misery and pain? Chocolate. Unless it makes you fat. So. Don’t read this book, I caution you away from love and how it just fucks you over, and also eat chocolate in moderation.”
This chapter beings with Cliche Queen at her finest, “Follow your heart, darling, and please, please–try not to overthink things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young. sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.”
Not a one sentence was wasted. For a normal person, those kind of bland platitudes would be difficult to spit out so quickly and efficiently, but not for her majesty. They call her Cliche Queen for a reason. Yes, I know that by “they” I really mean “me”.
Man, the queen just keeps on going, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” It’s like she stays up all night preparing these gems.
Also, I’m not sure why the chapter begins with this conversation. They’re talking like Ana and Christian broke up, but last we left them, things seemed alright aside from his mysterious crises. Man, I’m puzzled.
So Ana says goodbye to her mom and Bob, and on the plane she has a realization that is so stupid it’s too stupid for this book. A book in which the protagonist describes orange juice as divine because it’s thirst quenching.
It’s very simple: I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me. This is why I’m so reticent about our relationship–because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize in me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.
So let me get this straight…before embarking on a relationship with a man who initially would only sleep with Ana if she signed a contract and who has since proven to be a stalking, creepy, control-freak, Ana first needs him to fall in love with her? Then she’ll date him? No, like, giving that shit some time to blossom or whatever? No? Okay then.
Ana dwells on Christian’s crack-whore mother man-pain for awhile, then decides to e-mail him, because now that James has introduced the concept of e-mail into this book, she won’t fucking let it go. Ana can tell from his short responses that Christian is stressed about whatever is going on with him. Her speculation on what this situation could be is hilarious.
Maybe Taylor’s gone AWOL. Maybe he’s dropped a few million on the stock market…
Losing Taylor and losing millions are apparently in the same league of terrible.
Taylor picks Ana up at the airport. I’m so relieved he’s okay! Those few paragraphs where I wasn’t sure were the hardest I’ve had to read yet, and I read a scene where Christian pulled Ana’s tampon out of her vag. And a scene where Ana put Christian’s toothbrush in her mouth and got a lady-boner from it.
Oral sex happens, it’s about as bland a sex scene as you can get in this book. Ana thinks some stupid, but ultimately not very noteworthy thoughts. A shower is had. What’s noteworthy here is that sex happens off screen. My life is so stressful and frustrating right now that this brings me an uncomfortable amount of relief.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for later that night in Christian’s playroom. He reminds Ana of the safe words, and explains that she’s not going to be able to see or hear what’s going on. I can’t even begin to describe how terrified it makes me to imagine myself in that position. It would be so overwhelming and uncomfortable for me, kind of like reading this book. I think what I hate most, though, isn’t the not hearing, but that he’ll be blasting music from his iPod into her ears. Blech.
But what he starts playing for her when they’re about to get down and dirty is the strangest selection I could have imagined. “…holy cow, a celestial choir–singing a capella in my head, an ancient, ancient hymnal.” Sexy?
I may or may not have skimmed this scene out of boredom, but basically what happens is Christian starts stroking her with a fur glove or something and then starts smacking her and then he fucks her and she orgasms a bunch. Bored.
Then Christian explains he always wanted to fuck to that choir music. Weird! What a complicated guy.
The chapter ends with Ana discovering she didn’t tell Christian she loved him in her sleep. Apparently, she just talked about “cages and strawberries…that you wanted more…and that you missed me.” Her relief tips him off that there’s something she’s hiding!
What ever will happen next in the final chapter of this roller coaster?!?!?!