Where is Ana’s Subconscious? Is She Okay?: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 1

Guys, all too quickly it’s Monday again, and I am starting the second book in what is somehow a trilogy. Seriously, I’m actually curious as to how enough “plot” is developed for there to be two more full books, and most likely more books from Christian’s perspective or something. What’s really great is an awesome friend of Matt and myself got us copies of the book ’cause she’s cool like that. What’s even greater is that the book starts with “praise for Fifty Shades Darker“. The irony! The praise is written by someone named Andrea whose credential is apparently, “Books, Baking, and Other Object of Beauty.” Sounds reliable to me! Let’s see what she has to say:

Christian Grey is so addictive, it is no wonder Ana Steele can’t stay away from him for long. The man is sex on a finely tailored stick, and reading about him should come with a warning about the likelihood of becoming excessively hot and bothered. And desperately in need of ice cream.

The praise for Fifty Shades Darker was clearly penned by Ana herself disguised as Andrea as it gives Christian such undue praise and it’s really stupidly phrased. Christian has never left me feeling hot and bothered, only uncomfortable and annoyed. I’m pretty sure at one point he ruined ice cream for me too.

James’s writing is fast-paced and descriptive, and she infuses her characters with a lot of humor. As with the first book, some of my favorite exchanges were the e-mails Ana and Fifty fired back and forth, which epitomized the flirty, fun side of their relationship.

The e-mails were some of her favorite exchanges? The writing is fast-paced? Did I read the wrong Fifty Shades? 

Uh oh. The About the Author section says, ” E L James is currently working on the sequel to Fifty Shades Darker and a new romantic thriller with a supernatural twist.” You guys, Matt and I may have years worth of work ahead of us on this blog thanks to James!

Prologue 

Shit, ya’ll, there’s a prologue in this book! And it’s mysterious! It’s about a “he” (that is probably Christian) who sees his mother get beaten by a man, and then the man comes after him.

A chilling wail wakes him. Christ! He’s drenched in sweat and his heart is pounding. What the fuck? He sits bolt upright in bed and puts his head in hands. Fuck. They’re back. The noise was me. He takes a deep steadying breath, trying to rid his mind and nostrils of the smell of cheap bourbon and stale Camel cigarettes.

I have a feeling that was a taste of what a book from Christian’s perspective would be like. It wasn’t horrible, I guess. His man-pain is intense.

1

Oh, hey, Ana. Glad to see you’re still angsting over Christian as usual. She’s thinking about him her whole way back from work, and when she gets home, there’s a delivery from him wishing her well with her new job. It seems like things aren’t over between these two crazy kids, but I’m not sure.

Ana explains that her daily routine is wake, work, cry, sleep. Omigosh, that’s my schedule too. Soul twins! Ana’s so miserable that she can’t even listen to music. ” And the music . . . so much music—I cannot bear to hear any music. I am careful to avoid it at all costs. Even the jingles in commercials make me shudder.”

To be fair, the jingles in commercials often make everyone shudder, so that doesn’t really seem like a true breakup symptom. You know what jingle I enjoy? The one for Daisy sour cream. I used to think it was saying, “a dollar of daisy” instead of a “dollop of daisy”, and I was just so perplexed for the longest time. I wish Daisy would pay me money for that product placement. I may hate a lot of things, but I don’t hate sour cream or money, that’s for damn sure.

“I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak. Yes, that’s me.” I keep forgetting Ana’s never had a relationship before or had feelings for anyone, so I guess it makes sense she’d be saying shit like this, but man it’s hilarious. Ana needs to go see a real ravaged, warn-torn land and feel like a real dick, that’s what this book needs. Ana keeps telling us how she hasn’t eaten in five days and looks gaunt and haunted. Five days is not enough for this much damage to be done, this coming for someone who has had trouble eating for the past month.

Christian e-mails Ana at work, asking if she still wants to go to Jose’s gallery opening together, and she agrees because otherwise how else would the “plot” move forward? Oh, by creating another “love” option for Ana that she expresses no real interest in–her boss, Jack!

He asks her out for drinks, and she’s like, “Drinks with the boss, is that a good idea?” In this case, since you feel so uneasy? Probably not. But has Ana ever trusted her gut? Nah.

Anywho, Christian and Ana go to the gallery opening together, and as soon as she gets in the car he begins harassing her about food. Instead of finding this incredibly annoying and presumptuous considering they’re no longer together, and she no longer has to even entertain the idea of committing to the useless, non-legally binding contract, Ana is amused.

And for the first time in a long time, I want to laugh. I try hard to stifle the giggle that threatens to bubble up. Christian’s face softens as I struggle to keep a straight face, and I see a trace of a smile kiss his beautifully sculptured lips.”

Five days. Five days. But I guess when you’ve turned into a ravaged war-zone, time just moves differently. Also, in case I forgot to recap this from the last book, Christian is a perfect specimen of a man. Just a reminder.

“You look like you’ve lost at least five pounds, possibly more since then. Please eat, Anastasia,” he scolds. I stare down at the knotted fingers in my lap. Why does he always make me feel like an errant child?

What the even fuck? IT’S BEEN FIVE DAYS!!!! Not months!! More importantly, how do you have sexual feelings for someone that makes you feel like a child? Okay, I once saw an episode of CSI where this guy got his rocks off by dressing up as a baby (yup, in a diaper) and going to his own playroom (which was literally a playroom, not like Christian’s playroom, with like a playpen and toys and a crib), and having this woman treat him like a baby. But still! I don’t get it.

They both admit to missing each other, and then Christian announces they’re taking his fucking helicopter to the event. God, I’m so sick of Charlie Tango! He’s a lamer character than Ana’s subconscious and inner goddess. Hold up. Where has Ana’s subconscious been? Is she okay? She and the inner goddess haven’t been mentioned yet.

Oh man, as soon as Christian and Ana enter an elevator together, “My inner goddess stirs from her five-day sulk.” I’d just like to reiterate that it’s only been five days.

He grins his boyish grin. Wow—I’ve not seen it for so long.

Five days. They begin flying Charlie Tango, and this happens:

“We’ve chased the dawn, Anastasia, now the dusk,” his voice comes through on the headphones. I turn to gape at him in surprise. What does this mean? How is it that he can say the most romantic things?

How on earth is this romantic? If I said, “We’ve watched The Dark Knight, now we’re going to watch The Dark Knight Rises .” it would be on the same level of romance.

So they talk about missing each other more, and Ana thinks, “I want to shout, I’ve missed you—all of you—not just your mouth!” She misses his penis too. And its considerable length. It’s okay, Ana, you can admit it.

When they get to the opening, Christian pulls one of his classic moves where he says something serious, but then won’t let Ana  talk about it until later. He’s like, “I want you back, but wait till later to talk about it!” I would flip the fuck out. I cannot stand when people do this!

“Hey, I think grilled cheeses are not the greatest food ever.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Hey, Ariel, we can’t fucking talk about this in public, can you just wait?”

No I can’t fucking wait, random asshole who said something provocative and inflammatory and awful, you shouldn’t have brought it up at such a bad time.

Ana walks around the gallery and finds that Jose has seven portraits of her featured, and Ana’s essentially like, “Jeez/holy crap.” Christian is jealous, so he buys the portraits. Jeez. Holy crap.

He rolls his eyes. “I bought them all, Anastasia. I don’t want some stranger ogling you in the privacy of their home.”

Okay, first of all, it’s still annoying that Christian is allowed to roll his eyes, but when Ana does it she gets spanked. Second of all, creepy! I bet Christian is just going to sit around in his room of Ana’s portraits in the privacy of his own home and ogle her. And she’ll love it.

Then they argue about leaving or not, and of course Christian wins because Ana is pathetic. She claims to be angry that he’s controlling her, and yet she is letting it happen ’cause he was her ride. And so of course the next step is to start making out with him when they get outside.

“Desire explodes like the Fourth of July throughout my body…” It would probably have been worth it to mention fireworks, because I’m pretty sure the Fourth of July itself does not explode. Just sayin’.

After they make out, Christian tells her that she’s still his, and he doesn’t understand the effect she has on him. Well, that makes two of us (or three if you count Matt, which I do, because we share a brain.) Then he again brings up how they have to go eat something because she is practically near death after five days of barely eating. I’d again like to reiterate the fact that this makes no fucking sense.

Dang, I really hope Hush, Hush is easy to make fun of but pisses me off less. I guess that’s a weird and somewhat incompatible wish, but a girl can dream.  

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6 comments

  1. Jillian Reply

    My boyfriend and I broke up for a week during freshman year of college, and we managed to pack about three months’ worth of crying, changing of Facebook statuses, and overwrought emails into seven days. Break-up time goes super slow when you’ve got the emotional maturity of an eighteen-year-old. And Ana is NOT emotionally mature enough to join the military–just look at what she thinks war-torn countries are like!

    Is … is this how relating to Ana feels? Oh God, make it stop. MAKE IT STOP.

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  2. Judy Reply

    I have seen literally 1 episode of CSI, and it happened to be the “Baby Man” episode!

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    • Indie Reply

      I have seen literally 1 episode of Sexcetera and it was about about the whole being a baby fetish. Frankly I’m suspicious of the whole CSI explanation and think you guys should just admit to watching Sexcetera.

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  3. Chuck Reply

    Your line about “The Dark Knight Rises” made me giggle like a little girl for ten solid minutes.

    I read the first book mainly so I could talk about it (and make fun of it) with my friends but I just can’t go any further. Besides, the title of the last book kind of gives away the ending, don’t you think? And who gives a shit anyway. I look forward to the rest of your blog posts, though.

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  4. milli Reply

    you know from this book onwards, the real problem of the book rises! how come these crazy loons maintain there svelte figure if they keep drinking wine/whiskey so much every day??especially anastasia, when every excitement of any kind just suppresses her appetite which miraculously never emerges back?i shit you not , they are on their way to become alcoholic. for a lady who never got drunk before she keeps doing that from these chapters onwards

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  5. Nunyabizz Reply

    Five days IS actually a long time to go without eating a single crumb of food when you’re already skinny like Ana is. It’s heavyset people who can go for weeks on end without eating, and even they will experience fatigue and weight loss.

    I’m overweight and I once went three days without eating when I had the stomach flu, and my doctor said I NEEDED to eat regardless of whether I felt hungry or not or if I could even keep it down.

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