Mexican Food is Ruined: Hush Hush Chapters 4 & 5

I had a really weird biology partner back in the day. This book is really bringing back a lot of memories of how John used to read his big book about weapons, obsess over ninjas (in a very serious way), and how I found out that one time in middle school he got caught by a hall aid trading pokemon with another kid in the bathroom. Like they were sitting in separate stalls and had the chord running underneath the stalls connecting them. I bet the hall aid was convinced it was some sort of weird sex act at first. I think John later had some sort of hit list and got kicked out of school. Creepy times at Ridgemont High.

Chapter 4

Nora is still, understandably, freaked out by what happened at the end of chapter three, what with a guy landing on her car and then trying to tear the door off of it. So she asks Vee if she can come sleep at her house after not-so-accurately depicting the situation. Basically Vee thinks it was a deer and not a guy in a ski mask that fucked up the car. Wacky!

When Vee comes outside to assess the car’s damage, nothing is wrong save for a scratch on the hood. Then Nora realizes the more she tries to remember the crash, the harder it gets, and she’s freaked out.

Somehow, at seven fifteen in the morning, Vee is already on the prowl when the girls go to grab some breakfast. Man, she never gives it a rest; it’s a lil embarrassing. Vee quickly notices a guy she dubs “Mr. Green Sweater”, and describes his friend in a way no one would ever say aloud, “Did you miss the deep-set eyes? The widow’s peak? The tall, lanky build?”

Mr. Green Sweater approaches the girls, and they soon discover his name is Elliot. Hey, there’s an Elliot in Fifty Shades too. I wonder if we’ll give as many fucks about this Elliot as the other one! Which is none.

Elliot introduces his very tall friend (with the deep-set eyes) as Jules. He is six ten. That is almost two whole feet taller than me. Sounds like my type actually. I am five foot but for some reason rarely get involved with guys under six feet tall. Slowly but surely you readers are getting an idea of who I am, not only as a blogger, but as a woman. Isn’t that some deep shit right there? Brought a tear to my fucking eye.

Vee’s attempts to flirt with Jules make me incredibly uncomfortable. After telling her they go to a private school in Portland, Vee says, “Are you rich? I bet you are.” Ew. She ain’t nothing but a gold digger.

But, oh em gee, Elliot JUST transferred from that school in Portland to none other than Nora and Vee’s high school!

Nothing much else happens this chapter. In bio, Nora tries to convince Patch to tell Coach to switch their seats, and he’s like, “No, I think you are a fine piece of ass.” Then Vee comes along and reveals that Patch’s last name is Cipriano, and they’re going to use this information to do some sleuthing and see if he has any prescription drugs registered in the nurse’s office…and look at his student files. Somehow Vee and Nora have become the creepiest characters in this novel, not Patch. I can’t even believe it.

Chapter 5

Nora goes to great lengths to find out if Patch was lying about never having gone to school. Her reasoning? “As his bio partner, regular contact with him could place me in danger,” and, “As Patch’s biology partner, I had a right to know these things.” Yeaaaaah. That’s some seriously terrible rationale for this invasion of privacy. But I guess the law doesn’t really hold much weight when you’re someone’s biology partner.

Also, another theme in these books is that principle characters seem to think they are entitled to their love interest’s personal business for completely idiotic reasons. Oh, I’ve been inside you, so I have a right to ask every five minutes if you remembered your pill or when your period is. Oh, I sit next to you in bio, so it’s totally cool I break into your records. Fuck off, characters in these books!

So after all this hubaloo about the files, we get this: “I fumbled the file open and immediately flinched. It didn’t make any sense.” She puts the file back in the drawer, then the principal shows up and yells at her, and she gives us no other information about what she saw.

As far as building suspense goes, this is pretty awful. Flinching doesn’t exactly engender feelings of anticipation in me. It sounds more like Nora got a paper-cut and less like she found out something groundbreaking about Patch.

Nora goes to meet Vee at their rendezvous, which is a Mexican restaurant.

The Borderline. I hadn’t eaten here before, yet something about the name sounded vaguely familiar.

Borderline is a really good Madonna song. Fucking love me some Madonna! I have this epic plan to write like a Mamma Mia! style musical based off of music. All. Madonna. Music.

I was going to include a picture of Madonna here, but she is so creepy looking now I couldn’t look through google images for more than a hot second. Sorry, Madonna. I know as this blog’s biggest fan you would have been real honored to have a place here.

So, surprise surprise, Patch works as a busboy at Borderline. Also, Nora is an idiot (in case you hadn’t already figured that out):

While waiting for her, I fond myself concentrating on the busboy some tables away…There was something strangely familiar about the way he moved, about the way his shirt fell over the arch of his well-defined back…his eyes fixing on mine at the exact same moment I figured out what was so familiar about this particular busboy.

Patch.

I love how his name is so dramatically placed in a separate paragraph like this is some fucking big deal reveal. And jesus Christ, when I write the drinking game for this book, you bet your bottom dollar every time Nora mentions how sexy Patch’s back is you fucking take a swig.

Patch asks Nora to go to a party with him Sunday night, and she uses the totally lame excuse that she can’t go out on school nights, even though her dad is dead and her mom hasn’t even made an appearance in the book yet! Come on, Nora, this is young adult fiction, you have to go to a wild, dangerous party!

Nora then reveals she looked at his student record and it was empty. Completely empty. Gasp. Also, if she was so worried about how dangerous he was, why would she reveal the fact she went snooping? She possesses such a stunning lack of foresight.

“Your file was empty. Nothing. Not even an immunization record.”

[…]”And you’re telling me this because you’re afraid I might cause an outbreak? Measles or mumps?”

I’m so glad Patch called her out on how dumb that line was. How is it that I’m somehow liking Patch better than Nora at this point? I mean, I really hate every character in this book, but still.

Then Nora threatens to expose Patch. And he makes a penis joke about it basically. This isn’t funny. I had a gross old dude expose himself to me in Ireland a couple months ago. That shit is fucked up. And not sexy! I don’t care if you have a Christian Grey level penis, “exposing” yourself is inherently unsexy! Penises are just not meant to be exposed, flashed, whatever. Boobs? Fine. Penises? No.

Patch is like, “You aren’t what I expected.” And Nora’s all, “Well you suck too.” And I’m like, “Everyone in this book sucks! We all lose! No one is a winner here.”

Also, Nora hasn’t even thought about the car accident in awhile. Weird.

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