Anyone Can Buy Guns in America!: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Ana confirms with one of the salon workers that it is, in fact, The Evil Cougar talking to Christian. Apparently a technician is out sick, so she’s filling in? Am I the only one that finds this odd?

Moving on, Ana is understandably annoyed because Christian doesn’t introduce them. I get that he didn’t think Ana would want to meet her, but I’ve been in Ana’s shoes. Not in this precise situation, but situations where nothing will make me feel less pissed off in the moment, and you’re just uncomfortable and angry and just get really cold because of it. I’d say seeing the ex-lover of your boyfriend who also happened to be sleeping with him when he was fifteen and she was significantly older is one of those moments of awful where I give Ana a free pass to be upset. Girl, I feel you.

They leave the salon because why the hell would Ana want to get her hair cut there at this point? I couldn’t put it better than Ana does, “I want to get my hair cut, preferably somewhere where you haven’t fucked either the staff or the clientele.” Hellz yeah!

Christian takes a confusing and mysterious phone call. Someone died in a car crash, someone is currently watching Ana and Christian, and a lot of other stuff I can’t make heads or tails of. But then Christian gets off the phone and immediately explains that Leila left her husband a few months ago, ran off with a guy, and then that guy just died in a car accident. So basically Leila is grieving, and this is how she’s handling it…okay!

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate Christian anymore, he starts freaking out about how they have to get to his apartment RIGHT AWAY!!!

I guess the correct answer was that he’s scared about Leila? But he probably wants sex too.

So Ana is like, “Hell no, I’m going to get a hair-cut.” And Christian throws her over his shoulders, in public, and Ana starts screaming at him, and they cause a huge scene on the street. Idiots! Do people really find this book romantic?

But then Ana realizes that something clearly happened for Christian to be insisting they hide at his place. Apparently Leila obtained a concealed weapons permit. America! Where you can obtain permits for guns days after trying to commit suicide!

On the car ride from Ana’s apartment to Christian’s, they start discussing Christian’s predilection for brunettes. I’m left recalling how Ana was so amazed that everyone working for him was blonde in the first book. Maybe Christian is worried his ability to resist fucking hot brunettes, so he only hires blondes? These books are so exciting– so intricately designed with so many layers and mysteries to discover and solve.

We then find out a bit more about The Evil Cougar. After Christian dropped out of Harvard (fun fact), she gave him a hundred grand to start his business. He explains he invested in her beauty salons and stuff because she helped him get his start.

They get to Christian’s, and during a conversation with Taylor, we find out he has a seven year old daughter. Fun fact: my mother told me the other day that every time she reads Taylor’s name in this blog, she can’t remember who the hell he is.

While Christian’s making phone calls, Ana goes upstairs to look at the clothes he bought for her. For some reason he’s left the price tags on. For someone who is supposed to be such a classy guy, Christian sure is tacky. After a brief phone call to her mother during which nothing interesting happens, Christian finds Ana in the closet (what a better novel this would be if it turned out Ana was a closeted lesbian), and they start to have the same discussion they always have about compatibility during which Christian utters these words, “You are one frustrating female.” This is not the first time Christian has said something along these lines. While these kinds of statements always sound stupid, I have to say, “You are one confusing woman, Anastasia Steele,” sounds a lot better than, “frustrating female.” I mean, really?

Then Franco, the hairdresser, shows up. “Franco is small, dark, and gay. I love him.” I know I should make fun of this line, and it is really fucking stupid. But god damn it, I love gay men. I know it’s offensive to say both that you hate or love people as a group whether it be a religious thing, a sexuality thing, a race thing, whatever. But I can’t fucking help it. Everywhere I go, I just end up with these wonderful friends who happen to be male and happen to be gay. So god damn it, the little play on “tall, dark, and handsome” and the “I love him” just touch my heart. Maybe we’ll never hear from Kate again, and instead Franco will be Ana’s new best friend who is less poorly written?

“Such beautiful hair!” he gushes with an outrageous, probably fake Italian accent. I bet he’s from Baltimore or somewhere, but his enthusiasm is infectious.

[…]

“See! I tell you he like it,” Franco enthuses.

“You look lovely, Ana,” Christian says appreciatively.

“My work ‘ere is done,” Franco exclaims.

Christian rises and strolls toward us. “Thank you, Franco.”

Franco turns, grasps me in an overwhelming bear hug, and kisses both my cheeks. “Never let anyone else be cutting your hair, bellissima Anastasia!”

…Or we get that. What a crushing disappointment.

Christian and Ana go back to discussing why she’s upset with him, and I gotta say, I’m still on her side. She also mentions that Evil Cougar touched Christian while they were talking and he didn’t flip out. Turns out, because Ana and Christian have no rules, he’s always nervous about where she’s going to touch him, and Evil Cougar knows the places he doesn’t mind (like his arm or something), and that Ana’s touch means more? Whatever, don’t care.

Hey guys, remember that time in the last book when Christian first showed up where Ana works? Well, it is revealed that Christian already knew Ana worked there. Wait, was that supposed to be a reveal? I feel like we all fucking knew that already. He explains he does background checks on all his submissives, so that’s how he knew. Cool story, bro.

Then Christian tells us he earns roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour, and that money means nothing to him, so she needs to shut the fuck up about the money he put in her account. If I earned that kind of money in an hour, I would just spend all my time writing about shitty books, but I’d do it by a pool with mimosas instead of on my bed with coffee. I wouldn’t spend my time arguing with an idiot like Ana, I can tell you that much.

I’d also adopt a lot of dogs that need good homes. Why the fuck hasn’t Christian adopted any dogs? Man, that would make him a lot more likable.

Finally, Ana says she’s going to cook some food, and she wonders who normally cooks for Christian if Mrs. Jones is off on the weekends. Apparently it’s his submissives that do the cooking. But Ana is not to be dominated!

I need music if I’m going to cook, and I’m going to cook unsubmissively!

I’m sure Christian wasn’t spanking or whipping these girls while they cooked…was he? How else would one cook submissively?

Also Ana is inwardly freaking out because Christian said, “It’s one of the things I love about you.” Um…I don’t mean to burst Ana’s bubble, but saying there are things you love about a person is different than saying you love the person. Like if I say I love a guy’s eyes, I’m not saying I love him. Haha I just tried to use logic when talking about this book. It’s like I never learn.

Things begin to get hot and heavy, but Taylor interrupts! This is  the greatest!!!

How can my mother forget who Taylor is? What a gem!

Christian reveals that he’s hired additional security for the party happening that night with his parents. He seems fine one second during their conversation about his family and then moody the next. Ana’s left wondering if maybe this is a symptom of schizophrenia. So she decides to google it. I thought she was joking but two paragraphs later this happens:

“What are you doing?” he inquires softly.

I panic briefly, wondering if I should let him see the website I’m on: Multiple Personality Disorder: The Symptoms.

Stretching out beside me, he eyes the webpage with amusement.

“On this site for a reason?” he asks nonchalantly.

I wish she had been like, “Oh, I’m worried that my subconscious and inner goddess are really signs of my own schizophrenia.” That would have been a fun, self-aware moment for this book to possess.

Christian jokes around about it for a bit, then hands Ana some lipstick. He wants her to use it to figure out where she can and can’t touch him, and make a map. I’m not not interested in this.

Weirdly enough as I’ve been reading this chapter, I’m noticing that the banter between them is actually improving, and James is good at bringing back old jokes between them. Like, I actually found this funny:

“Are you rolling your eyes at me?”

“Yep.”

“That’s very rude, Mr. Grey. I know some people who get positively violent at eye-rolling.”

“Do you now?” His tone is ironic.

When I find myself not hating parts of this book, I start to wonder if I have some sort of illness of the brain. Like stupidity.

So she makes her little map with the lip-stick, and the chapter ends on a cliffhanger. “’Now, about that rain check,’ he breathes and his mouth claims mine once more.”

Are they going to have sex? Or is someone going to interrupt again? Find out next time!

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