Ana Doesn’t Suck so Hard: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 7

Last night I got a text from a friend saying “It’s everywhere. Even college boys’ bathrooms” accompanied by a picture of Fifty Shades on top of a stack of miscellaneous reading materials including A Calvin and Hobbes Collection. You just never know if you’re going to be in the mood for Christian and Ana or Calvin and Hobbes when you’re about to take a dump.

Chapter 7

So we left off with Ana bidding on a weekend trip to Aspen (which Christian provided for the auction.) Ana pulls a Jamie Foxx and blames it on the alcohol.

Crap, he’s going to be so angry, and we’ve been getting on so well.

Ana seems to be taking a lot of liberties here when it comes to “getting on so well.” If I remember correctly, and I do in fact remember correctly, Ana was just furious with Christian about  Evil Cougar and Leila and the money Christian gave Ana and how he carried her like a child in public when she didn’t do what he wanted.

Then he admits he doesn’t know whether to…worship her or spank her. And then Ana says she wants to be spanked! But that was a big part of why they broke up. Not spanking itself completely, but I’m still surprised it’s not too soon to do this.

Then Ana starts giving Christian a hand job under their table, but then is interrupted again by his sister Mia. Mia is really bringing her A game to this book what with her cock blocking and all! Apparently it is time for Ana to be part of the auction, and she and others are auctioning off their first dances. Of course Christian assures Ana he’s going to bid on her. God forbid another man put his grubby paws on Christian’s lady.

The auction is super creepy. The MC opens with this line, “Now, gentlemen, pray gather round, and take a good look at what could be yours for the first dance. Twelve comely and compliant wenches.” Um, ew?

“Going once . . . going twice . . . sold!” the MC declares loudly, “to the gentleman in the mask!” And of course all the men are wearing masks so there are hoots of laughter, applause, and cheering.

Thanks for spelling out jokes for us, Ana!

While other girls are being bid on, Mia starts to tell Ana how Christian used to be a Troubled Teen and got into many brawls. He even came home with black eyes! But then this interrupts Ana’s musings on the subject of Christian’s troubled teen years.

“And now, allow me to introduce the beautiful Ana.”

Oh shit, that’s me.

Hahahaha! I forgot how much I missed Ana’s stupid reactions to things. Really, Ana? You don’t say now.

So Christian starts bidding on Ana, but then so does some other mysterious man! I wonder if it’s someone we know. Ana tells us it seems Christian knows the guy, cause he kind of smiles at him. Eventually Christian bids one hundred thousand dollars. Don’t worry, he earns that in an hour. He told me.

While these crazy kids are waiting for the rest of the auction to finish up, Christian takes Ana up to his old bedroom (to fuck? We’ll have to see.) He tells Ana he’s never brought a girl there before, and she “swallows convulsively.” That’s not a real thing. I don’t think James and Ana really understand what a convulsion is.

Things kind of get interesting when Christian asks why Ana wants him to spank her. She doesn’t explain this to him, but she starts thinking about how much stress she’s had recently and how she just wants this. I think the idea of her wanting to give up control, to have a distraction from all the stress, is probably one of the more interesting psychological factors at play in this book. Wahoo.

The answer is clear.

As Ana gets dressed she looks around Christian’s old room some more.

There are ticket stubs to various concerts: U2, Metallica, The Verve, Sheryl Crow, the New York Philharmonic performing Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet—what an eclectic mix!

I love when Fifty Shades genuinely says something like “What an eclectic mix!” when I say shit like that to mock this book. What a delight!

I feel like this will come up again, so I may as well mention it now. Ana sees a picture of a woman that looks familiar, but she can’t place her. Christian won’t say who it is, so it’s probably like the crack whore mom or something.

During the dance, the man who bid on Ana comes up to introduce himself, and it turns out to be Dr. Flynn, Christian’s therapist. I bet you all just could not contain your excitement for that reveal. Ana, of course, reacts in the most completely idiot way possible to their introduction.

What do I say to him? Why is Christian so fucked-up?

No. No, that is not what you say. You know, confidentiality and all that jazz. They chat a bit, but it’s nothing too interesting. But then Ana goes to the bathroom and is approached by Evil Cougar!!!!

For once Ana’s reaction is actually super appropriate, “Holy cow–what the fuck does this woman want?”

Cougar starts telling Ana how she knows Ana hates her, but she also knows that Christian is in love with Ana. And Ana’s like fucking annoyed that this woman is telling her that and not Christian. True life! Lady, fuck the fuck off.

Ana is actually great in this scene. Cougar threatens Ana all like, “If you hurt him again, I’ll get you and your little dog too.” And Ana is like LOL FUCK OFF!

“I’m laughing at your audacity, Mrs. Lincoln. Christian and I have nothing to do with you. And if I do leave him and you come looking for me, I’ll be waiting—don’t doubt it. And maybe I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen-year-old child you molested and probably fucked-up even more than he already was.”

THAT WAS AWESOME!! SMACKED DOWN, BITCH!!!

I turn on my heel, adrenaline and anger coursing through my body, and stalk toward the entrance of the tent where Taylor is standing just as Christian arrives, looking flustered and worried.

“There you are,” he mutters, then frowns when he sees Elena.

I stride past him, saying nothing, giving him the opportunity to choose —her or me. He makes the right choice.

OH SNAP!!!!

Anyway, Christian calms Ana down, and later Christian’s dad asks Ana for a dance and starts telling her how great she is for Christian. The same shit everyone keeps telling her. He reveals that Christian was in a terrible state when they brought him into their home and that he didn’t speak for two years. But playing the piano and the arrival of Mia helped him. Cute.

Christian tells his family he and Ana have to leave because they have a big day tomorrow. This big day is that Dr. Greene, the gynecologist he brought in for Ana in book one, is coming back. This whole exchange is very alarming:

“Why?”

“Because I hate condoms,” he says quietly. His eyes glint in the soft light from the paper lanterns, gauging my reaction.

“It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me.

“It’s mine, too,” he whispers.

I gaze up at him as various guests pass by, ignoring us. He looks so earnest. Yes, my body is his . . . he knows it better than I do.

Remember that time I was loving the shit out of Ana? Forget it. I can feel my vagina becoming less empowered just reading this shizzy.

So then, because this chapter won’t fucking end, Ana gets a note from Evil Cougar saying she wants to meet up to chat. And there’s even a real phone number in the note, weird! I wonder how many prank calls this person got. Hilariously enough, Cougar signs the card with, “Mrs. Robinson,” which means Christian fucking told her Ana calls her that. What a dick!

Back at Ana’s apartment, they find her tires have been slashed, and they’re worried Leila might be in the apartment. For some reason Christian takes it upon himself to go look, and Ana is scared for him. I’m actually curious to see what happens, but yay, it’s over for now! Until next week, folks! DUN DUN DUN!