One of the problems Ariel and I foresaw with doing four chapters per week of Hush, Hush (So we can finish before October so we can do our secret plans! READER BEWARE YOU’RE- oh, right, Ariel already told everybody. We’re doing Goosebumps.) was that we might have too much stuff to write about. Twice as much stuff! But then I read chapters sixteen through nineteen, and discovered the exact opposite problem: it’s too boring. Don’t think you’re off the hook, Fitzpatrick; boring isn’t much of a step up from really bad.
But like I said, these four chapters are really, really boring. Weirder, things actually happen in these chapters. That progress the plot! Also, apparently there’s a plot in this book. And it’s somehow incredibly boring! And I’d hate to leave you guys for the weekend with a bunch of really boring chapters, so we’re going to play a game!
You and your best friend Vee (sorry, this is the best you can do) get out of school, but neither of you have cars right now! You decide to go to the library to research more about the hanging/murder that Elliott may or may not have been involved in back at Portland, but Vee doesn’t go to libraries! It’s okay, you don’t need her. After half an hour of searching for old news stories with no luck, what do you do?
IF YOU CALL YOUR MOM
Your mom tells you that taking a bus into the city at night to interview people who will absolutely not be where you’re going to interview them on a school night is a stupid idea, and tells you to walk home alone at night through a forest instead.
IF YOU DON’T DO ANY OF THAT
Unfortunately, you still have to walk home. Sucks to suck.
Either way, what happens next is:
You run into Marcie Millar! This girl is mean! She calls your friend Vee fat! Like… for two whole pages. So you call her names!
IF YOU CALL MARCIE AN ANOREXIC PIG
“Wow,” said Marcie, staggering back melodramatically with a hand pressed to her heart. “Am I supposed to act offended?”
Damn! She got the best of you there!
IF YOU CALL HER SOMETHING ELSE
You’re still really immature for calling people names. Don’t think you took the high ground here, kiddo.
Either way, what happens next is:
The crossing guard tells you to cross the street already. He’s good at his job! You decide not to follow Marcie, even though she’s walking in the same direction you are, because you don’t want to interact with her.
IF YOU GO DOWN THE DARK SCARY TUNNEL
You run into Patch! Way to go, dumbass! He stands in front of you and his eyes look like they don’t play by the rules (actually what’s written in the book, here), and you run around a car to get away from him. He stands opposite you, and you demand he answer your questions, because it is time for serious answers to serious questions! You ask him how he knew you’d be at the library, where he was when Vee was attacked, and if he saved you on the Archangel roller coaster when you had an impromptu acid trip. He doesn’t really answer any of these questions. Completely satisfied, you accept a ride from him on his motorcycle and he tells you he’s going to pick you up for a date you didn’t agree to go on on Saturday. SWOON. GO TO CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.
IF YOU DON’T
Then the rest of the book probably doesn’t happen because you’re not putting yourself in enough stupid situations. You graduate high school and become a dolphin trainer or something.
Patch just asked you out on a date!
IF YOU DON’T
You take up synchronized diving with the time you’re not spending with Patch and get really good and go to the Olympics in 2016 because synchronized diving was so cool at the Olympics this year!
IF YOU GET ALL EXCITED FOR THE DATE
The police show up at your house! This decision is already going really badly! They ask you what happened with Marcie Millar at the library on Wednesday. You ask if she’s okay. They assume this means you had something to do with her getting beaten up! You say you were going home then, and they ask if anyone can vouch for you. You tell them your biology partner offered you a ride home.
Detective Basso walked over and took up a post on the opposite side, across from me. “Let’s hear about this biology partner.”
They’re probably going to ask you if you’re banging Patch, because literally every single person in this novel wants to know if you’re banging Patch.
“if you want me to get more specific, I can. When I was in high school, I only offered rides to girls I was interested in.”
“Did you have your boyfriend beat up Marcie Millar?”
Patch shows up in a new car that he won playing pool! He takes you to Bo’s Arcade on your date, teaches you how to play pool, and gets into a strangely homoerotic fight with a guy named Rixon.
Suddenly Rixon lunged playfully at Patch, and the two dropped to the floor […] There was the sound of husky laughter, fists laying into flesh, and fabric tearing, and Patch’s bare back came into view.
On his back you see two thick gashes in an upside-down V formation, running from his shoulder blades to his kidneys. OH SNAP.
You drive back from your date (or something) and Patch runs out of the car to pick up your takeout. It occurs to you that you’re alone in Patch’s Jeep which is probably the safest place for him to hide something secretive. Never mind that he literally just got the Jeep this week. You open the glove box and find a flashlight with something on it that looks like blood!
IF YOU DON’T REALIZE THAT PAINT IS NOT BLOOD
Patch has to explain to you that it’s paint and he plays paintball. You feel dumb.
IF YOU DO REALIZE THAT PAINT IS NOT BLOOD
Good job! You’re not stupid! I mean, you’re still on a date with Patch, but at least you know what paint looks like.
Patch drives you home and your mom is mad at you for going on a date! She interviews Patch and it’s really awkward!
“Mind if I ask your GPA?” Mom said. “Is that too rude?”
On the phone with Vee the next day, you talk about your date! It’s really boring! You’re still freaked out about Patch’s gashes on his back, so you decide he’s a fallen angel! …For some reason. So you go to Google, which is legitimately integral to advancing the plot of this book. The first link tells you all about Fallen Angels! You learn that.
- Fallen angels are TOTALLY REAL
- Fallen angels can communicate thoughts and images directly into human minds
- Fallen angels can possess a human body during the Hebrew month of Cheshvan
- Fallen angels can produce progeny with humans to produce superhuman offspring call Nephilim, which are evil and unnatural and ALSO TOTALLY REAL
IF YOU BELIEVE THIS INFORMATION YOU FOUND ON THE INTERNET SO IT MUST BE TRUE
You consider the possibility that Patch is a FALLEN ANGEL!
Comparing this information with Patch’s scars, was it possible… could Patch be a fallen angel? Did he want to possess my body?
IF YOU DON’T
You invent a time machine, go back in time, and get eaten by a dinosaur.