Ana Exhibits Irrational Behavior: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter Thirteen

Once again, this is one of those posts that I kind of put off/forgot to write and so it was written after my roommates and I had a few beers.

We say “few” because none of us are going to med school.

Let’s read some shitty erotica!

Chapter Thirteen

The last chapter closes with Ana entering Christian Grey’s apartment and finding Leila, his mentally unstable and possibly homicidal ex-submissive, already there with a gun. If you read yesterday’s post (I mean why wouldn’t you have hmmmmm?), Ariel’s already called out E L James for not coming up with a better way to convey the certainly volatile emotional response to finding such an unexpected and delicate situation that could result in someone’s death with “Holy fuck.”

This has outsold Harry Potter in the UK.

But let’s look into how else Ana responds to the whole “my boyfriend’s homicidal ex has a gun and is here and HAS A GUN DID I MENTION THE GUN” situation:

  • Where’s Ethan? Holy shit! Where is Ethan? – Instead of finding Kate’s brother in the apartment, there’s a person with a gun. This is a legitimate response. Savor it, everybody; we don’t get very many of these.
  • She tilts her head to one side, regarding me as if I’m an exhibit in a freak show. Jeez, I’m not the freak here. – Kind of low-hanging fruit, Ana?
  • I attempt to speak. Hi. Leila, isn’t it?” – Jesus, Ana, offer the woman with the gun some tea and crumpets while you’re at it.
  • “Would you like some tea?” – Wait, SERIOUSLY?!
  • Why am I asking her if she wants tea? – I don’t know! What are you doing, Ana?!
  • “Leila, do you want to give me the gun?” I ask softly. – Okay, admittedly, I don’t think I could do a whole lot better in this situation, but this seems like an objectively bad idea all the same.

During the exchange, Leila displays the emotional capabilities of a child. As in she literally talks and acts like a child, which is really unsettling when Christian comes in and uses his BDSM superpowers to solve the problem.

This is Dominant Christian, and how at ease he looks […] I watch as Leila responds, her lips parting, her breathing picking up as the first flush of color stains her cheeks. […] Finally, he mouths a word at her. I can’t make out what it is, but the effect on Leila is immediate. She drops to the floor on her knees, her head bowed, and the gun falls and skitters uselessly across the wooden floor […] I glance down at Leila and notice a very small smile cross her lips, but otherwise she remains truly impassive

Perhaps more unsettling (or idiotic), during the whole scene, Ana is convinced Christian’s going to leave her for Leila.

What will she do? What will he do? But they just continue to stare at each other. Christian’s expression is raw, full of some unnamed emotion. It could be pity, fear, affection . . . or is it love? No, please, not love!

No, seriously. It’s pretty irritating.

Christian and Leila, Leila and Christian . . . together? What is he doing with her now?

It could happen.

Anyway, Ethan shows up outside all “What the fuck is going on?”, because he’s a character in this book and he hasn’t filled his fuck quota yet, and Ana’s all “CHRISTIAN AND LEILA ARE TOTALLY BONING RIGHT NOW” (not actual dialogue), and Ethan’s all “Let’s go get drunk!”

Eventually Ana goes back to Christian’s apartment (for some reason that we’re not told, so hopefully you didn’t want to know that), and he’s all “Where have you been? Did you go to a bar and get drunk while my homicidal ex got taken away to a mental institution? That… that doesn’t even make sense.” (not actual dialogue) and Ana’s all “YOU FUCKED LEILA JUST NOW DIDN’T YOU” (also not actual dialogue). Then Ana’s all “I’m no good for you” (this is actual dialogue) and Christian’s all “You’re running?” (this is also actual dialogue) and then they say that they love each other and then he gets on his knees and then the chapter ends WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN?



    • matthewjulius Post authorReply

      Kate’s brother. Sorry for the confusion; I explained that in an earlier draft of this post and apparently took it out for some reason.

      • Mylene Reply

        Sorry Matt. I re-read the post and you did mention it. I guess I wasn’t paying attention. The only thing I know about the male characters in this book is they all want to fuck Ana.

  1. Irish Skye Reply

    Technically, offering the psycho tea and talking to her gently seems like the best possible thing to do. Isn’t this something that hostage negotiators do? Try to bond with the person holding the gun so they start looking at you like a person and not a target? So, kudos to Ana for staying outwardly calm and trying to talk her down. (If she had made a run for it, though, she’d have been killed and this book be over, so…I guess there is a downside to her talking the psycho down).

    But any credit I gave her I have to take back because she immediately starts feeling like Grey may still be in love with the psycho ex.

    Further credit must be removed for the fact that she LEAVES HIM THERE to go get drinks with the BFF’s brother instead of calling the freaking cops or Sawyer or Taylor or whoever to get this shit dealt with.

    Btw, why doesn’t Ana just invite Leila to come back and live with them and be Grey’s slave again (she was, after all, his slave if she was calling him “Master” instead of just “Sir”) and she can do the BDSM stuff with him to help him get all hot and bothered, and then he can go into the bedroom and fuck Ana and keep to the vanilla sex with her? Wouldn’t this solve ALL her freaking problems? [rolls eyes]


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