Even one of my favorite shows Happy Endings featured a dummy this week. It was funny, though, so I forgive them.
Oh man, Kris gets reamed out by her parents for that fiasco at the concert. You know, how the dummy sprayed the audience with green goo and all.
Kris can’t sleep that night, and we all know what happens at night in this book: creepy shit.
Someone is moving around the room. Can you guess who?
OH SNAP, IT’S MR. WOOD!
I thought this was going to get scarier, but Mr. Wood is not bringing his A game.
“But–you’re a dummy!” she squealed.
He giggled again. “So are you,” he replied. His voice was a deep growl, like the angry snarl of a large dog.
A large dog sounds delightful, not frightening.
Cue dramatic stair fight! At one point the dummy even punches Kris in the stomach. Shits gettin’ real!
Lindy comes to investigate, and at first she thinks Kris is crazy, but then she sees Mr. Wood moving too. Lindy goes to get their parents, but of course we already know that the parents are going to remain clueless. I actually read a recent interview with R.L. Stein because it’s like the 1000 year anniversary of Goosebumps and he was like, “Lol, the parents are always dumb.”
Kris’ dad basically tells her she needs to be institutionalized. The parents are sick and tired of all this nonsense in their house, and punishments will be decided on tomorrow. At least I rest easy at night knowing my mom would believe me if I told her a creepy doll came to life.
As soon as the parents leave, Mr. Wood starts talking again. He goes on about how they’re going to be his slaves and the ancient words brought him back to life. Back to life? Does he come from some sort of ancient world where dummies once walked among us?
Kris decides that reading the same words again will kill the dummy. I guess it was worth a try even though it is totally ineffectual.
The girls decide to physically kill the dummy by pulling his head off. How was I ever scared of this, this book is hilarious! However, it’s not all fun and games. The book takes an even more violent turn when the girls fail to pull the dummy’s head off. Lindy asks Kris what to do, to which Kris replies, “Take him upstairs. We’ll cut his head off.” Kris’ descent into darkness is truly tragic to watch.
The dummy is loving this, though, he just starts shouting, “Violence!” I kind of like him. He’s essentially just letting them try to remove his head without even fighting back, it’s great.
Just kidding, he tells them if they don’t do what he says, he’s going to hurt they’re family, friends, but most upsetting, their dog. DO WHATEVER HE SAYS, CHILDREN!!!! Do it for Barky.
The girls stuff him in a suitcase, and he tells them someone is going to die. It better not be Cody or Barky, is all I’m saying.
Things again get creepier, but not because of the dummy. This is how the chapter opens:
“We’ll bury him,” Kris said.
If I were to flip to this page of the book by accident, I would not guess this story is about a dummy. I’d think it was about psychopathic twins who just killed someone.
Mr. Wood keeps warning the girls that he has powers. Somehow I think their plan is not going to work out.
Kris really has lost her mind. After they bury Mr. Wood, Lindy just wants to go back to sleep, but Kris is in the greatest mood ever. She says, “I’m just so pumped. It’s all like some kind of hideously gross nightmare.” Maybe pumped didn’t mean what it does now in the 90s….?
The next morning at breakfast, Mr. Wood is sitting at the table. He’s covered it dirt! So rude.
Parents leave, and dummy starts bitching about how his slaves are bad.
OH MY GOD THE DUMMY STARTS CHOKING THE DOG FUCK THIS SHIT!
Oh my god the dog is howling in pain. I am crying. I HATE THIS BOOK!
They’re able to pry the dummy’s hands off the dog, but that was traumatizing. The girls grab the dummy and bring him outside. It’s unclear what they’re trying to accomplish since this has already failed once.
This chapter ends with the dog about to get run over by a bulldozer? What the even fuck?
But then the dog is fine. Thank god. Instead, the girls throw the dummy under the bulldozer. Yay!
Green gas goes up in the air and it smells like rotten eggs. Even Barky is grossed out, and dogs eat their own poop, so you know this has to be bad.
The driver freaks out and thinks he ran over a child, but then he’s like, “Oh, just a dummy? Sweet.” I guess that would pretty much be my reaction too. Except a lot more gleeful. What a service to the world! Who knew the real hero of this story would be some dude with a bulldozer?
The girls go back inside to live happily ever after in a world where actually nothing is resolved. Will Kris get suspended? Will their parents stop being idiots?
Oh, also, Slappy is alive. He’s really happy Mr. Wood is out of the way.
Least the dog is okay.