Want to Know the Best Name for Condoms? Read on: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 17

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Chapter 17

The chapter begins with some sexyness.

“I can’t wait until Saturday,” he says, his eyes glowing with salacious delight.

“Your party?” I pant.

“No. I can stop using these fuckers.”

“Aptly named.” I giggle.

I actually want to start calling condoms fuckers from now on. That is the best thing that has ever happened in this series. Well played, book, even my roommates think that’s clever and funny “even for Fifty Shades

Ana is giggling, but now is not the time for fun and games! Tell her, Christian:

“Now is not the time for giggling.” He shakes his head in admonishment and his voice is low, stern, but his expression—holy cow—is glacial and volcanic at once.

Christian Grey. Master of nature.

Then we skip the sex scene and go right to breakfast. Christian talks about how he wants to take Ana shopping and how Jack is going to be replaced at work. I’m not exactly sure what I want to happen in this book–I complain when there’s sex, I complain when there’s boring conversations, I complain when there are dramatic scenes, I just cannot be satisfied!

Ana drives her new car to work, and Christian acts like an over-protective father, telling her music will distract her and to concentrate on the road. This leads Ana to a bizarre thought that, in the scheme of weird and disturbing things in this book, probably is pretty tame in comparison to other shit that’s come up.

Oh, for heaven’s sake—and suddenly I’m catapulted back in time to when Ray was teaching me to drive. I don’t need another father. A husband maybe, a kinky husband. Hmm.

I’ll leave you guys to unpack that one.

In the car Christian starts pestering Ana about why she hasn’t accepted his extremely fast proposal. She says she wants to see what Dr. Flynn has to say when they meet with him that evening. She explains she’s concerned Christian might meet someone who suits his sexual needs better and has an emotional connection with him, and he reminds her again that she is the only one he’s ever felt this way for and that she’s good enough.

For some reason Ana is asked to temporarily replace Jack at work even though all she does is e-mail Christian. True to form, after finding out about her promotion, Ana gets back to her real job–e-mailing Christian. She asks if he got her the promotion, but even Christian is flummoxed by the fact Ana’s only worked for a week and is filling in for the boss. Yup, you read that right, even Christian acknowledges how little sense this makes.

“Hmm. Are you sure you had nothing to do with this?”

He is silent for a moment, and then he says in a low menacing voice. “Do you doubt me? It angers me that you do.”

I swallow. Boy, he gets mad so easily. “I’m sorry,” I breathe, chastened.

Oh ma gerd you guys, Ana has a super important business meeting at lunch, but she was supposed to meet Mia! Luckily, Ethan shows up, and for some reason Ana thinks sending him in her place is the appropriate course of action. Is there a love story ahead?

Yup. It’s love at first sight. Just like everyone in this horrible series.

After work, Ana gives Christian a present he can’t open until Saturday. Rude! Then they go to see Dr. Fylnn, and this chapter just won’t end!

Flynn gives some really sensible shit, which Ana reacts to in the most idiot way possible.

“…My understanding is that Christian has conducted all of his BDSM relationships in this manner. You’re the first lover who hasn’t consented, so he’s not willing to do it.”

Lover!

Basically Flynn tells us shit we already know, but he’s also like, needs change. He also says Christian is emotionally a teenager. Guess we’re not going to talk about the fact he’s also incredibly creepy?

Jose calls and he and Ana make plans for tomorrow. Then Christian and Ana get into ANOTHER fight about her driving, and they’re like, “OMG we’re both so frustrating, we’re totally meant to be together!”

Then Ana reiterates literally everything Flynn told her. The chapter ends with Christian now driving the car…and wanting to give Ana a surprise. Gosh that was long and boring!

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  1. judy Reply

    What happened to Ana’s inner goddess?? We really need her perspective on this marriage proposal idiocy. Also, this book is dead boring, how can there be another one???

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    • Meowskers Reply

      My prediction for the third book is it’s going to be all about them raising a baby (with something super dramatic happening in the background, to which the characters will constantly over and under react to). The sad thing is I would prefer seeing how they raise a child over this boring attempt at dramatic storytelling. I can see every interaction between Ana and the baby ending with the remark, “baby!” The story itself will be a guide on how not to raise a child.

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