I can’t believe this is the final chapter, you guys! And the e-book is coming out soon, like really really soon. Get excited!
Previously, in Fifty Shades of Nothing is Happening:
“Our love is perfect, let’s get married, Ana.”
“But Christian, we haven’t known each other that long, and we have so many issues, and can’t seem to go five minutes without having a stupid fight.”
“I know, but we’ll have a lifetime together to work out these issues that have presented themselves so early on in our relationship and are clearly red flags.”
“You’ve convinced me, of course I’ll marry you, my fifty! You are so full of sad man-pain, but the fact that you let me draw lipstick lines on your chest and then touch you there proves that we should be together forever!”
“Hi, I’m Kate, you might remember me from the first book, or you might not. I sometimes show up to do nothing or to cause drama. What the hell is this e-mail I’ve somehow found out of nowhere? I demand answers!!!!”
So Kate was for some reason snooping through the pocket of a jacket hanging on Ana’s door, and she found an e-mail about that sex contract from the first book, which lasted about five minutes. Actually, they never even really used the contract. It felt like there were like twenty chapters about negotiating this fucking contract, but then it never actually was utilized. Kate demands answers! Ana insists that is old news and everything is fine, even though it’s really none of Kate’s business.
Christian thinks this is a good defense: “Ana has consented to be my wife.” How hideously unromantic! You’re not on trial for rape, Christian, you’re talking about Ana accepting your marriage proposal. Also, that doesn’t seem like a good defense to this out-of-context e-mail. I mean, even in context, this whole thing is awful, but at least with context it’s actually defensible.
Also, the fact that everyone Ana has told so far has expressed skepticism is pretty telling.
Some of the warning signs of an abusive relationship for your viewing pleasure.
-Feeling afraid of your partner a lot of the time (check)
-Avoiding certain topics so you don’t anger your partner (check)
-Feeling like you can’t do anything right for your partner (check)
-The relationship moves very quickly, with the abuser pushing it forward (check)
-Extreme jealousy (check)
-Controlling behavior (check)
But don’t worry he loves her, so it’s totally healthy!
Anyway, once Christian determines that Kate hasn’t told anyone else about this, he burns the paper.
The announcement of their engagement derails Kate, and she gives us a glimpse into the timeline of these books:
“Oh!” Kate gapes at me. She’s stunned. “I leave you alone for sixteen days, and this happens? It’s very sudden. So yesterday, when I said—” She gazes at me, lost. “Where does that e-mail fit into all this?”
Ug, it doesn’t anymore, Kate. That was so sixteen days ago. Get with the program. Aren’t you keeping up with the crazy ex-girlfriends, the plane crashes, and the marriage proposals? All of which happened in less than a month apparently? God, what a shitty friend. You could have at least skyped Ana (as long as Christian permitted it. I guess maybe Taylor would have had to monitor the call or something.)
Ana is like, “Don’t worry I’m sooooo happy!”
And Kate is like, “Okay! Yay!”
So I was correct, that drama was resolved in like 2 1/2 pages.
Christian’s mom enters and gushes about how happy she is that Christian’s alive and happy (it is revealed she already knows about the engagement. Yawn.)
There’s nothing less interesting than reading about characters you don’t really care that much about gushing about things you don’t care about when you could be watching The Vampire Diaries.
They return to the party, and errrybody is there. Including Evil Cougar who hasn’t appeared in the book in awhile, so I guess we were overdue for some classic Ana bitching about Elena. Hey…you know what has a character named Elena in it that I would rather be viewing right now.Yup, you guessed it, The Vampire Diaries!
I’m going to imagine these characters as though they were characters from The Vampire Diaries. Okay, this is kind of making it better. Meh. I’m lying to you guys and myself. The bitchiness Elena and Ana display towards each other is dull as is Christian’s refusal to really engage with Elena’s attempts at giving him grief for not returning her messages.
Christian announces their engagement, but of course marrying the supposed love of your life wouldn’t be enough if other women weren’t bitter and jealous!
Lily, who is standing beside Mia, looks crestfallen; Gretchen looks like she’s eaten something nasty and bitter. As I glance anxiously around at the assembled crowd, I catch sight of Elena. Her mouth is open. She’s stunned —horrified even, and I can’t help a small but intense feeling of satisfaction to see her dumbstruck. What the hell is she doing here, anyway?
Christian starts to get annoyed because people start asking absurd questions like, “Where’s the ring?” and “When’s the wedding?” The nerve!
Is the whole next book going to be about fucking wedding plans? I will jump off a cliff if it is. I’m not bluffing! Okay, I’m not bluffing in a figurative sense. But seriously, I have this horrible feelings that’s what it’s going to be about, and I’m not sure my brain can handle it.
Ana and Christian chat with Dr. Flynn and his wife. Then Christian and Dr. Flynn talk quietly about Leila while the women discuss child-rearing and cooking or whatever. Ana tries to eavesdrop while she is having a conversation with Flynn’s wife rude. Even the glimpses of conversation we catch, though, aren’t interesting at all. They’re basically like, “She’s doing better.” Wow, sounds like a real twist.
Even MORE boring conversations occur between Ana and the pilot who was with Christian when the plane went down. She’s a woman, but don’t worry, the plane didn’t go down ’cause she and Christian were having sex or something. She’s a lesbian!
I can tell that Ros is one smart woman who can easily keep up with him. She also has a great, throaty, too-many-cigarettes laugh.
I wish Ana would tell us more random facts about this character who is just being introduced in the last chapter and I couldn’t give two shits about. What’s Ros’ favorite color? Favorite flavor ice-cream? Does she shop at Victoria’s Secret? How old was she when she lost her virginity? When did she come out of the closet?
Dinner is served! Mia, Christian’s sister) pulls Ana aside before she can eat, though (hate when that happens), and starts whining about how Ethan won’t date her because Kate (his sister) is dating Eliot (Mia and Christian’s brother), so he thinks this is incestuous. Wow, a problem that isn’t a problem? Sounds like it definitely belongs in this book!
Mia leaves to go annoy Kate, and Elena waltzes in to stir up some drama. She’s all, “I’m not going to congratulate you,” and Ana’s like, “No fucks were given.”
Elena starts bitching about how Ana could never understand what Christian needs or their lifestyle, then she calls Ana a gold digger. Weren’t you reading this book, Elena?! Ana doesn’t care about money!!!
So Ana throws a drink in her face, and I gotta say, I’m super pleased.
Christian comes in, yells at Elena, and then Christian’s friggen mother comes in and this happens:
“Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get out of my house—now!” she hisses through gritted teeth.
This is kind of like the time Mrs. Weasley said, “Not my daughter, you bitch!” Only less cool, because it’s Fifty Shades and not Harry Potter.
This whole thing is kind of weird, though. For awhile Elena actually seemed like a semi-decent person. She kept trying to be nice to Ana, but Ana was all, “You’re a child molester.” This seems really inconsistent with the person we were presented with before, but I guess James had to end this book somehow, and all the other drama led to…nothing.
Grace (Christian’s mom) asks for a moment alone with her son, so Ana leaves and stands outside the door, listening.
Apparently, this is the first Grace is hearing about her son and Elena, so she’s asking a lot of questions we already know the answers to. So Ana leaves to go to the bathroom and angst.
Ana goes to look at a picture of Christian’s birth mother and is relieved to see they only have the same color hair, but otherwise don’t look alike. Then she has this really depressing thought about her impending marriage:
My subconscious tuts at me, arms crossed, glaring over her half-moon glasses. Why are you torturing yourself? You’ve said yes. You’ve made your bed.
Right. Because you could never go back and change your mind after that. And “you’ve made your bed” sounds pretty awful to me.
Christian returns and tells Ana he’s ending his business and personal relationship with Elena. Also they have one of their old fights about Ana needing to eat. Aw, just like old times! And by old times I mean like two weeks ago in this book.
Christian then proposes for real to Ana and gives her a big diamond ring, yay!
Then the book really ends on a bizarre note. It completely switches POV to the third person of some random guy (who in the end is obviously Jack Hyde, even though it never actually says his name). This “mysterious” dude hates Christian (and now Ana) and is going to try to ruin their lives or something? I guess this is the plot of the next book? I wonder if it’ll be resolved in five pages or six. We’ll find out soon!