Bared To You Actually Becomes Fifty Shades of Grey: Bared To You Chapter Eight

Hopefully everybody enjoyed the extra length Fifty Shades Darker finale post I wrote on Christmas Day, because that’s not happening again any time soon.

Chapter Eight

We last left our heroes having had sex before a big fancy dinner, during which they were distant and mad at each other all the way through for basically no reason. The next day at work, Gideon invites Eva into his office for lunch and she’s all “I don’t want to see you anymore” and Gideon’s all “oh no!” and Eva’s all “yeah”.

Today's post is apparently brought to you by an apathetic two year old.
Today’s post is apparently brought to you by an apathetic two year old.

Eva argues that casual sex was a terrible idea because they were so distant to each other afterwards so they shouldn’t see each other anymore. Gideon’s counterargument is that they should date. They agree that this totally solves the problem, and the reader scratches his or her head, thoroughly confused.

“Eva.” He approached. “I’ve never experienced anything like that. I didn’t think it was possible for me to. Now that I have . . . I’ve got to have it. I’ve got to have you.”

Except they never really say “date” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” in their define the relationship talk. They do say “relationship”, to their credit, but they cover a lot of creepy, possessive ground first.

“Bullshit. I’ve admitted I fucked up. I can’t change what happened, but I can sure as shit get pissed that you want to cut me off because of it. You laid out your rules and I adjusted to accommodate them, but you won’t make even a tiny adjustment for me. You have to meet me halfway.” His face was hard with frustration. “At least give me a damn inch.”

It is at roughly this point in the novel where I realize I’m not sure whether to admire the variety of Gideon’s profanity or want to start shaking a swear jar under his nose.

Or this jar. Either one really. Man, I wish I could actually use this on the male characters in the books I read for this blog. I'd make a fortune.
Or this jar. Either one really. Man, I wish I could actually use this on the male characters in the books I read for this blog. I’d make a fortune.

They decide that even though they’re both high maintenance and they’re terrible for each other and their relationship is based on nothing but sex (okay, they didn’t realize that last one; it wouldn’t be erotica otherwise), they’re going to try having a real romantic relationship anyway. Then they decide to eat some hamburgers!

“So, how do we do this?”
“Well, you pick it up with your hands and put it in your mouth.”
He shot me a wry look that made me smile. It felt good to smile. It felt good to be with him. It usually did . . . for a little while. I took a bite of my burger, moaning when I got a full hit of its flavor. It was a traditional cheeseburger, but the taste was divine.

Wait. What was that last part again?

the taste was divine.

That sounds familiar… where have I heard this before?

The orange juice tastes divine.

Oh, god, Ana describes food in weird ways all the time in Fifty Shades of Grey. Like… with the same word. “Divine”. How much more shamelessly can Bared To You rip off Fifty Shades of Grey? Okay, well, we haven’t had any of the BDSM sex that Fifty Shades is famous for yet. But that’s fine, Fifty Shades barely had any either.

Want to know where this all gets a little weirder, though? Ariel actually made fun of Ana’s food-describing abilities before with basically the same sentence that we see here in Bared To You.

It hearkens back to the time orange juice was divine because it was thirst quenching. Having something complete the function it was meant to do does not make it divine. I would never say, “This burger is divine, it satisfies my hunger.”

What a weird coincidence! It’s like the book knew that we made fun of the other book it was ripping off!

Although the real women's problem is that this is actually perceived as a women's problem.
Although the real women’s problem is that this is actually perceived as a women’s problem.

They talk about exclusivity and Gideon makes a joke about how he expects Eva won’t get involved with any other men DUR HUR HUR he made a joke like it was okay for the guy to still sleep around DUR HURRRRRR

“But women are okay?” I asked, to lighten the mood.

Okay, I’m done standing up for you, Eva.

His brows rose. “I know your roommate is bisexual. Are you?”
“Would that bother you?”
“Sharing you would bother me. It’s not an option. Your body belongs to me, Eva.”
“And yours belongs to me? Exclusively?”
His gaze turned hot. “Yes, and I expect you to take frequent and excessive advantage of it.”

Honestly the most interesting part of this exchange by far is getting confirmation that Cary’s bisexual. Even though we were led to believe at the beginning of the novel that Cary was gay basically to help sell Eva and Cary’s platonic best friendship and not assume there would be sexual tension. Which is kind of cheap. I mean, come on, it’s not like we’re going to assume the best friend secretly wants to be more than friends just because it’s a romance novel, right?

I mean, not until recently we wouldn't have.
I mean, not until recently we wouldn’t have.

Then Bared To You decides to get a little more Fifty Shades in a weirdly specific way, just to fuck with me, apparently.

My sex clenched in delicious anticipation. I could easily picture becoming seriously addicted to Gideon Cross.

Urgh, Ana kept referring to her vagina as “my sex”, and it’s like, you know, it’s an erotic novel, you can just say “vagina”. We’re familiar with the concept. Calling it a “sex” doesn’t make it sound any naughtier, unless you mean “naughty” in the same way a ten year old who gets all giggly about the word “sex” would. Like “haha you said boobies” is the level of sensuality we’re dealing with here.

Yes, I am a little concerned how many pictures of children I'm putting in this blog post about an erotic novel.
Yes, I am a little concerned how many pictures of children I’m putting in this blog post about an erotic novel.

They agree to meet at the gym later. Yay! Couple thing! Then they brush their teeth together. Yay couple thing?

We brushed our teeth side by side at the double-sink vanity, our gazes meeting in our mirrored reflections. It was such a domestic, normal thing to do and yet we both seemed to delight in it.

They get all cute and couple-y. Nah, just kidding, they talk about all the sex they’re gonna have.

“You’re going to make me lose my mind coming everywhere I can in your tight, sexy body.”
“Are you complaining?”
“Angel, I’m salivating.”

Wait. What was that last part again?

“Angel,”

That sounds familiar… where have I heard this before?

Patch told Nora he wanted to give her the nickname “Angel.”

HOLY SHIT. WHY DOES BARED TO YOU KNOW THAT WE READ HUSH, HUSH FOR THIS BLOG TOO?

THIS IS ACTUALLY TERRIFYING.
THIS IS ACTUALLY TERRIFYING.

Well, that’s it for today’s blog post, because I’m pretty sure Bared To You is haunted.

But Is It Better Than Fifty Shades of Grey?

Bared To You is FOLLOWING ME.

The Winner This Round: Fifty Shades of Grey

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0 comments

  1. ghosthelwig Reply

    Yes, I am a little concerned how many pictures of children I’m putting in this blog post about an erotic novel.

    I don’t know why this amused me so much, but it totally did. 🙂 Also, the completely justified paranoia at the end made me laugh a ridiculous amount. I swear, this blog is the best. You both are awesome for wading through these terrible, terrible books and making it so entertaining. 😀

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  2. Chloe Reply

    “Gideon makes a joke about how he expects Ana”
    Best. This is EXACTLY how interchangeable these characters are. Even the experts can’t keep it straight. 😉

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  3. Ali Reply

    Although I have never described food as divine, I have moaned while eating (Vera’s Burgers in Vancouver BC=amazing) I have also said the word “foodgasm”,
    Saying “my sex” reminds me of the awful Harlequin Romance novels I used to read as a teenager.

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  4. Annie Reply

    Can you guys please, PLEASE do Beautiful Disaster next? I’m sure it would be awesome and extremely funny – even though it does not have so much going on in the “sexy department”.

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  5. Sodapop Reply

    I think the word “vagina” is weird. I mean, I can say it, but when you’re writing it out and trying to create a certain feel or something, the word is just awkward. It LOOKS awkward. For me, using anything else wouldn’t be an attempt at subtlety, but an attempt to avoid the awkwardness of the word “vagina”. The meaning of it all is still the same, I know what I’m talking about, everyone knows what I’d be talking about, but the SOUND of “vagina”… To me, it’s like using a very scientific word in a very normal description. I wouldn’t ever mind using “vagina” if it didn’t sound so out of place. Maybe that’s just the fact that I’ve never read an erotic novel? I don’t know. XD

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