The thrilling conclusion of the first chapter of Fifty Shades Freed left us desperately wondering what would happen as Ana and Christian began to have their first fight as a married couple. Ana decided to sunbathe topless, and when she fell asleep, she rolled over and exposed her boobs! Christian, never one to be gracious and say something like, “It’s okay, we all make mistakes,” is furious.
Christian declares that the paparazzi could be taking pictures and that the security crew is probably loving the view. I guess these are two valid points, and Ana did take off her top just to get back at Christian for not having sex with her in the water while other people were around. I say the winner of this fight should still be no one, though, on account of the fact this is a fucking stupid fight and Ana and Christian are both morons.
Don’t worry, guys, even though Ana is upset, she’s not too upset to stop giving us bizarre details that don’t really connect to one another or serve any purpose to the story.
Taking my hand, he signals up to Taylor and his two sidekicks, the French security officers Philippe and Gaston. Weirdly, they are identical twins. They have been patiently watching us and everyone else on the beach from the verandah. Why do I keep forgetting about them? How? Taylor is stonyfaced behind his dark glasses. Shit, he’s mad at me, too. I’m still not used to seeing him so casually dressed in shorts and a black polo shirt.
The whole order of this paragraph is completely messed up. Taylor being mad doesn’t connect to his attire in any way, and am I supposed to care about the random French security officers who happen to also be twins? Like so the fuck what?
I’m so fed up with this chapter, and I’m only about a page in. I’m so fed up with this book already, and I’m only a chapter and a page in.
They get on their jet ski, which, in all honesty, is probably generating more attention on the beach than Ana’s boobs since they’re actually at a topless beach. There’s a really long description about how awesome and fun it is to jet ski, and then Christian smiles at Ana or some shit, so all is good. Sheesh, it’s like I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. For that one page they were arguing, I was like clutching my heart, just wondering if this would be the end of their marriage! Could they overcome such intimidating obstacles? The answer, is a resounding yes!
Ana and Christian then have the same conversation we’ve read at least one hundred times per book. Does Christian want to punish Ana in a painful way? Nope, she’s his wife, not his sub, he loves her and doesn’t want to hurt her!
Okay, I could maybe see how this stuff might have been moving to some readers at one point in the first book, but reading the same thing repeatedly just devalues the sentiment so much. It’s like how when you have a fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend, your friends are perfectly happy to listen and be sympathetic when you first tell them about it, but when you keep having the same fight and whining about it, they’re bored to tears and starting to actually root for your demise. This is literally the same scenario except Christian and Ana aren’t my friends–they’re two fictional people who I fucking hate! It makes it a lot worse, actually.
But then Ana admits she does want to be sexily punished, and something suddenly makes a lot of sense to me. Ana acts like she gets all scared and worried when Christian is mad at her, but really she gets off on it. Really she wants him to “punish” her, but it’s hard for her to admit this fact. It’s actually pretty normal to “punish” people during sex and all that, and I just wish Ana would understand this about herself and save us all the misery of her whining about Christian being mad at her when really she just wants to be sexily punished or whatever. Ug, Ana.
Don’t worry, now that that situation is resolved, Ana has to find something else to mull over!
Yup she starts thinking about how she didn’t do anything to deserve being rich–just married a rich dude. Then she has a flashback to their prenup discussion. Everything about this scene–from the way Ana led into the flashback to the way Christian’s sister Mia accidentally brings up the subject–feels incredibly forced. Mia reads aloud this gossipy piece about Christian being engaged and how his fiance must be signing a massive prenup and everyone gets all quiet and super uncomfortable.
Ana says she doesn’t mind signing one, but Christian insists she won’t. Yet again, this scene is just another chance to reiterate just how much they love one another despite an obstacle that presents itself for ten seconds. Also, even stranger, Christian attributes his father’s weirdness about the prenup to the discussion they had last night about Elena/Evil Cougar. I have literally no idea how the prenup connects to Christian’s sexual involvement with Elena at a young age. I’m so confused. And also bored.
I continue to be confused and bored by this:
He smiles lewdly at me. In one fluid move, he stands and bends over me, resting his hands on the arms of my chair.
“I’m going to make an example of you. Come. Don’t pee,” he whispers in my ear.
I gasp. Don’t pee? How rude. My subconscious looks up from her book— The Complete works of Charles Dickens, Vol. 1—with alarm.
Why can’t she pee? Why is Ana’s reaction Stephanie from Full House’s catchphrase? Why is Ana’s subconscious reading? Why do we need to know what Ana’s subconscious is reading?
They go to the bedroom, and Christian pulls out a pair of handcuffs. Ana realizes they’ve never used them before. Interesting how a book that’s supposed to have BDSM in it fucking doesn’t at all. Also, stupidly, Ana hopes she never has to wear handcuffs for real. Wow, what an interesting and insightful moment into her character. Christian takes out another set of handcuffs–le gasp–then Ana starts wondering how many pairs Christian owns.
My breathing is too loud. Fuck, I am panting already. My inner goddess has her sequins on and is warming up to dance the rumba. Thank heavens I’m married to this man, otherwise this would be embarrassing.
James isn’t even trying to write cohesively anymore, is she? Ana wasn’t married to Christian before and didn’t seem to be too ashamed of being turned on by him. If everyone who was turned on by the person they were sleeping with, but weren’t married to, was ashamed, we’d be a planet full of red, shame-faced people.
Ana chooses Popsicle as her safeword. Sexy.
He handcuffs her hands to her ankles instead of hand-to-hand and ankle-to-ankle. Ana’s reaction is, as usual, an eloquent, “Holy fuck.”
This feels weird—being trussed up and helpless—on a boat.
It’s not what The Lonely Island would have wanted.
Christian teases Ana for five seconds and then “slams” into her, and James chooses to bring back one of her classics:
I detonate around him, again and again, round and round, screaming loudly as my orgasm rips me apart, scorching through me like a wildfire, consuming everything. I am wrung ragged, tears streaming down my face —my body left pulsing and shaking.
James sure knows how to make an orgasm sound absolutely dreadful, doesn’t she? Man this woman’s got talent.
After sex, Ana falls asleep for a bit, and when she wakes up to head to the bathroom, she sees her body in the mirror:
As I absentmindedly wash my hands at the vanity unit, recalling last night at the Casino, my robe falls open. I stare at myself in the mirror, shocked.
Holy fuck! What has he done to me?
WHAT A THRILLING CLIFFHANGER! Fuck it, I read ahead, he gave her hickeys on her tits. I bet you anything he’s going to be like, “Lol I did it so you’d never go topless on a beach again, bitch.”