Soon I have to start actual work writing my thesis on Fifty Shades of Grey. What started out seeming like an awesome, hilarious idea is now becoming real and terrifying. I’m going to actually have to use legitimate quotes from the series, re-read parts of the books, and write something intelligent about this series. What have I gotten myself into?
When we last left off, there’d been a fire at Christian’s business, and now he is concerned. Ana, though, is bored.
I have tried reading, watching TV, sunbathing—fully dressed sunbathing—but I can’t relax, and I can’t rid myself of this edgy feeling.
Well if fully dressed sunbathing isn’t enough to calm you down, I don’t know what will do the trick.
Ana decides she wants to take the Jet Ski to go shopping (yeah, I guess that’s a thing), but Taylor (head of security) doesn’t think Christian would like that, so Ana goes to talk to her man. This leads to Ana thinking of a series of things that don’t really add up. Really? Ana not making sense, you say? Gosh, this is new.
Why do I feel like I’ve entered the principal’s office? This man had me in handcuffs yesterday. I refuse to be intimidated by him, he’s my husband damn it. I square my shoulders and give him a broad smile.
How does she not see how weird and unnatural it is that they’re married and she feels like she has to be so deferential. This “display” of confidence, is really an expression of just how fearful Ana is of Christian. She’s constantly claiming that she challenges him (and he says the same thing), but really this relationship is just…disturbing.
Ana doesn’t actually mention the Jet Ski, just that she’s going shopping and bringing security. Christian is too preoccupied with whatever is going on back at the office to question Ana further. Then Ana learns to drive the Jet Ski. Cool story, book. Like I said before, this story is just a badly staged reality show in novel form. It’s just like, “Look! It’s real life! But it’s not. It’s more exciting!” But it’s not more exciting.
Christian sees Ana riding around on the Jet Ski, calls Taylor, and Taylor’s like, “Um, sorry, but Christian’s uncomfortable with this.” For some reason, this doesn’t throw Ana into a rage like most other times Christian gets controlling. Instead she’s like, “Oh, silly Christian!” She tells Taylor to ignore Christian, and if he really has a problem, he can tell it to Ana himself.
But then Ana tells us, “I really don’t appreciate being scolded by him[Taylor] — he’s not my father or my husband.”
By putting fathers and husbands into the same category, Ana is playing right into a paternalistic society. Husbands are supposed to treat you like your father would and scold you like a child? I thought marriage was supposed to be an equal thing these days, but I guess I’m just not romantic enough. I guess I just don’t understand the epic love between Ana and Christian.
Ana continues her usual pattern by immediately regretting her disobedience and fretting over Christian’s anger. She is frightened of his anger every fucking five minutes and yet she decided to marry him? I’m more disgusted than usual by this book. This book just goes through the same cycle over and over again!
1. Ana does something she know will piss Christian off because she wants to show him she’s her own person.
2. Five seconds later she starts regretting it because he’ll be so angry with her.
3. Ana gets mad at herself for causing problems. She angsts for five minutes.
4. They either have sex where Christian punishes her or have a heartfelt talk about their relationship that is the same every time. Or both.
5. Sometimes outside drama happens in the form of an ex, sexual harassment from a boss, an Evil Cougar, etc.
6. Five minutes of angst until all is resolved.
7. Heartfelt relationship talks happen.
8. They do other activities that feel like a staged reality show. Like go shopping or to a restaurant or boating. Until more drama occurs.
Rinse and repeat.
Christian isn’t too mad at Ana this time; he just tells her to be careful. To which Ana gets all inwardly excited, “Oh my! Permission to have fun!” I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic, but I feel like she’s genuinely excited he gave her persmission to have fun. God, this is pathetic.
While shopping, Ana buys Christian a new camera that’s good for portraits. She’s going to let him take sexy pics of her, winky wink. Ana has trouble gauging Christian’s reaction to her gift, though:
What is he thinking? Oh, this is not the reaction I was expecting, and my subconscious glares at me like I’m a domesticated farm animal. Christian never reacts the way I expect. He looks back up, his eyes filled with what, pain?
I know I always glare at my chickens when they present me with confusing gifts and tell me these gifts are intended for sexy usage.
Christian feels like this might be objectifying her, and he doesn’t want to do that. He admits he’s confused, and Ana freaks out for a bunch of paragraphs about how Christian is unraveling(huh? He’s acting the same?) because he hasn’t talked to Dr. Flynn in three weeks, and it must also have to do with the bruises he gave Ana (what does this have to do with the pictures, I am so lost.)
Ana starts taking pictures of Christian to snap him out of his mood, and they have a joking conversation about women’s oppression. Christian’s basically like, “Lol, I’ll oppress you so hard, baby.” No, book, you’re not allowed to pretend you’re not treating women like shit. Stop it.
So they have sex, and Ana repeats her vows to get Christian to tell her what’s wrong. Apparently he’s upset because they figured out the fire was arson, and he’s worried whoever was trying to hurt him will hurt Ana. So it had nothing to do with taking pictures or the bruises or anything that Ana was freaking out about?
Later that night, after more activities I won’t relay to you, Ana tells us she’s discovered Skype and that Kate is online! So you think they’re going to video chat, but she just uses it to message her about the fire.
Ana has a nightmare about losing Christian, but she wakes up, and he comforts her. Seriously, this book is just a bunch of disjointed things thrown into a chapter together. I can’t even.