Happy fucking Valentines. (Ex)Boyfriend broke up with me because distance is too hard. Maybe I’ll just go listen to some T.Swift again. Or write about Bared to You!
Friday morning, and Eva is having coffee with roommate Cary (who is apparently bisexual or something, it’s never made very clear what his deal is) and his sort-of-bf Trey. Eva envies how uncomplicated their relationship looks and remembers how she used to have those. But they were missing something. Abuse?
Eva’s doing well at work, but she misses Gideon, blah blah. Cary tells her the photographs taken of himself and Eva by the paparazzi has helped his modeling career. At least someone benefited from the drama? After dinner, this happens:
We ended up hanging out and watching the original Tron. His smartphone rang twenty minutes into the movie and I heard him speaking to his agency.
Is the very specific mention of a “smartphone” supposed to be some sort of hilarious contrast to watching the original Tron? Why specifically tell us it was a smartphone, no one fucking cares!
Anyway, Cary runs off to go to a modeling gig that he was just offered or something. Eva mopes around the apartment and tells us this:
I’d gotten farther with Gideon in one week than I had with other relationships that lasted two years. I would always love him for that. Maybe I’d always love him, period.
The way time is handled in both this and Fifty Shades will never cease to amaze me. It takes these people longer to do laundry than it does to fall in love.
Eva and Cary go shopping for the upcoming party thrown by Gideon’s brother. Hmmm, I smell a poll.
Eva calls her dad. Nothing important is said.
Cary asks Eva about the party, and she claims Gideon isn’t going to be there, but I think my poll still has validity. Something tells me.
Finally, Sunday comes! Eva describes her super sexy dress for three paragraphs, and Cary complains Trey didn’t call when he say he would. Yeaaah, if someone’s really on your mind, you don’t really forget to do that. And if you do forget because something came up, you could just shoot a text then or the next morning. Manners.
At the party, they meet Gideon’s mother, and I think she’s more fun if you read her as a super sarcastic Lucille Bluth.
No, Lucille, I love you. And I’d like to love one character in this book.
Anyway, Gideon’s mom asks Eva if she’s a natural blonde and then goes on about how handsome Cary is. She reminds me of Lucille mostly because of the, “Are you a natural blonde? How fascinating!.” There’s this scene from Arrested, I couldn’t find the GIF for, where Lucille’s like, “And a blonde! What fun!” I’m loopy and tired.
Gideon’s family is really similar to Christian Grey’s given that they all keep telling Eva how gorgeous she is and how it’s obvious she and Gideon are in love. Like, his sister says all this shit to her. And they’re all fixated on the fact that she’s a blonde.
Gideon shows up at the party–OMG WHAT NO ONE COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS!!!–and shit gets abusive real quick. He starts telling Eva he doesn’t want her there, and then when she tells him off, he keeps telling her to shut up. This happens:
“Shut your damned mouth.” He caught me by the elbows and shook me so hard my teeth snapped together. “Just shut up and let me talk.”
I slapped him hard enough to turn his head. “Don’t touch me.”
How in God’s name is this supposed to be romantic?
Gideon kisses her, and Eva bites his tongue really hard, but he keeps going. Ah, yes, here’s the romance! Keep forcibly kissing your possibly ex-girlfriend who’s been sexually abused in the past! But Eva can’t help herself. “My nipples betrayed me, hardening into tight points, and a slow, hot trickle of arousal gathered in my core.” Damn you, nipples!
He wrenched my hips hard to his, making me feel how hard he was, how aroused.
Told ya! Faster than you can say, “Plot device.”
They stop making out and have a heart to heart. Gideon thinks Eva is disgusted by what she saw (he was having a nightmare and masturbating or something like that), Eva just wanted him to open up to her, and then Gideon is like, “Stop running away and give me five minutes.”
Apparently he wanted Eva to come back to him because they’ll “never be over.” Ew.
Eva is like, “We just make each other miserable, let’s see a therapist!” Because if you make someone miserable constantly in the week you’ve dated, the answer is to go to therapy to make it work.
Gideon and Eva are somewhere inside of Gideon’s parents house, and thought Eva is uncomfortable, he starts going down on her. Of course, Magdalena is somehow also inside the house and sees this?
Oh, well, after Eva comes, Magdalena has left. More important things are happening, anyway!
Then he ripped open his button fly and pulled his big, beautiful penis out, and I didn’t care how he took me just so long as he did.
There is nothing like a big, beautiful penis to make you forget your arch nemesis just watched someone performing oral sex on you.
So they both orgasm, and Eva is like, “WE OWN EACH OTHER!”
A happy Valentine’s indeed!