Matt and I just want to thank everyone who wrote reviews for our first Fifty Shades e-book, y’all are the best! How’d we get so lucky here at BBGT?
Also I saved a fuck ton of Liz Lemon gifs to my computer, so you might be seeing a lot of those in my posts for awhile. You’re welcome! Or I’m sorry! It depends on your feelings about both 30 Rock and gifs I guess.
Oh, I guess we have to talk about Christian and Ana now.
Previously, in Fifty Shades of Boring
Ana: Don’t worry, Christian, I won’t go out for a drink with my BFF Kate who I never talk about anymore because all that matters is OUR LOVE!
Christian: Good, because Jack Hyde might hurt you if you go out for a drink with your friend. But also I’m controlling and another man might look at you while I’m not around to put my arm around you protectively. Or murder the dude.
Later Ana goes to get drinks with Kate.
Christian: I AM SO MAD I WANNA BEAT YOU!
Ana: But if I’d stayed home, actually Hyde would have attacked me in our home! Except really he wouldn’t have because security only let him in to apprehend him because no one was home!
Now for some reason even though they’re still fighting, it’s apparently time to have sex.
Ana is confused by Christian’s emotional state, so she decides to take the safe route when she speaks, and tells Christian, “I like your jeans.” Like oh em gee. They’re soooo stylish! And hang from his hips!
For some reason, Christian has printed out Ana’s angry e-mail from last chapter. It’s unclear if he’s using it to enhance their flirting or tell her off. He’s like, “You have issues, Mrs. Grey?” And I’m like, “Yeah, Ana has issues. She’s married to a controlling fucktard who just told her a day ago he wanted to beat the shit out of her.”
Anyway, Christian starts whining about how he came home from his trip ’cause Ana told him she wasn’t gonna go out with Kate but then she did. So Ana’s like, “Christian, I changed my mind…I’m a woman. We’re renowned for it. That’s what we do.” We women also cook, clean, spread our legs to our husbands only, make lots of sandwiches on demand, and get our periods at the same time. Boy, she really missed a chance to tell Christian how it is, didn’t she?
They keep talking, and Christian confesses that he was cold earlier because he was worried he’d hurt Ana. Physically.
So Ana comforts him and starts being like, “Oh my poor Fifty. I’m sorry.” Fuck you, Ana.
Ana tries to get more answers from Christian about why security was increased for Christian’s family, himself, and Ana. He just wants to go have sex, though, but does tell her they found information on Hyde’s computer with personal details about Christian and his family, especially Christian’s dad. I guess that explains why he didn’t have security protecting Ana’s family?
Ana still wants to talk, but Christian’s like, “We’ve talked enough woman! Now I’m going to blindfold you, feed you, then fuck you.”
So he feeds her and then this happens:
“Playroom,” he murmurs.
Oh—I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
“You up for the challenge?” he asks. And because he’s used the word challenge, I can’t say no.
After a moment, maybe two, I hear him pad quietly to the museum chest and open one of the drawers. The butt drawer? I have no idea.
I think everyone should have a butt drawer, just because I can’t stop laughing at that name. Ana starts to get kind of apprehensive because the music that’s playing (Bach) is too cool and detached. This is probably the worst foreshadowing ever. Oh, wait, all the foreshadowing about Ana’s pregnancy has been pretty terrible…It’s almost like James is a terrible writer who shouldn’t be teaching other people how to write…
So basically, Christian keeps almost having Ana come using a vibrating wand (their words), but won’t let her. Side note: I wonder if they have vibrating wands in the Harry Potter world.
Finally, Ana gets fed up and shouts the safe word, and Christian gets really upset. For once, I’m proud of Ana. Good job! Ana bursts into tears because of all the stuff that’s happened. Here, let her tell you, “So much has happened over the last few days—fires in computer rooms, car chases, careers planned out for me, slutty architects, armed lunatics in the apartment, arguments, his anger—and Christian has been away. I hate Christian going away…” My favorite is definitely “slutty architects” because that was literally such a big nothing and yet it is thrown into the same category as “armed lunatics” and “car chases.” The “careers planned out for me” one is a close second.
Ana tells Christian off and points out that this stuff only makes him feel shittier about himself after. She also tells him he needs to stop treating her like a submissive. I think it’s fine in the bedroom if she’s into it (and a lot of times, Ana seems into it), but he needs to start treating her with respect and like an equal in their freaking marriage.
So they start talking about all the fucking Jack Hyde stuff again, and Christian reveals that he cause Charlie Tango to crash. Which I thought everyone probably had figured out at this point? But Ana is shocked. Whatever. He also talks about how Hyde planned to kidnap Ana. I think these are meant to be big reveals, to Ana at least, but she just tells us she’s trying to absorb the information and then is like, “Holy fuck.” So, yeah.
The chapter ends with Christian revealing that Hyde and he are connected by Detroit…where Christian was born. So apparently this isn’t all about Ana being a hot piece of ass Hyde couldn’t get? There’s something more here to do with Christian’s past. I wonder if it’ll take three or four pages to resolve this conflict.