This Chapter Is Incredibly Boring: Bared To You Chapter Eighteen

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Chapter Eighteen

I’m going to be upfront here. This chapter is ridiculously boring. I’m not even totally sure what to make fun of here, it’s so boring. Look at the first sentence of this chapter.

Monday mornings could be awesome, when they began with Gideon Cross.

In other words, I am already asleep.

Except instead of a teacher yelling at you to wake up, the book throws an uncomfortable sex scene at you.
Except instead of a teacher yelling at you to wake up, the book throws an uncomfortable sex scene at you.

Speaking of uncomfortable sex scenes, nothing interesting can happen between Eva and Gideon anymore now that they’re in a happy relationship again (for now), so it’s time to fulfill the “every single character in a romance novel has to hook up” requirement! I’m just as excited as you. Just as a reminder, here are our “important” characters:

  • Eva
  • Gideon
  • Cary
  • Christopher (Gideon’s brother)
  • Gideon’s parents
  • Magdalene (that reporter who’s in love with Gideon)
  • Eva’s parents
  • Eva’s boss whose name I don’t remember
  • Eva’s boss’s boyfriend whose name I also don’t remember haha I’m so good at writing plot summaries haha

Now you cross out the ones who are already hooking up/involved with people! Have you done that? Okay, here’s an answer key, check your answers.

  • Eva
  • Gideon
  • Cary
  • Christopher (Gideon’s brother)
  • Gideon’s parents
  • Magdalene (that reporter who’s in love with Gideon)
  • Eva’s parents
  • Eva’s boss whose name I don’t remember
  • Eva’s boss’s boyfriend whose name I also don’t remember haha I’m so good at writing plot summaries haha

So guess what that means?

Cary had filmed the video at the Vidals’ garden party. From the eight-foot-high hedges in the background, he was in the maze, and from the leaves framing the screen, he was in hiding. The star of the show was a couple locked in a passionate embrace. The woman was beautifully teary, while the man kissed over her frantic words and soothed her with gentle strokes of his hands. […]
“Don’t worry,” Christopher crooned to a distraught Magdalene. “You know Gideon gets bored fast.”
“He’s different with her. I—I think he loves her.”

Gasp! Christopher and Magdalene? The only two characters in the novel who have shown up more than once who haven’t previously been shown to be involved with anyone are in a passionate embrace?! WHAT AN UNFORESEEABLE TWIST.

She began to nuzzle into Christopher’s touch, her voice softening, her mouth seeking. To an observer, it was clear he knew her body well—where to pet and where to rub. When she responded to his skilled seduction, he lifted her dress and fucked her. That he was taking advantage of her was obvious. It was there in the contemptuously triumphant look on his face as he screwed her until she was limp.

So, uh, why did Cary feel the need to film all of this? That’s more than a little creepy. Maybe he’s the obsessive completionist type? I bet he’s one of those people who actually needs to catch them all every time a new Pokemon game comes out.

If Bared To You took place in Japan, Christopher would have gotten a Mew instead of a stupid diploma.
If Bared To You took place in Japan, Christopher would have gotten a Mew instead of a stupid diploma.

Eva says that she feels bad for Magdalene and Gideon comments on how much his brother sucks. Then explains that it’s probably because their father committed suicide and Christopher became jealous of the attention Gideon got? Which is the first time that Gideon has ever mentioned his father’s suicide to Eva, who responds, well, probably not how most people would respond.

He’d never been loved. It was as simple—and as complicated—as that. […] I pulled back to look at him. Reaching up, I traced the bold arch of his brow. “I love you.”

Gideon’s immediate reaction is “a violent shudder” and then complete silence during the rest of their car ride to work. Eva continues to read the situation very differently than most people would.

I planned on telling him again one day in the future, but as far as first times went, I thought we’d both done okay.

Yes. When you tell someone that you love them for the first time and their reaction is a long period of silence, that’s a pretty good sign.

Dear Eva, *This* would have been a better sign.
*This* would have been a better sign.

Eva spends the rest of the day sending Gideon flowers and cheesy notes, goes on her lunch break to buy Gideon a ring, and schedules a time with his assistant when she can meet with him to give it to him. Granted, the assistant says that Gideon’s been enjoying the flowers throughout the day and says that he’s never seen him smile more, but aside from this one line from someone who is not the narrator or Gideon, we have no idea if Gideon’s cool or not. I’m still going off of his silent reaction to Eva’s “I love you”, but I think that is a little more important.

Except Eva gives him the ring and Gideon is overwhelmed with how happy he is with Eva. Way to narrate this in a non-confusing way, Sylvia Day. Anyway, Gideon can’t shut up about how happy Eva makes him.

“I want your cunt naked and wet when you come down to the car.”

Or something like that.

The chapter ends with Gideon and Eva in the bath, talking about Gideon’s dad who committed suicide and how it makes Gideon feel. Guys, I read this entire scene the first time around and didn’t even realize they were naked during it. I don’t know if that speaks more to how weird their topic of conversation is during this scene or to how boring this chapter is, but zero fucks.

Because this is the internet, I assume more people will like this post because there's a Doctor Who gif in it.
Because this is the internet, I assume more people will like this post because there’s a Doctor Who gif in it.

But Is It Better Than Fifty Shades of Grey?

Eva and Ana are both bad at reading people, Christian and Gideon are both really sad but also really happy, but Cary fucking recorded a video of the romantic lead’s arch nemeses banging in a garden. What have Ana’s lackeys ever done for her? Oh, right, she doesn’t have any because Christian won’t let her have friends.

The Winner This Round: Bared To You

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3 comments

  1. Bellomy Reply

    You know, if you want a Mew, there’s a well known and easy to execute glitch you can exploit in the first generation. You can get it as soon as Cerulean City.

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  2. rantofalifetime Reply

    “Oh, right, she doesn’t have any because Christian won’t let her have friends.”- i think the word is e l james won’t let her have friends. i mean who in the right mind would make just 2 friends in 4 years of college and then james happens and kate goes away and jose becomes a molester and kate is busy and ana the child grey never makes new friends. shucks!. wait..she also made ana have no e-mail address and have SAT scores so …………….

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