So I’m officially done with my senior thesis wahooo! It was so exciting to finally exit out of my PDF files of the Fifty Shades trilogy. It was less exciting to open up Freed today, but at least now I can make inappropriate jokes and curse and not worry about writing a compelling argument or what have you. Also, just FYI, there is so much delightful idiocy to come! There were so many moments I caught myself actively rolling my eyes as I kept reading.
When we last left off our heroes and their buddies were hanging out in Aspen, and Elliot was proposing to Kate in a restaurant. If you don’t remember who either of those characters are, it’s okay, I barely do and I just wrote my senior thesis on this series. I actually had to have footnotes in my paper explaining who people like Mia and Taylor are. I also used a quote containing the words “kinky fuckery” in an academic paper. Bucket list moment, amiright?
Is Kate gonna accept the proposal? James carefully sets the mood for us:
The anticipation is unbearable. Silence stretches like a taut rubber band. The atmosphere is oppressive, apprehensive, and yet hopeful.
The atmosphere is ALL THE THINGS! It’s sexual, confusing, hilarious, ambiguous, dangerous, flirtatious, and yet stupid.
Kate says yes. I hope all of you at home are going as wild as the other restaurant patrons. I will never understand the proposing in super public places thing. People are just tryna enjoy their dinner, why you gotta go make it all about you and shit?
Christian congratulates Kate saying, “I hope you are as happy in your marriage as I am in mine.” Yikes, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. They fight every five minutes! And they’ve only been married for like a month!
Now it’s time for the gang to go clubbing. Christian glares at the coat check guy for…looking at Ana when he takes her coat? And then immediately following that, this happens:
“Let me show you to your table.” Miss Satin Hot Pants flutters her eyelashes at my husband, flicks her long blond hair, and sashays through the entryway.
I think these are the sorts of cliches you find in dreadful fanfiction where it’s like, “I need a bunch of go-to phrases to show that someone is being flirtations!” Well, what do you know, that’s what this series started as!
Ana slaps a guy. She makes sure to tell us beforehand that she’s super drunk, though.
“Perhaps you should have some more water,” Christian murmurs, a warning clear in his voice.
“I’m fine. These seats are low and my heels are high.”
See, guys? We know she’s drunk because that makes no sense. I even googled that to make sure it wasn’t some phrase that is actually in existence. The amount of research I do for these posts is clearly commendable. So Ana and the ladies go to dance, and here’s what happens:
Suddenly, there are two hands on my hips. I grin. Christian has joined me. I wiggle, and his hands move to my behind and squeeze, then back to my hips.
I open my eyes. And Mia is gaping at me in horror. Shit . . . Am I that bad? I reach down to hold Christian’s hands. They’re hairy. Fuck! They’re not his. I whirl around, and towering over me is a blond giant with more teeth than is natural and a leering smile to showcase them.
“Get your hands off me!” I scream over the pounding music, apoplectic with rage.
Though the image of Ana just freaking the fuck out on this guy who thought she was super into his grinding action cracks me up even on this second reading, it creeps me out so much when guys do this. Like please. Make eye contact first and see if I’m into dancing with you. Do not immediately try to grind yo penis into my butt. Ug.
Also the hairy hands! The weird details about his teeth! James also just goes cliche-crazy again here with this guys “characterization” lest anyone be more than a simple caricature. She also calls him “apelike” in addition to being a leering giant.
So this guy continues to be A Typical Gross Dude, and Ana smacks him across the face. I kept thinking Christian was going to come over and yell at Ana, but he comes over and hits the guy.
His hand moves from his cheek where I’ve slapped him, and Christian hits him. It’s like I’m watching it in slow motion. A perfectly timed punch to the chin that moves at such speed, but with so little wasted energy, Blond Giant doesn’t see it coming. He crumples to the floor like the scumbag he is.
Do scumbags crumple to the ground in a certain way? I never knew. I feel like I’ve learned so much from these books.
Christian is angry!
He’s glaring at my assailant with a
malevolence I’ve not seen before flaring in his eyes. Well, maybe once before after Jack Hyde made a pass at me.
Wait, Ana, I think you mean he’s glaring at this guy in the same way he glares at every other guy who crosses paths with you. Ever. Also I think we can agree Jack Hyde is SIGNIFICANTLY worse than this rando icky guy.
Also, fun fact, Sexy Bitch was apparently playing the whole time this was on. Let’s all go back and re-read this scene while listening to Sexy Bitch. It’s even funnier!
Ana wonders what compelled her to hit the man. She brings up some pretty thought provoking questions:
What possessed me? Touching me wasn’t the worst crime against humanity. Was it?
Yes. Touching Ana is a worse crime against humanity than the holocaust.
So then Ana tells us she hit the guy because she knew how mad Christian would be. And the thought that this guy could make Christian mad…made Ana mad. Logic! Not because, you know, she was upset herself.
Ana gets Christian to dance the anger away. Ah, the power of dance. Later, Kate tells Ana that she “handles” Christian. I wrote a bit about this in my thesis. I mean, I guess if Ana sometimes “handles” Christian it totally negates her controlling and emotionally abusive he can be! We get another instance of Ana handling Christian after they get back to the house. She tells him he can’t watch her pee. Wow! What a strong lady.
And look! They made progress with their relationship! He wasn’t mad at Ana earlier!
“No. Not at you.” He kisses my shoulder. “For once.”
I smile. Not mad at me. This is progress. “Makes a nice change.”
A little free and loose there with the word “progress” aren’t we, Ana? She falls asleep thinking about this so-called progress. I bet tonight I’ll fall asleep wondering about Ana thinking about progress while SHE’S falling asleep. Woah.