Questionable Casting, Good Times: Fifty Shades Movie Cast Announced!!!

On Monday, I received a text from Matt informing me that the roles of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey had finally been cast for the upcoming Fifty Shades movie! Because we’ve spent so much time in the rich universe that is Fifty Shades, we feel highly qualified to discuss the casting choices and who we think should be cast for some of the other roles in the film!

For the role of Anastasia Steele, we have Dakota Johnson.

dakota-johnson-620x349

Ariel says: I’m a little underwhelmed, but optimistic. After all, Ana doesn’t do very much on the outside. Most of the action takes place within her head, and I’m hoping they cut most of that out.

More importantly, they better dye her fucking hair brown! It is such a pet peeve of mine when a book makes it crystal clear what a character looks like, yet in the movie the powers that be can’t be bothered to get something as simple as hair color right. And we all know what a big deal Christian makes about brunettes because of his mommy issues!

Also, apparently Johnson’s been in stuff like 21 Jump Street and The Social Network, but I really only recognize her from Ben and Kate, which just got cancelled. I only saw a few episodes, but some of them were pretty funny. I could see her being good as Ana – she’s not drop-dead-gorgeous, so some of her insecurities could be more understandable, but she’s attractive enough that Christian’s super-mega attraction to her also makes sense.

Matthew says: Congratulations to Dakota Johnson for the end of her acting career! I mean her big break. Casting a relative unknown as the female lead in Fifty Shades is pretty interesting/the only logical thing that could have happened because who wants to be in this? I don’t think anybody actually knows who this actress is. One of the first roles that came up in my Google search for her is a part she had in the series finale for The Office, and, well, she kinda just walked straight into a high-profile job coming from absolutely nowhere. Kind of like… Ana OH MY GOD SHE’S PERFECT.

Anyway, so we can speculate on her abilities to play the challenging role of Anastasia Steele, here’s a clip of her in one of her better known roles: “Girl who slept with Justin Timberlake at the beginning of The Social Network“.

I dunno, with this character, she’s almost standing up for herself. Playing Ana in Fifty Shades of Setting Women Back Fifty Years is going to be a very different challenge.

OH MY GOD AND FOR THE ROLE OF THE SUPER SEXY PERFECT MAN CHRISTIAN GREY WE HAVE….

Charlie Hunnam!

charlie-hunnam
Yo.

Ariel says: He has been in things like Sons of Anarchy and Pacific Rim. I’m not sure if I think he’s hot, and I haven’t really seen anything he’s in. So we shall see. We shall see.

The real challenge is if he can say, “Baby,” and “Laters, baby,” in a way that doesn’t make me laugh hysterically every time he does it. I mean, I would enjoy that, but not for the right reasons.

Matthew says: HE’S NOT EVEN HOT.

Ariel says: He looks hotter in some pictures…but all the names being thrown around during all the wild internet speculation were sexier.

Matthew says: Look, if he isn’t objectively the most attractive man on the planet, I don’t see how he can accurately portray E L James’ artistic vision. His every “Laters, baby” will feel hollow.

– – –

But I bet that’s not enough to satiate your hunger! I bet you want to know who else is going to be in the film. Well, we don’t fucking know, so instead we’re going to wildly speculate like the rest of the internet has been doing about this fucking franchise. Here are our picks for some other “major” characters:

( Ps, This character guide may help remind you who some of these characters are!)

Katherine Kavanagh:

Ariel says: I want Casey Wilson. She’s so good at playing a best friend, and like Dakota Johsnon, Wilson’s show Happy Endings was cancelled, so she’s probably free to film! Oh, man, she would make Kate wayyyy more tolerable because she’s so fun and likeable. She could pull off all those inquisitions Ana’s always whining about. She could also pull off genuinely enjoying the phrase “laters, baby.”

Matthew says: For the role of Ana’s best friend, I think they should go with Kristen Stewart, as a “fuck you” to Kristen Stewart that she isn’t even good enough to play her Twilight character in a Twilight fanfiction.

Jose:  

Ariel says: Taylor Lautner. I hear he’s good at this sort of thing.

taylor-lautner-workout-picMatthew says: Fun fact, we joke so often about how Fifty Shades completely neglects Jose and nobody cares about him, we actually forgot to put him in our first draft of this post. And you know what? It’s pretty hard to come up with another person to play the Jacob of Fifty Shades once JACOB is on the table , except possibly…

“Wait a second,” you might say. “But Jose is Latino! Robert Pattinson is white! You’re whitewashing Fifty Shades of Grey! That’s like the one way you could actually make this thing worse!” While this is very true that Robert Pattinson isn’t Latino, E L James’s understanding of a Latino character is someone who constantly includes one or two Spanish words like “Dios mío!” or “cariño” in his speech, which is otherwise in English, so I don’t think authenticity is really the biggest issue here.

Elena: 

Ariel says: Um, obviously Kim Cattrall. I would want her to basically play Samantha. Her sexual puns and sayings were always hilariously terrible. “The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don’t know how to screw you.” She’s so over-the-top too! I love it!

Man, just listen to that inflection. ALL THE INFLECTION! She’d be so sassy to Ana.

Matthew says: What we have here is a role that 1) is a “Mrs. Robinson”-type older woman who seduces a young man, and 2) is in a movie that no well-known actress would actually do. It sounds like a daunting task, but given those two requirements, I think there’s actually a perfect choice here, which is why I’m suggesting that whoever who played Stacy’s Mom should play Elena.

It’s just too perfect.

Ana’s mom Carla:

Ariel says: Betty White. Because just think how awesome that would be. She makes everything better! I don’t care if the ages don’t make sense; I’m just speaking from the heart, okay? She would make all those cliches about love sound better. 

betty

Besides, Carla’s been married like twenty times, so it’s totally possible she is White’s age!

Matthew says: I know that sometimes it’s hard to tell when I’m joking and when I’m being serious on this blog, but I 100% pinky-promise swear to you right now that if I could have any one of these casting decisions on this page come true, it would be this one. I desperately want the part of Ana’s mother to be played by Carolyn Minnott, best known as Lisa’s mother, Claudette, in Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

Yes, there is a part of me that really, really wants the Fifty Shades of Grey movie to be the next The Room – horrible acting, excessive sex scenes, the works. Hell, I almost put Juliette Danielle (who plays Lisa, the other woman in that clip) as my choice for Kate. Fifty Shades has all the makings of the next The Room, so why not give it that extra little push? And even if you don’t want the Fifty Shades movie to be a train wreck (why are you even here), there’s no denying that Minnott is perfect for this role. Carla constantly spews out cliched and nonsensical advice to Ana, just like Claudette does for her daughter Lisa in The Room. Carla has been married a bunch of times and knows everything about men and what men want, just like Claudette in The Room. Hell, if we didn’t already know that E L James ripped off Twilight, I’d say she ripped off The Room. But live and let live, man. Let Minnott play two maternal figures in the worst movies of the 21st century.

Ana’s dad Ray: 

Ariel says: Well if White is playing Ana’s mom…then I should probably pick someone age appropriate…but I won’t. Instead, I’ll pick my favorite deep-voiced actor! Alec Baldwin!

alec_baldwin

Hell yeah, hell yeah! I’d watch that shit.

Matthew says: Look, this is the part of Ray. He has like four lines in the whole thing, and most of them are about fishing. I say any unknown random person. Just anyone.

Like a guy from a stockphoto or something. I don't care. Anybody. It's fucking Ray, you guys.
Like a guy from a stockphoto or something. I don’t care. Anybody. It’s fucking Ray, you guys.

Christian’s birth mother (aka “the crack whore”): 

Ariel says: Obviously I want Helena Bonham Carter. Just think about it. It’s almost too perfect. And it could either be completely hilarious or legitimately awesome because she’s legitimately awesome. She’s like the queen of darkness, amiright?

helena

Matthew says: Okay, Helena Bonham Carter is a solid choice and Ariel’s totally right. But we’re talking about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, here. There is no way in hell they’re gonna get her to do this movie. So I’m proposing someone more realistically attainable: Taylor Swift.

Think about it. This could be Taylor’s shot at her inevitable musician-goes-film-career attempt we’re all dreading. And the role of Christian Grey’s crackwhore mom isn’t as weird a fit for her as you might think: she plays a female character whose life is destroyed by men. That’s T Swift’s bread and butter! Hell, maybe she can even write a song for the movie from the perspective of the crackwhore about her pimp! It would be an angry song about how a man did her wrong, so, once again, not even that different from what she already writes about! I AM TOTALLY ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

Ana’s Inner Goddess:

Ariel says: I think she should be played by an animated character. I hear the Lizzie Mcguire cartoon is looking for work. Look, she’s dressed up and everything!

lizz mcguire

I can’t see anything unsexy about using a cartoon to depict the inner goddess; it’s basically sure-fire a slam dunk.

Matthew says: I really like Ariel’s idea of taking the Lizzie McGuire approach here, but for the role of the personification of Ana’s libido (which I’d like to remind everyone, is an actual character in these fucking books), I want Amy Sedaris. But I don’t just want Amy Sedaris, I want Amy Sedaris in character as Strangers With Candy‘s Jerri Blank.

What a wonderful world such would be.

Ariel says: Oh my God. THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED! I just didn’t know it until right now.

Ana’s Subconscious: 

Ariel says: I know Emma Watson tweeted about how she would obviously never fucking do this movie, BUT she’s just so good at playing a sassy nerd, and we all know Ana’s subconscious is all about disapproving looks and reading the work of Charles Dickens.

what an idiot

Perfect level of sass for this role.

Matthew says: Ariel’s throwing out a dream cast suggestion again, so I’m going to suggest a more attainable person who would actually do this crap, whose career has sunk to the point where she would accept the role of an imaginary character advocating against sex in a story about sex: Lindsay Lohan.

Of course for the irony.

– – –

Who do you guys think should be in the film? Both jokes and serious answers welcome.

0
Advertisements

0 comments

  1. Sasha J Cameron Reply

    Reblogged this on Fifty Shades of Tribute – Sasha Cameron and commented:
    Alright, let’s get the laughter out of the way and then I will write something serious and awesome about the movie casting. Yeah right! Awesome? Definitely! Serious? Mmm… Not so much. Stay tuned. Oh and there is a new Going Grey chapter up on ff.net and if you’re really lucky I will find some time to format it for the blog in the next 24 hours. Laters baby! (see I can say it seriously!)

    0
  2. Dominic Reply

    Since the beginning I’ve pictured Ana’s subconscious as Dustin Hoffman as he appeared in Tootsie, so take from that what you will. Her inner goddess has always been either Sofia Vergara or Elizabeth Berkley’s character in Showgirls. We all know that both of these characters will just be Dakota Johnson made up to look super dowdy/super sexy and each time we cut to one of them it’ll only be after zooming in on one of Johnson’s eyes ala That’s So Raven and/or Chicago.

    0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Oh my God. Yes to everything in this! The That’s So Raven moments and Tootsie. I’d pay big bucks for that.

      0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      You’ll get a taste once the trailer is released! Man, I cannot wait for that shit to come out.

      0
      • matthewjulius Post authorReply

        I like how we forgot Taylor, while INCLUDING someone named Taylor in our casting predictions.
        E L James’ cameo as the subconscious/inner goddess is a stroke of genius.

        0
        • 22aer22 Post authorReply

          I didn’t forget I just didn’t care enough about him…My bad 🙁

          HOWEVER! For the role of Mrs. Jones, I’d like to submit Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire.

          0
  3. 24karats Reply

    They’re still going through with this movie? I keep thinking/hoping/praying to God it’s an Internet hoax.

    Let me just say I completely applaud the choice of StockPhoto Guy for Ray. That is a move of pure genius.

    Aside from that, casting is hard because I wouldn’t wish this hot garbage on any actor/actress I actually enjoy watching.

    That being said:
    Blake Lively for Kate. I mean doesn’t she run off with the brother in chapter 3 anyway? With such little screen time, I can maintain my ambivalence about her.

    Miley Cyrus for Crack Whore. I don’t really feel like this needs an explanation.

    Paul Walker for Taylor. HOW COULD YOU GUYS FORGET TAYLOR?!?!? Taylor, like most characters, does nothing to contribute to this story, so I don’t feel constrained by looks or acting ability. This choice is solely based on a need to look at Paul Walker.

    The dude that plays Pete on Mad Men for Jose. Yes, this is whitewashing the character, but he’s excellent at playing a slimeball.

    Mariah Carey or Paula Abdul for Mrs Robinson. I think either of these women will lend the requisite gravitas to this film.

    Taylor Swift for Mia. Taylor Swift is more than annoying enough to pull off Mia. Seems like a no brainer.

    Beyonce for the Inner Goddess. I mean she pretty much just has to sashay and give that crazy death stare B has built an empire on. However, if the role requires speaking or B demands to sing, I will withdraw this choice.

    Actually, eff it. In a pure mic drop – I’m going with EL James for both Inner Goddess AND Subconscious. Because the whole time i was reading this drivel, in my head I pictured a 50 year old woman acting like a 20 year old, so really what better choice?

    0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Urrrg we should have done Taylor, but this post was starting to get out of hand, especially when I realized we had to do the inner goddess/subconscious.

      BEYONCE AS THE INNER GODDESS IS PERFECTION! Or EL James. That would be hilarious. But come on. Beyonce. Yes.

      0
  4. skinsavant Reply

    charlie and dakota will do amazingly well. didn’t like the insults thrown at rob and kristen…that’s hitting below the belt…not funny at all. their twilight characters were e.l. james’ inspirations. james was crushing on rob and wanted him to play christian but it was his choice not to take the part. kristen, in my opinion is talented and has proven she capable of making successful box office movies was considered but she wasn’t asked to audition…she doesn’t do frontal nudity and what was the point? and i respect her for that. charlie, is talented, handsome, doesn’t have as much exposure…european with great bod and american accent and is willing to expose everything. he only needs minor tweaking and he’ll totally rock that sophisticated, quiet dangerous sexy 27-year-old multi-billionaire christian grey! this is hollywood afterall…they love to surprise us…and shock us. charlie hunnam is christian grey and dakota jackson is anastasia steele! and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that. deal with it and just enjoy the ride! life’s too short. 🙂

    0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Hollywood hasn’t “shocked” or “surprised” me in…I don’t even know. Hollywood continually churns out blockbuster duds until they hit on something that’s entertaining and actually makes them money back. Rarely is that something entertaining “shocking” and anything other than formulaic.

      That being said, I do, again, think these actors have potential. I also do think I can change the fact that Dakota Jackson will be playing Ana because I believe Dakota Johnson has the honors there.

      0
  5. Manny Reply

    @Skinsavant: that Kristen Stewart has acting abilities is questionable, at least IMO. I’ve seen Snowhite and the Hunter (or whatever the name was!) and… well, her expressions didn’t change much during the whole movie. Whether she was imprisoned or fighting, her face remained more or less the same. Just like it happened in the Twilight Saga.

    Sure, there’s nothing we can do to change the Actors chosen for 50SOG, but talking about it is also part of the fun. We all have ideas after all, even about things beyond our powers. These discussions about the cast chosen for movies based on successful books have always existed and will always do!

    To be honest, though, I don’t think that the guy chosen for Christian is suitable, at least I imagined Christian with a different face, but maybe he’ll do a better job than the book. I only hope that they’ll sum up the 3 books into a single movie!

    0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      @Manny. Couldn’t agree more! I saw Snow White and the Huntsman as well and HER EXPRESSION DID NOT CHANGE AT ALL! I guess maybe it takes talent to be able to move your face so little?

      I liked her back when she was In the Land of Women, which was a terrible movie, but she nailed Angsty Teenager like no one else quite can.

      0
  6. Molly Reply

    Ok first, I just tried to leave this comment from my work computer and I got a notice that my firm’s network that this site is blocked because it is classified as porn. Hilarious. So now I’m on my cell phone. Second, as soon as I heard the they announced this casting decision my first reaction was to make my own judgment. My second reaction was to sincerely hope you guys would do a review post. So thanks for not disappointing. Reading this will likely be one of the most entertaining points in my day.

    0
  7. E.H.Taylor Post authorReply

    If Betty White were to act in this movie, I may actually have to pay money to go see it.

    Personally, I think the same person should play all of the secondary characters. It’s not like you can tell them apart or remember half of them anyway.

    0
  8. Manny Reply

    Oh, and how about Christian’s adoptive parents? 🙂 Who do you suggest for the roles?

    0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Amy Poehler and Will Arnett (maybe it will make them get back together!)

      0
  9. Kristin Reply

    Clearly the budget for this movie is $2.50 based on those actors. I still wonder if it will ever get made? 50 Shades is so 2 years ago! lol
    About the only thing that will get me to go to a theater to watch this movie is if the cast Jason Statham as Taylor…

    0
    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      HA! I’d watch that film! He’d be so badass as Taylor. I hope the budget is just an even 50 dollars. I think that’s all they really need for this.

      0
      • Quinn Reply

        Jenny Trout’s hilarious sporks of the Fifty Shades series also decided that Taylor should be played by Jason Statham. I still wouldn’t go see it in a theater, but I would definitely do the Redbox thing if he did. Because yes, badass, and I would just about listen to him read the phone book so if he has any lines at all that would be awesome.

        I would also cheerfully accept Paul Walker, although only with short hair because his curls in the original Fast and the Furious do nothing for me and I’m clearly basing this casting decision on looks. (Also, he tends to have slashy chemistry with his male co-stars and I would laugh my ass off if he and Charlie Hunnam did too. Because I would be so so amused if there was more Christian/Taylor chemistry than Christian/Ana. One of the funnier comments on Trout’s sporking is that realistically Ana should be more jealous of Taylor and Christian should be more jealous of Kate character-wise than they are about the people they’re canonically jealous about. Which since Ana can definitely be read as in love with Kate and totally in denial about it makes sense to me. And the thought of Christian/Taylor works for me too, because yay for bodyguard/boss trope.)

        By the way, I was at the library the other day when a librarian was checking in Fifty Shades of Grey and she was all “I cannot believe people are still reading this, I couldn’t even get into the sex because I was mentally editing so much”. So I told her about the sex not being all that hot, the conflation of BDSM with abuse, and pimped both your blog (mentioning The Host as well IIRC) and Jenny Trout’s sporking.

        0
  10. Beatriz Reply

    Ookay, Charlie Hunnam is hot as fuck alright? I’m actually sad he’s landed on such a shit movie, and I’m just waiting for his RPatz stile interviewa, lol. Taylor Swift for Mia is actually great, and really, RPatz for subconcious has to happen.

    0
  11. Ann Smith Reply

    the cast that they picked suck ass. I dont care when the dam movie comes out. I will stick with the book. I’m sooooo dun with this shit……:(

    0
  12. Pingback: Fifty Shades Cast Updates! Crossfire TV Series!: The 2013 Erotic Year in Review | Bad Books, Good Times

Leave a Reply