Do you guys remember The Tao of Badass? Sadly, I have yet to read what I’m sure is a riveting and informative piece of work, but I did read a very telling review of it. THIS article, though, is directly from the Tao of Badass’ site! I’ve gone right into the belly of the Badass and gotten some great tips on how to stop a woman (or possibly a man, I’m not sure if these tips are applicable to both sexes as I have not yet had a chance to test them) when you pass her on the street and her sexiness is so powerful that YOU MUST HAVE HER IMMEDIATELY!
So what exactly do you do when this heavenly goddess breezes by you on the street headed to work/home/to meet a friend/to poop? Stop her using these tactics that only THE Tao of Badass could think up.
1) Eye contact
Okay, this seems like a no brainer, but I’ve made eye contact with loads of people on the street and don’t think I’ve ever been stopped by them. But I guess that’s the best place to start rather than chasing up behind her screaming, “Hey you! I, uh, you have boobs and pretty.”
This is also sneakily a two step process.
Nearly every book, list or website you read about how men can connect better with women will mention eye contact. And they’re right. With the pretty lady you see on the street, make eye contact as soon as possible. Keep your eyes locked, too, so she knows that it wasn’t just chance that your eyes met. Once eye contact has been made, make sure she knows you are trying to get her attention. Wave, nod – something obviously attention getting.
Wave or nod you say? I guess that sure is a good step in getting that pretty lady to stop moving. The weirder and more attention grabbing the wave or nod the better! Cause then she’ll be like, “Buwuh? Who is that crazy…” and then like fifteen minutes later you’ll be having sex. It’s guaranteed!
A little bonus tip that the Tao leaves out is to check, before this eye contact phase, to see if she’s wearing heels, it might make it harder for her to get away from you! Or if she has a limp! Women with limps are great to practice these tips on.
2) Use your voice
Are you sure, Tao of Badass? What about the nod? Wasn’t that enough? Christ, okay, use your voice (as opposed to, what, clapping or snapping your fingers at her. God I hate when people do that.)
If you’re on a loud street, you’ll need to speak up. Make sure the ends of your sentences aren’t getting lost in the noisy bustle around you. This is particular important if she’s a distance away and not near enough to hear you talking at a normal volume. Stay calm and keep your words simple so she can understand.
You gotta be so careful about the ends of those sentences, otherwise she might never know and always be left wondering what it was you were trying to say! You were on your way to a…sports bar? Carnival? Chuck-E Cheese? Friend’s house? Robin Thicke concert where all he plays is motherfucking Blurred Lines
I’ma take a good giiiiiiirl? All of these things indicate very different qualities in a person that she may or may not want to avoid! If she misunderstands it could totally ruin the encounter for you (or, actually, it could save you if the end of that sentence was that you were headed to that Robin Thicke concert).
Also, I love that the Tao doesn’t even pretend that the men reading these articles are competent enough to know how to fucking control the volume of their voice. Like, how insulting is this? It’s like when my mom tells me six hundred times in a row that I shouldn’t put my bras in the dryer and instead should hang them on a drying rack. It’s like that except if my mom also told me how to arrange them on the drying rack and then told me what speed I should hang them up at.
But most of all, guys. Most of fucking all. “Keep your words simple so she can understand.” Can you understand these words, Tao? “Thank you.” What? Oh…you thought I was gonna write “Fuck you.” Well, you’re wrong, cause we women-folk get ever so confused by big-worded man-speak and the Tao gets that. It’s part of what makes him such a badass.
3) Don’t follow
Did this REALLY have to be advice? Seriously, this just shows the kind of men reading this article who need to be reminded that stalking is still not okay even if you are trying to have a romantic encounter with a woman you don’t know. Okay, perhaps especially with a woman you don’t know. Come on, everyone has to realize this situation is already walking the tightrope of cute and creepy, and following this woman is going to make you fall very hard on the side of creepy.
You don’t want to rush after her. This displays neediness and might scare her. Instead, hold your ground and make sure she has heard you and has seen your eye contact. Compliment her so she’ll have a reason to slow down and engage you. If you need to, try complimenting a few random people throughout the day and seeing what kinds of responses you get. Note what works best so you’ll be prepared when the woman of your dreams strides past.
Okay, so we’re not even going to touch on how this might threaten and terrify the woman in question. It’s the NEEDINESS of the man that scares her. “Make sure she has heard you and has seen your eye contact.” Well. I’m just gonna throw this out there, and feel free to disagree, but if she hasn’t seen your eye contact…it wasn’t fucking eye contact now was it?
4) Use your hands
I freaked the fuck out when I initially read that, but shockingly it’s not at all what it implies which is that you should physically grab this sexy female stranger in an attempt to have a romantic moment with her. Here’s what our beloved Tao actually means:
Incorporating hand gestures into your conversation will not only help her follow your conversation if you’re somewhere busy, but it will also keep her attention on you. On the street, it will be easy for her to get distracted, particularly if she isn’t totally convinced that it was worth stopping to talk. Use your hands to keep her eyes focused on you. Using your hands will also display confidence. Don’t keep them in your pockets with your shoulders slouched. You know what you want and you think she’ll want it, too. Make that clear.
This isn’t great, but thank god this wasn’t what we all thought it was going to be. Like, at least we can all rest easy knowing that the advice isn’t on another level of creepy and horrible. It’s just misguided and weird in this instance, which we can work with. Whew. That was a close call.
I can only imagine what level of insane hand gestures it might take some men to hold a woman’s attention on the street.
There is nothing as welcoming and nonthreatening as a smile.
You want to show her how excited you are by seeing her but also maintain a calm that assures her that you aren’t a nutcase. Just smile. Express your excitement and attraction to her with your grin. It will calm her down, welcome her to you, and engage her in conversation.
To be fair, this is not the worst advice to end on in some ways and may prevent one or two innocent men from getting tasered. But smiling really is not a cure for creepiness. Plenty of creepy men have smiled at me in my time, and it has not assured me they are not a nutcase or calmed me down. You know, ’cause we women are always like BLARGH MY PERIOD. We must be calmed.
The Tao’s final words:
The trick with stopping a busy lady on the street is accessing your confidence and then, of course, not losing it. You have to stand your ground. Don’t run after her; [Ariel: Please, do not run after her. I cannot stress this enough.] your eye contact and waving should be bold enough to convince her to stop. From there, you know what to do. Flirt, compliment, engage. Make her so intrigued by you that she wants to know more. Don’t get too casual too quick – remember that you just met on the street and you don’t even know if she’s single – but if her body language is saying “yes,” go ahead and ask for a chance to see her again. Stopping someone on the street who catches your eye can seem a little trashy if you don’t handle yourself correctly. The trick is getting her attention and then letting her know how honorable and honest your intentions are.
Also, ya know, try actually having honorable and honest intentions. What is severely lacking about this article is how it gives no real advice on what to do when you get her to stop. Sure, “flirt, compliment, engage” sounds simple, and apparently the reader is supposed to “know what to do,” but seriously, what the fuck do you say to a random woman you have stopped on the street? And are the men reading this really supposed to know what to suddenly say and do if they weren’t even sure how to control the volume of their voice or that you shouldn’t run after a woman on the street?