Vampyre Blow Jobs: Marked Chapter 7

Last time, things really heated up when Zoey met a vampyre lady with sweet boobs. She’s Neferet, the High Priestess of the House of Night. That sounds like a professional vampyre job. Also, there were Native Americans and prophecies and ancient Cherokee goddesses oh my! [Matthew says: If I had to guess what my main complaint with Marked was going to be, “there are too many plots to keep track of” would not have been towards the top of my list.]

Chapter 7

Neferet takes Zoey on a tour of the cave school. We can only hope that this is the only tour necessary. She explains the hours of operation which, as I’m sure you could guess, all take place during the night because vampyres. Zoey is shocked that classes end at three in the morning! Woah. [Matthew says: I get that she’s in shock and all, but you’d think she might have been less surprised about that one. This would be like if when we studied abroad in England, we were shocked they didn’t start classes with the pledge of allegiance.]

Neferet’s cat Skyler is introduced, and we learn a little more about Zoey’s horrible step-father:

I carefully scratched Skylar’s ears like Neferet had been doing. “I like cats,” I said softly. “I used to have one, but when my mom got remarried I had to give it to Street Cats to be adopted. John, her new husband, doesn’t like cats.”

This is the first time I’ve felt genuine outrage about anything John’s done and not just laughed at the absurdity of it.

I guess this book is trying to assert its independence from other vampire/vampyre books, [Matthew says: Aside from being a “vampyre” book] because apparently in this universe “cats have always been closely allied to vampyres” and this is something that is taught in history classes. This is what our valuable tax dollars are going towards! [Matthew says: Thanks, Obama.]

Okay, actually I already knew that. In World History with Mr. Shaddox (better known as Puff Shaddy, but don’t tell him [What the fuck does this even mean? Is this a reference to both Eminem and P.Diddy? I googled this term to make sure I wasn’t missing something and Google was like, “Uh…are you trying to look up the Powerpuff Girls or Puff Daddy? Are you suffering from brain damage?”) we learned that in the past cats had been slaughtered because it was thought that they somehow turned people into vampyres. Yeah, okay, talk about ridiculous. More evidence of the stupidity of humans…the thought popped into my mind, shocking me by how easily I’d already started thinking of “normal” people as “humans,” and therefore something different than me. [It all happened so fast.]

johnny depp
This is pretty much how I always look when reading this.

We also learn that high priestesses get gifts from the goddess Nyx. The one Zoey met! I’m not sure if this is going to be important, so I’ll include a snippet:

like reading minds or having visions and being able to predict the future. Or the affinity can be for something in the physical realm, like a special connection to one of the four elements, or to animals. I have two Goddess gifts. My main affinity is for cats; I have a connection with them that is unusual, even for a vampyre. Nyx has also given me unusual powers of healing.”

Man if the goddess was going to give me an “affinity” I’d feel really cheated if I had to continually dress up the fact that my superpower was just having a special connection to cats. Even Aquaman’s powers were slightly more exciting and versatile than this.

How does she go about justifying this when people are like, “So…you can talk to cats?”

“Well, no, I have a special connection to them. It’s unusual!”

“Isn’t that pretty useless?”

“No no! Because I can sense if the liter box needs changing, which is a valued skill among vampyres!”

I just played with a cat five minutes ago and came back to update this post to inform everyone that I’ve clearly been blessed by Nyx as well. The cat walked me all the way back to my dorm! If that’s not a connection, I don’t know what the fuck is.

Neferet gets an urgent phone call, so she tells Zoey to go find a nearby bench. Instead, Zoey finds two teenage vampyres engaged in sexy times. What a daring piece of literature! Vamypres and blow jobs in one chapter!

Creepily enough, though, as I read on it becomes apparent that this attempted blow job is against the guy’s wishes.

“No!” He snapped, putting his hands on her shoulders and trying to push her away from him.
“Oh, quit pretending?” she laughed again, a mean, sarcastic sound. “You know we’ll always be together.”
[…]
Cut it out!” He was still pushing at her shoulders. “I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re really starting to piss me off. Why can’t you understand? We’re not doing this anymore. I don’t want you.”
“You want me! You’ll always want me!” She unzipped his pants.

I thought his pants were already unzipped. Man, Zoey is terrible at telling stories.

It only gets more confusing when the guy spots Zoey and appears to get an erection when they meet eyes:

The guy’s eyes lifted. He saw me.
And then something truly bizarre happened. I could feel his touch through our eyes. I couldn’t look away from him. The girl in front of him seemed to disappear, and all there was in the hallway was him and me and the sweet, beautiful smell of his blood.
“You don’t want me? That’s not how it looks now,” she said with a nasty purr in her voice.

So I guess this is how we were introduced to Zoey’s romantic interest? [Matthew says: Is that what happened? I had no idea what was going on. This is another good example of how this story is told in overlapping literally-happening, spiritually-happening, and figurative language all at the same time and you don’t know if Zoey’s talking about a real blow job, a figurative blow job, or a Cherokee ancestor spirit world blow job of the soul.] I gotta say it surpasses that of the other books we’ve done here. At least Zoey wasn’t the one falling on her knees this time unlike Eva and Ana.

Zoey runs away and waits for Neferet. She takes this precious time to give us her opinion on blow jobs:

Yes, I was aware of the whole oral sex thing. I doubt if there’s a teenager alive in America today who isn’t aware that most of the adult public think we’re giving guys blow jobs like they used to give guys gum (or maybe more appropriately suckers). [Is Zoey completely insane? What the fuck is she even talking about?] Okay, that’s just bullshit, and it’s always made me mad. Of course there are girls who think it’s “cool” to give guys head. Uh, they’re wrong. [Are they?] Those of us with functioning brains know that it is not cool to be used like that. [What a powerful woman.] [Matthew says: A good percentage of women can’t achieve orgasm from penetrative sex. So, yeah, enjoy being on your high horse of no oral sex. Additionally, see how that’s very clearly a figurative horse and not a real horse.]
Okay, so I knew about the whole blow job issue. I’ d definitely never seen one. [Wait! I thought she’d just unzipped his pants. DID IT OR DID IT NOT HAPPEN?!?!] 

Neferet shows up and finishes the tour. Zoey gets to see all her new classmates hanging out and the school itself. She is in awe, and then spends ages telling us how all adult vampyres are sexy. It confuses me because Zoey keeps implying that she’ll mature into an adult vampyre, but that goes against all my understandings of what it means to be a vampyre. [Matthew adds: And what it means to be mature.]

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0 comments

  1. Bellomy Reply

    Zoey’s blow job rant made my IQ drop. Not even because it was offensive. Just because it was utterly bizarre. What in fuck’s name was she even TALKING about? What the Hell was the point of that?

    I don’t think these authors (co-written, right?) have ever spoken to an actual teenager. Or seen an actual teenager. Not even pictures. I think somebody must have described teenagers to them once and this is what they’re basing the dialogue and thought processes on.

    Here’s a true story on stupid teenage shit: I have a friend from High School who is a lot like me, but smarter, more sarcastic, more opinionated, and funnier. One day some moron from our class on Facebook made some idiot comment. It was something like, “my gf’s parents are so dumb. like just because i do drugs doesnt mean i sell them seriously wtf”.

    My friend responded, “Yeah man, just because I have a meth lab in the basement doesn’t mean I actually sell the stuff. Shit, man, I have people for that”.

    I think I almost died of laughter.

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  2. Judy Reply

    One of Zoey’s “gifts” /superpowers from her secret encounter with Nyx must be inducing erections.

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  3. Kristin Reply

    A Johnny Depp GIF, an Aqua Man reference, and blow jobs. Who would have thought they could all go in one post? Brava!!
    (I still can’t tell which book is worse, this or Walking Disaster/Beautiful Disaster.)

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  4. Vivienne Reply

    I’m sorry, but I am truly offended by her whole holier-than-thou attitude and her comment, “Those of us with functioning brains know that it is not cool to be used like that.”

    THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. Look, many times women are “used” by guys in this way. It can be by forcing a drunk girl to do it at a party, or by forcing someone unwilling as a way of asserting male dominance and raping someone. HOWEVER, there are women who actually enjoy doing this. And I do not say this with a tone of amazement. I like it. I have friends who like it. Have I ever felt demeaned by doing it? Yes. Painting every experience with that brush though is so closed minded. I’d like to point out that in that little scenario it was the FEMALE who was the aggressor. But sure, say SHE was allowing herself to be used that way…men can’t be raped right? This just sickens me. I cannot believe that this is the crap people just go nuts over.

    I feel like you should make a mug or a shirt or a bag that says “Proud Supporter of the Right to BJs!” I’d buy one. Maybe not bring it to work…but I’d totally drink tea from that mug at home…

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    • 22aer22 Reply

      I felt exactly the same way reading this. It’s such an insane blanket statement to say all blow jobs = being used. We could argue that this is Zoey’s character – she’s young and naive. If she’d personally been used by someone and now was making generalizations I could understand her character. I’m not convinced of the writers authority, I don’t think they have mastery over characterization. I think they’re the ones who believe this and that’s what’s so jarring about the scene. It doesn’t feel like some dumb character with a dumb opinion, it feels like the authors are coming in and giving us a weird moral lesson.

      My boyfriend says he would buy that mug in a heartbeat. I also think that’s an amazing idea.

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  5. scummy48 Reply

    Not to be repetitive but I really just need to reiterate how right the authors were when they said Zoey sounds like a real teenager. I mean between her puff shady teacher joke and her random commentary on blowjobs, gum, and suckers (which totally read like a teenage girl and not a grown women trying to remind her young readers and daughters that sex brings stds to girls and blowjobs are allowing yourself to be you used (which also makes no sense in this context since the guy was being sexually assaulted. Like would it really be appropriate/plausible that anyone would go into slut-shaming-respect-yourself-sex-isn’t-cool mode instead of holy shit I think I just witnessed sexual assault what should I do mode????)) Do these writers think they are sending out an at all ok message by telling girls to brush off assault if it happens to a guy and judge other girls for allowing themselves to be used (EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST WATCHED THE GIRL USE THE GUY IN A REALLY DISTURBING WAY). Like it wasn’t like the authors were even trying here, or the last time they reminded their readers that sex just isn’t cool. The thoughts are random and irrelevant and totally out of context and sound like they should be in a terrible abstinence-only skit and not in the mind of anyone. Like no one thinks like this. The writing style reminds me of things I would have written in 9th grade. How did an adult write this? Why did another adult publish it? Why are teenagers reading it? I just don’t understand.

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  6. Pingback: Postscript #1: Comments on the Internet! | Bad Books, Good Times

  7. Pingback: Checking Privilege: So My Other Blog Asked Me To Make A Feminist, Anti-Slut Shaming Mug About Blow Jobs | Angry Postcards From Nihilist Penguins

  8. jmfausti Reply

    I think this is what happens when a mother/daughter write about blow jobs together. There are just too many layers of WTF when considering the published book and the creation of same. Yeeesh!

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