Zoey Doesn’t Have A Plan, Except She Has A Plan To Get A Plan, And Thus Plans That Plan To Get A Plan: Marked Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Zoey is filling in Southern Friend, Gay Friend, Black Friend, and I-Can’t-Remember-If-She-Has-Four-Friends Friend [Ariel says: Cheerleader! What’s her face! So and So! The Ugly One!] on her mission to take out Aphrodite, because high school is very, very serious.

“So what are you going to do?” Damien asked me.
“I don’t really know,” I said.

Good thing you turned down that date with your dream man, then. [Ariel says: She has to do the purification ritual under a tree and then see what happens after! That’s the plan. And then she’s gonna plan the other plan!]

“You getter get a plan and get one quick […]”
“Well, I kinda have an idea.”

Ah, this is different from your last line where you said you didn’t know what you’re going to do! So what are you going to do, Zoey?

“I thought I’d perform an ancient purification prayer based on Cherokee ritual and ask Nyx to help me come up with a plan.”

Oh. So your idea is to get an idea because you don’t have an idea. This is what you meant by saying you had an idea after you said you didn’t have an idea. Zoey, I’m going to be honest. I’m very concerned that you have followers.

hbgte
Except instead of the plot of an episode of Friends, it’s the second act of this novel.

Zoey says that something inside her tells her that it’s wrong for Aphrodite to get away with everything she does. Stevie Rae abruptly blurts out that she should tell everyone Zoey’s secret, and so Zoey reluctantly tells her friends that she can feel the five elements when a circle is cast. Because I guess these two things are related somehow? The Casts stop ripping on their dumb-as-rocks Oklahoma character to rip on their gay character instead.

“you could potentially be the most puissant High Priestess the vampyres have ever known.”

  1. “you could potentially be the most puissant High Priestess the vampyres have ever known.”
  2. “Huh?” I said. Puissant?
  3. “Strong – powerful,” he said impatiently.
  4. “Even the most puissant High Priestess needs her circle.”
  5. “Yeah, we’ll bring the stuff; you bring the puissantness,” Shaunee said
  6. “That is not the correct form of that word.”

We get it Kristin and P.C. Cast! You own a thesaurus!

So you can stop masturbating now.
So you can stop masturbating now. [Ariel says: You just posted a Supernatural gif, that’s not going to stop anyone from masturbating. It’s why the show has been on 8 years!]
Zoey describes her plan of combining a Cherokee purification ritual with a vampyre circle ritual to summon Nyx to ask for her help. Why does she think this will work? We have no reason to believe this will work. At no point in the novel have we been given any understanding of some sort of compatibility between Cherokee and Vampyre supernatural rituals. Just like everything else in the book, Kristin and P.C. Cast aren’t so much “writing a story” as they are “throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks”, except it’s a book, so the wall is the reader. Like apparently now if Zoey casts a circle, then in that case her friends will notice she’s sensing the five elements! Apparently!

“if you really do have an affinity for the five elements, I’ll bet we’ll be able to sense it when you cast your own circle. Right, Damien?” Stevie Rae said. Everyone looked at the gay scholar of our group.”Sounds like good logic to me,” he said.

Wait, Damien is gay? [Ariel says: Wait, Damien is a scholar?]

So Zoey’s plan to get a plan because she doesn’t have a plan is just as badly conceived as her plan to go ahead without a plan because she has a plan to have a plan. Basically, there’s a lot of planning going on for people who haven’t figured out shit throughout the whole book. [Ariel says: I bet more thought went into Kayla and Heath’s Big Stupid Rescue Mission, which was a huge failure in the end. I mean, it was a huge failure from beginning to end.]

They decide to meet before sunrise, after classes, to do their ritual. But on her way there, Zoey runs into apparently-our-primary-antagonist, Aphrodite!

“I know what you’re planning for tonight.”

OH SHIIIII-

“No matter what bullshit you’ve heard he’s still mine. He’ll always be mine.”

Oh, they’re just going to fight about a boy. WOW, I TOTALLY THOUGHT APHRODITE KNEW ABOUT ZOEY’S PLAN TO GET A PLAN. PHEW. [Ariel says: I guess word got around about the Star Wars invitation? Which means that by “I know what you’re planning for tonight” Aphrodite was thinking “A blow job during Star Wars!”] [Matthew adds: There’s this kid Ariel and I knew at college who got really drunk one night and, for thoroughly inscrutable reasons, referred to a beer bong as a “blowjob lightsaber”, and this would be a great time to bring that up if only you guys were in on that joke.]

“Wow, you sound like Erik’s mom. Does he know you’re checking up on him?”

Decent comeback, Zoey!

“Did I look like Erik’s mom when you watched me suck his dick in the hall?”

OH SNAP. Point to Aphrodite! [Ariel says: I hate to say it, but I like her. That’s also an extremely awkward question when you think about it. Most importantly, did she or did she not actually give him a blow job? I thought she was trying but he pushed her away. It’s so unclear!] [Matthew adds: Why is this book’s biggest mystery whether or not Aphrodite gave someone a blow job?]

“No, you didn’t look like Erik’s mom. You looked like what you are – desperate”

Oh shiiiiiiiiii-
Oh shiiiiiiiiii-

Zoey apparently wins with that one, because Aphrodite goes to hit her, but Zoey stops her with vampyre powers, I guess.

She raised her hand and, clawlike, moved to slash at my face. Then it seemed that the world stopped, leaving the two of us in a little bubble of slow-motion. I caught her wrist, stopping her easily – too easily.

Except it's teenagers fighting over a boy.
Except it’s teenagers fighting over a boy.

“Don’t ever try to hit me again. I’m not one of the kids you can bully. Get this, and get this now. I am not scared of you.” Then I flung her wrist away from me, and was totally shocked to see her stagger back several feet.

Man, hopefully Zoey stops being super special sometime soon so there’s some sort of dramatic climax.

Aphrodite threatens to kick Zoey out of the Dark Daughters, and Zoey points out that she might not want to have to explain to Neferet that she kicked out Zoey because she was jealous her ex-boyfriend likes her. Things aren’t super easy for Zoey though, as Aphrodite admits defeat, but departs by warning Zoey that “Erik Night and I have a bond that you’ll never understand […] He was then and he is now exactly what I want him to be. Mine.” Which I guess either means, 1) someone got imprinted, since that’s the only rule about special bonds we know about, or 2) the Casts are gonna make up more stuff on the spot. [Ariel says: I think they’re going to make up something about how a blow job imprints you for lyfe, so that means you should only wait until vampyre marriage to give one.]

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6 comments

  1. Madeline Reply

    As someone with actual Cherokee heritage, I am frowning super hard at this book right now. But I can’t even be offended, it’s too stupid.

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  2. E.H.Taylor Reply

    How does Aphrodite know that Zoe was in the hallway when she was forcing a blowjob on Erik? Wasn’t she a little… busy?

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  3. Vivienne Reply

    I want to be offended by so many things but I just can’t find it within myself. They’re trying SO HARD and I just am looking at this going “Oh, honey…why?”

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  4. Shannon Reply

    So many things… First, that was the BEST episode of Friends ever! I still use that quote!
    Second, who gives a blow-job in a hallway? Honestly!
    Third, maybe Blow-job Betty could foresee that Zoey would see the blow-job in question but was too cruel to actually warn her about seeing said blow-job! Oh the humanity!!

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    • blankexpression42 Reply

      Actually, one of mu high school teachers said when he was in high school, there was a girl who was known as “Sticky” Vicky. One day, one of his friends wanted to confirm/disprove the rumors about her nickname. She confirmed it in a broom closet… and they were found by the janitor. It was awkward for the two of them, but hilarious for everyone else.

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