The Book Officially Loses Its S**t: Marked Chapter 27

"I don't know what that means"

Previously, Zoey tells us that she must go to the Dark Daughter’s ritual at all costs for some reason. She also alludes to Neferet being evil, [Matthew says: Technically Zoey doesn’t make any statement at all about Neferet being evil. She “just knows” she shouldn’t go to Neferet with a matter of obvious danger, so it’s more like the Casts pocket-dialed us “BTW NEFERET IS EVIL”.] which is yet another potential plot in a book that has no real plot and yet has too many potential threads that could maybe be plot. Zombie ghosts, classmates dying, imprinted ex-boyfriends, Erik Knight, defeating Aphrodite, Equestrian Vamypre class, Zoey’s family, high priestesses/super vampyre powers. So much stupid and yet THERE IS STILL NO DISCERNIBLE PLOT!

Chapter 27

This chapter begins with a paragraph containing so much joke fodder that I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m just going to mark the places I want to draw your attention to. [Matthew says: In the future when BBGT becomes a renowned intellectual institution and we release BBGT editions of these texts, there will be footnotes just like this, just like in Norton Critical editions! Except a very different kind of “critical”.]

“Nice dress, Zoey. It looks just like mine. Oh, wait! It used to be mine.” (1) Aphrodite laughed a throaty, I’m-so-grown-up-and-you’re-just-a-kid laugh. (2) I really hate it when girls do that. I mean, yes, she’s older, but I have boobs, too. (3) 

1: What kind of a half-assed burn is this? I expected better of Aphrodite! Who gives a rat’s ass if Zoey is wearing a dress Aphrodite used to own? And if you thought the insult was supposed to be about money, Zoey’s reaction says it’s somehow supposed to be an assertion of adulthood or something, which makes no sense at all. Imagine if she’d used this with other objects: “Nice book, Zoey, it looks just like my copy of Vampyre Sociology 101Oh wait, it is my copy of Vampyre Sociology 101.” 

2: That is a really strangely specific laugh, and I would very much like to know what it sounds like.

3: Well at least Zoey’s got her boobs. They’re a pretty decent fallback to have when you’re missing intelligence, sensitivity, maturity of every variety except in terms of boobs, and more. Next time any other post-pubescent female tries to mess with me, Ima just be like, “That’s cool, bitch. I’ve got boobs too!”

They trade more lame insults (and somehow the Vampyre Sociology book is actually fucking brought up even though I pulled that reference out of my ass), and then Aphrodite begins her speech about how the fledglings who died were weak and shouldn’t have been vampyres anyway.

This is how Zoey tries to show us how much better she is than Aphrodite:

Okay, I admit that I hadn’t liked Elliott—no one had. The kid was annoying and unattractive (and his ghost or whatever seemed to be carrying on those traits), but I was not glad he died. If I’m ever leader of the Dark Daughters I won’t make fun of the death of a fledgling, no matter how insignificant.

Gee, for someone who isn’t supposed to be completely shallow, Zoey is pretty fixated on Elliot’s appearance being a huge indicator of why he was so unlikable. [Matthew says: Let’s also all appreciate that Zoey literally just described specific people dying as “insignificant”.] I can’t stress enough how angry Zoey makes me.

"Wolf of Wallstreet Leo angry"

I made the promise to myself, but I was also conscious of sending it out like a prayer. I hoped Nyx heard me, and I hoped she approved.

I hope Nyx takes a dump on your head, Zoey. Like a big giant pigeon goddess. Shoutout to ma book Beautiful Disaster, yo.

Aphrodite briefly mentions that it’s the time of year when the “veil between life and death is thinnest” and so the dead might walk the Earth. Zoey thinks, “Oh hm maybe this somehow connects to the ghost plot…oh look another distraction.”

I didn’t have time to wonder any more about it because Aphrodite raised her voice and shouted, “So what are we going to do?”
“Go out!” the Dark Daughters and Sons yelled back.
Aphrodite’s laugh was way too sexual to be appropriate, and I swear she touched herself. Right there in front of everyone. Jeesh, she was nasty.

The book has officially gone off the deep end. As the Casts realize their book is coming to a close, they clearly had to slut shame as much as possible even if it doesn’t make one iota of sense. Her laugh is too sexual? Next you’ll be telling me her sneeze was too sexual to be appropriate, Casts. And please define what touching herself actually means in this context.

"I don't know what that means"

Did Aphrodite start rubbing her vagina for no reason? Did she grab her vagina in a way that a dude might grab his dick to express something or other. Did she boob-graze herself? I DON’T KNOW.

They sneak out to go on some epic crazy adventure to…a museum.

“Okay, this isn’t just some rich guy’s house. This is a museum. There are twenty-four-hour security guards here.”
“Aphrodite will have drugged them.”

How? How would she have drugged them? Zoey doesn’t question the how, but she isn’t happy with the situation. Erik is all, “Don’t worry baby, it’s cool it’s cool.”

“Ssssh. It doesn’t hurt them. They’ll be groggy for a while and then go home and not remember anything. No big deal.”[Just some casual drugging of people, nothing to get worked up about.]
I didn’t reply, but I really didn’t like that he was so ‘whatever’ about drugging security guards. It just didn’t seem right, even though I could understand the need for it. We were trespassing. We didn’t want to get caught. So the guards needed to be drugged. I got it. I just didn’t like it

I’m in awe of how Zoey deftly combines morality with reason. She is truly going to make Nyx proud I’m sure. [Matthew says: I also want to point out that I have no idea whether the Casts want us to like Erik or not. Zoey keeps going back and forth between describing how great he is and describing how disappointing he is:

like everyone else, [Erik] was looking at Aphrodite. (Which was actually annoying – wasn’t he supposed to be sneaking looks at me, too?)

But then Zoey talks up Erik just as frequently too? On the one hand, I’m glad we’re not maybe supposed to not like him just because of Zoey/the Casts’ slut shaming anymore, but on the other hand I have no idea if he’s supposed to be a “good” guy or not. I realize that this is kind of inherently a stupid complaint because people are obviously more complicated than this, but come on, this is House of Night we’re talking about. People tend to pick a side.]

They go inside to partake in yet another fucking ritual/speech, but lo and behold the boring speech Aphrodite gives is interrupted.

“I greet you, ancestral spirits, and within the protection of my circle I—”
“Zo! I knew I’d find you if I tried hard enough!”
Heath’s voice sliced through the night, cutting off Aphrodite’s words.

Hahaha oh my God. This chapter has gone full circle. Starting just as hilariously as it began. Of course Heath would show up during this scene, but it also comes completely out of nowhere. It’s amazing.

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14 comments

  1. Madeline Reply

    A couple years ago my neighbor broke up with her boyfriend and one night he was on her lawn screaming shit like, “I love you, baby!” and stuff like that, so basically Heath reminds me of him.

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  2. Bellomy Reply

    Okay, I admit that I hadn’t liked Elliott—no one had. The kid was annoying and unattractive (and his ghost or whatever seemed to be carrying on those traits), but I was not glad he died.

    Truly a paragon of virtue.

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  3. scummy48 Reply

    Wow I’m so glad Zoey was able to explain why the guards needed to being drugged. I never would have understood that otherwise. Zoey, you are just too smart.

    I’m trying really hard to understand how a laugh can be sexual. I can’t figure it out. And maybe there was more in the actual text, but if Aphrodite just said that she thought the fledgings were weak and shouldnt have been vampires to begin with, that sounds a lot better then talking about how insignificant and unattractive and unlikable someone is and how little their death mattered. She’s literally just saying all the reasons she doesnt care Elliot died, and then making fun of him and how is ghost is still ugly, but she would never ACTUALLY make fun of or disrespect the dead. Do the casts even realize that they are doing this? Are we supposed to be cheering for Zoey and her kindness right there? I don’t understand.

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    • Madeline Reply

      I think the Casts equate sexual promiscuity with evilness so they slut shame the hell out of Aphrodite and do little else to indicated her as bad. As a result, they make a terrible heroine who says dumb insensitive shit (Zoey) look even worse than their villain. Fuck the Casts. This ain’t the Scarlet Letter, you shouldn’t shame people for their sexuality and sexualize for ridiculous things like laughter! Zoey sounds like one of those insane girls that are like, “I hate her. She’s just such a whore with the way she walks and smiles and does things NORMALLY.” It’s ridiculous girl-on-girl hate that happens too much in YA fiction today.

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  4. Manny Reply

    Can someone please give me 10 reasons why these House of the Night books have made success? Pretty please, as I don’t understand it…

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  5. E.H.Taylor Reply

    I think Zoey may actually be my least favorite character of all time. Not only can I not relate to her on any level, but her superiority complex and constant insisting that she’s morally better than everyone while simultaneously showing how shallow and unsympathetic she is to everyone around makes me so unbelievably angry and frustrated. I applaud you both for managing to get through this book as I know I would have likely burned it by this point.

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  6. Judy Reply

    “I hope Nyx takes a dump on your head, Zoey. Like a big giant pigeon goddess.” My thoughts exactly!

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  7. Kristin Reply

    I’m lying in bed with the flu and just read all 27 chapters of commentary (better late than never?). Has it been discussed why this is House of NIGHT and the wuver boy is Erik NIGHT? Do his parents own this school or something? Also has Zoey ever referred to Aphrodite as the Greek Goddess of Slutiness and then spelled out that isn’t it ironic her nemesis(?) is also named Aphrodite?

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  8. Shannon Reply

    So basically, Heath : House of Night :: Mick : Beautiful Disaster

    They both show up unexpectedly to a complete random place to harass the main character for a nonsensical stupid reason.

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  9. allex Reply

    I just like how the Casts are able to fuck up shushing someone. “Ssssh”? When I read this, I hissed in my head and then immediately thought of the end of Aladdin right when Jafar is about to turn into a snake and his tongue forks out.
    Way to ruin everything for me, Casts.

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  10. KayMia Reply

    I wish this book had been written from absolutely anyone’s perspective other than Zoey’s. I am very concerned about the Casts if Zoey’s inanity is any way reflective of their own. How do these people live with their own asinine thoughts.

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    • allex Reply

      I wish Kara narrated this book too. What if we just made a series of books narrated by the most sane, and most hated character is BBGT history?

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  11. Shreya Reply

    “I swear she touched herself. Right there in front of everyone. Jeesh, she was nasty.”
    This just sounded so so wrong to me. Why does Zoey even feel the NEED to tell us this? What dramatic connection does it have to the plot anyway??

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