Previously, Zoey had dinner with Neferet to talk about Zoey being a totally awesome leader to the Dark Daughters and Sons. Apparently one of Zoey’s major leadership decisions is that they’re going to volunteer for a cat charity.
“What charity will you choose to get involved with—providing they actually allow you to help them?”
“Oh, I think they’ll let us help them. I’ve decided to contact Street Cats—the cat rescue charity.” Neferet threw back her head and laughed.
Based on this information combined with what else we know about Neferet (she is totes evil and has the power of cat communication), I can conclude that she is fucking obsessed with Lol Cats and probably has taken a ton of those pictures of cat’s heads poking through a piece of bread.
I was already out of the dining hall and heading to the dorm when I realized that I hadn’t said anything to Neferet about the ghosts, but no way did I want to go back upstairs and start that subject.
Zoey, we get it, you never get around to telling anyone anything, you don’t have to keep reminding us. Although, thank you for reminding me about the ghost sub-sub-sub”plot” because I really had forgotten all about that. Was I supposed to remember? Given you forgot to mention fucking ghosts to Neferet, I’m guessing on a scale of importance from one to ten – one being what Miley Cyrus had for breakfast and a ten being global warming – the ghosts are about a 1.2, which is the equivalent of finding out that Miley Cyrus in fact had a burrito for lunch. My scale is very biased, but what can I say, I really love to hear about anyone and everyone having a burrito for lunch. It would be a 1.5 if she got it from Chipotle and then every topping she got was described in detail to me. It would be a 1.7 if it was a burrito bowl from Chipotle. [Matthew says: But seriously. Don’t keep reminding us about all the subplots you’re not actually doing anything with. It’s like repeatedly reminding someone you owe them money and haven’t paid them back yet. Haha, ok, I wrote that as a joke, but I immediately remembered I actually owe Ariel money. Sorry your business partner is a Zoey, Ariel!]
I wanted to go back to the dorm and tell Stevie Rae about the whole Loren thing and then do nothing but veg out and watch bad reruns on TV and try to forget (at least for one night) that I had a terrible premonition about Chris’s disappearance and that I was A Big Deal now and in charge of the most important student group at the school. Whatever. I just wanted to be me for a while
On a scale from one to ten representing Deals – one again being what Miley Cyrus had for breakfast and a ten being global warming – Zoey is definitely a 0.5, which is the equivalent of finding out that Megan Fox is in the new Ninja Turtles movie. “Big” is overselling your status a bit, Zo.
Zoey stops by her locker on the way back to her dorm, only to find a poem waiting for her there. Damn it, I hope Loren doesn’t actually show up. That’s supposed to be Matt’s mess to take care of! [Matthew says: Welcome to my “Well, Hell”.] Anyway, here’s the shitty haiku for your reading “pleasure.”
Ancient Queen awake
A chrysalis not yet formed
Will your wings unfold
Her wings should not fucking unfold for you, Loren. You and your creepy pedo metaphors need to go far far away from this book. [Matthew says: The “chrysalis” is his penis.]
“Yeah, at first I was sure it was perfectly innocent and I was imagining anything else. In the library we just talked about the ideas I had for the Dark Daughters. I didn’t think it meant anything. But, well, he touched my Mark.”
“Which one?” Stevie Rae asked. Her eyes were huge and round and she looked like she was going to explode.
“The one on my face. That time.”
Unfortunately, this isn’t a, “Where did the bad vampyre poet laureate touch you?” moment. Stevie Rae is like, “OHMYDEARSWEETLORD,” because Loren is just so sexy. [Matthew says: Ariel isn’t exaggerating. Stevie Rae literally says, “Ohmydearsweetlord” during Zoey’s story.] But was it actually flirting? Let’s get Stevie Rae’s expert opinion.
“I think we flirted.”
“We were laughing and smiling at each other.”
“Sounds like flirting to me.”
Well that settles that! I wasn’t sure if maybe we’d been imagining the inappropriate flirtation all along, but Stevie Rae nipped any of my doubts right in the bud. [Matthew says: Oh fuck, apparently I’ve flirted with literally everyone I’ve ever been friends with. I have a lot of apologies to make.]
Zoey recounts everything that happened in detail because apparently it wasn’t enough that we had to read this once. Now, I normally wouldn’t quote anything from this scene given it’s just exposition, but I have to show you this.
“Man, I would have peeled off my shirt faster than you can say Bubba loves trucks!”
This is in reference to Loren asking to see the mark on her shoulder/back. Um, wasn’t Zoey slut shaming herself for enjoying kissing Erik in the last book? If anyone dare suggest Zoey has changed at all in the past four days at vampyre school, I will cut you.
More importantly. Bubba loves trucks.
Bubba loves trucks?!
WHAT THE FUCK? Who is Bubba? What kind of teenager says this? Why does Bubba love trucks? Why would anyone be saying that quickly? What does truck-loving Bubba have to do with anything? WHAT IS GOING ON!
Zoey whines about how Loren didn’t kiss her even though he obviously wanted to (even though a second ago she wasn’t sure if they were even flirting.) [Matthew says: And how she already has a boyfriend and/or almost-boyfriend depending on what page it is.] Finally, someone points out the fact that she’s a student, and he’s a teacher.
“Zoey, you’re a student. He’s a teacher. This is a vamp school and a whole different world from life at a normal high school, but some things don’t change. Students are off-limits to teachers.”
Since when did Stevie Rae become the voice of reason? Yikes. [Matthew says: Stevie Rae became the voice of reason faster than you can say Bubba loves trucks.]
She also points out that Zoey is dating Erik, and Zoey is like, “Ohhh yeah. I think I like Erik more…but only if I can’t date Loren in secret.” [Matthew says: For those of you keeping score at home, secretly dating multiple partners = totally okay, whereas oral sex = SLUTTY SLUTTY SLUTFACE.]
Stevie Rae, once the voice of reason, reverts back to being just another moron in this book:
“This is ridiculous. He probably doesn’t even feel like that about me.” But even as I said the words I remembered the heat of his body and the desire in his dark eyes.
“What if he does, Z?” Stevie Rae was studying me carefully. “You know, you’re different than the rest of us. No one has ever been Marked like you before. No one has ever had an affinity for each of the five elements. Maybe the same rules don’t apply to you.”
Man, in the next student/teacher scandal I hear about, I hope someone uses that excuse. “Well, I’m the only student with the affinity for all five elements, so I thought the rules didn’t apply to me when I had an affair with my teacher. I don’t understand why this isn’t a legitimate defense! What are you not getting about my affinity with all FIVE elements! Have I failed to mention water? Water!” [Matthew says: I bet his penis has an affinity for all five elements if you know what I mean.]
Zoey continues to tell Stevie Rae about what happened in the previous chapters, and she tells her she feels like a storm is coming because of the missing kid, Loren, Neferet yelling at Aphrodite. I guess that’s the Casts’ way of trying to convince us they have a game plan, and we’re not just floating aimlessly at sea.
After meeting up with the rest of their friends to watch a movie [Matthew says: Damien got Moulin Rogue from Netflix. More shocking than the fact that someone in one of these books has actually heard of Netflix, GUYS WHEN DID WE LEARN THAT DAMIEN IS GAY I MUST HAVE MISSED THAT], Zoey winds up seeing a news report that another guy has gone missing. Why, it’s the cousin of the guy who went missing before! So Zoey runs outside, only to find Aphrodite having a vision on a bench. For some reason, she is really fucking mean to poor Aphrodite and is going to leave her alone when Aphrodite says this:
“You have to listen to me. If you don’t your grandma will die.”
Seriously! What the fuck kind of book introduces plot after plot after plot? It never feels like this is going to brilliantly tie everything together either. It just feels like the Casts threw darts at an idea board and didn’t know when to stop. Even Jamie McGuire wrote a more coherent story.