In case you wondered if Tommy Wiseau adding three separate Claudette subplots in the last scene that don’t actually have anything to do with the plot was going to be a regular kind of thing, the next scene begins with two characters we’ve never seen before sneaking into Johnny’s apartment.
We’re given no clues who these people are. Are they robbers?
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #1: How much time do we have?
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2: I dunno. A couple hours, at least.
Dang. Sounds like it could be robbers! Maybe their body language will provide some visual clues who these people are!
Okay, maybe not robbers? Also, spoons.
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #1 (aka Lady Who-The-Fuck-Is-This) pulls Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2 (aka Lance Bass?) over to the couch and announces that it is time to have some fun. #2 painstakingly opens a box of chocolates and delivers this line:
This doesn’t quite convey it though. Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2 is played by one of the worst actors in this movie. To his credit, he does seem to get more than his fair share of Tommy Wiseau’s more incomprehensible lines of dialogue, but he still manages to stumble through everything. Try reading that line yourself. Go ahead, make sure no one’s around first. Just see how it feels on the tongue. “Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?” You probably read it a lot like that, right? Well, this is more like how it’s actually delivered in the movie:
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2: Did you, uh, know… that… chocolate… is the symbol… of love?
…do you know that? You sound really uncertain, Lance Bass.
More uncomfortable than #2’s inability to deliver a line is what actually happens in this scene, where #1 and #2 start shoving chocolate into each others’ mouths. And then making out.
As you may have gathered from the previous three sex scenes, this goes on entirely longer than necessary.
It would be one thing if the reaction to this scene was “WE GET IT. THEY’RE SEXILY EATING CHOCOLATE.”, but regardless of your thoughts on food-in-foreplay, this scene… doesn’t really capture it.
And let us not forget the sexy sex noises.
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #1: YUM.
Who-The-Fuck-Is-This #2: (mouth full of food) It’s delicious!
Yes. Lady Who-The-Fuck-Is-This loudly moans, “Yum”, as Lance Bass eats the chocolate off of her chest, in much the same way that people in real porn exaggeratedly say obviously fake things.
#1 pushes the now-shirtless #2 back onto the couch, says “Chocolate is a symbol of love” (You don’t have to pretend, #1. Even Lance Bass knew it didn’t sound convincing.), puts chocolate into his mouth and makes out with him (again), and then BAM. BLOW JOB SCENE.
So how ridiculous does this scene seem so far? Like on a scale from 1-10? Hopefully you didn’t jump the gun and say “TEN. IT’S A GODDAMN TEN.” already, because OH MY GOD THESE BLOW JOB FACES.
Naturally, he goes through this entire range of faces before the blow job even starts. Or he came in the four seconds where Michelle’s head moved off screen. Who the fuck are these people? Why are they hooking up in Johnny’s apartment? Why are we supposed to care? After a quick shot of San Francisco (in case you forgot this movie takes place in San Francisco), Lisa and Claudette come back. Finally! Time for some answers!
Lisa laughs at the awkward situation, whereas Claudette says what might be the single most unintentionally appropriate line in the movie:
Claudette: What are these characters doing here?
Lisa explains that these are her friends Michelle and Mike (oh, now we get to know), who come to the apartment to do their “homework” (…now we know?), to which Claudette disdainfully responds, “What homework?” Lisa might be totally okay with her friends breaking into her apartment and banging there, but Claudette doesn’t take any such crap. Lisa introduces Mike and Michelle to her mother, and Mike extends his arm. After awkwardly stumbling through his very difficult line (“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”), Claudette rolls her eyes and goes “Hmph.”
After Mike and Michelle awkwardly leave, Claudette goes over to the couch and reminds us that she is a woman:
Claudette: All that shopping wore me out!
Suddenly Denny shows up.
Lisa introduces Claudette to Denny. Claudette continues to be too old for this shit.
Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!
Denny shrugs and says he just needs to borrow some sugar. Lisa tells him he can have some. Denny then says he needs a cup of flour and half a stick of butter. Dude, Denny, at this point, you clearly just need to go to a grocery store. Thankfully, Claudette continues to criticize the film’s shortcomings for some reason.
Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?
Man, Claudette isn’t taking any shit from Denny, Mike, Michelle, her brother, her ex-husband, or breast cancer. Claudette is a boss, you guys.
Denny says he’ll just come back later and leaves. Why doesn’t he just go to a grocery store then? Clearly he’s in no rush and this isn’t a “oh shit, I already started cooking and I forgot to see if I have sugar, flour, and half a stick of butter first” situation. Why come back to keep mooching?
After Denny leaves, Claudette asks Lisa what Denny does. Oh my god! Claudette is really calling this movie out on not making any sense! It’s kind of ironic since she introduced three immediately-abandoned subplots in a single minute in the last scene, but whatevs we might finally understand the mystery of Denny.
Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny.
…Isn’t Denny, like, thirty? Fuck. There goes Denny making sense.
Lisa: It’s really tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents.
Except isn’t Denny, like, thirty? (And no, not a typo. Lisa actually says “It’s really tragedy”.)
Lisa: When Denny turned eighteen-
How fucking old is Denny?
Lisa: -Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny, even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, Mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life.
…so that’s why Lisa is falsely accusing Johnny of domestic abuse and cheating on him with his best friend? Hasn’t Claudette been telling Lisa this? Hasn’t Lisa been telling Claudette that Johnny “is not the man you think he is”? Did Tommy Wiseau just forget what Lisa’s character motivation is because he needed someone to praise his character in this scene?
Before we worry about this contradiction too much further, Mike runs back into the room to grab his “book”. Claudette immediately sees through Mike’s ruse as he tries to sneakily grab his boxers that he only just realized he left behind somehow, grabbing them out of his hands and holding them up to ask, “What’s this?”
Mike grabs it back and runs away while Lisa and Claudette laugh their asses off. Claudette says she has to go home (although she’s been there for… two minutes?), taps Lisa on the nose, says bye-bye, and then gets up to leave as, um, a dramatic minor key piano chord plays. Lisa flops back onto the couch, looks around the room, and grumbles, “Oh my God.” Apparently something dramatic happened in this scene.