The Epic Love Story of Heath and Zoey (JKLOL): Betrayed Chapter 12

"Jonah Hill motions to stop"

Seriously, I don’t know why I can never remember what happened in Betrayed last week. I must be disassociating while I write these posts or something. Anyway, Zoey was interrogated by Lame Cop 1 and Lame Cop 2 because she is suspected of MURDER kind of. But then Zoey’s all like totally whatever because she goes to American Eagle and Starbucks, and then Heath shows up at the end of the chapter. Omg twist. [Matthew says: I’m honestly curious how many people are reading this post wondering who Heath is.]

Chapter 12

Heath is apparently putting up some sort of poster. I wonder if he’s missing a plot puppy of his very own? [Matthew says: Don’t be stupid, Ariel. Travis and Abby would never put effort into finding plot puppy if he went missing.]

I could see his face clearly and it surprised me how handsome he looked.

I used to hate how much this book slut-shamed, but now I kind of wish Zoey would chill the fuck out. We have enough to deal with as it is, what with Loren and Erik. We don’t need this scrub in the mix too. I would prefer if we got Loren out of the mix and kept Heath, but beggars can’t be choosers, ya know? [Matthew says: Also, total 180 from “Heath was a stupid moron!” to “I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU” in five… four…]

Heath approaches Zoey both cautiously and stupidly:

“Shit!” The word left his mouth in a rush of air. “You’re really here!”
I frowned at him. He’d never been exactly brilliant, but even for him this sounded pretty dumb. “Of course I’m here. What did you think I was, a ghost?” (A ZOMBIE ghost?)
He dropped into the chair across from me as if his legs wouldn’t hold him anymore. “Yes. No. I dunno. It’s just that I see you a lot and you’re never really there. I thought this was just another one of those times.”

Oh, Heath, it’s always painfully awkward when you get your wet dreams and real life mixed up. [Matthew says: More importantly, can we talk about how the novel totally sweeps “Heath has actual hallucinations” under the rug?]

Like all other vampyre fiction, Zoey smells Heath and gets a massive vampyre!boner, and his scent makes her think of, “heat and moonlight and sexy dreams,” which is just the Casts way of throwing together words that they think are titillating in order to make this scene more exciting than it is.

Jonah Hill very clearly speaks for all of us when he motions for the Casts to cut it out. (thank you http://www.reactiongifs.com)

Heath tries to convince Zoey that he’s changed (he doesn’t drink or smoke anymore! Making him a decidedly Good and Worthwhile Person in the House of Night universe) [Matthew says: Why, he might even meet Mama Cast’s approval and be an eligible suitor for Kristin Cast now!], while Zoey tries to convince him he only wants her so badly because he imprinted on her. I try to convince myself that there’s a chance this conversation will end in the next paragraph.

Zoey tries to reason with Heath about their future:

“Will you also be cool with me outliving you by several hundred years?”
Dorklike, he wagged his eyebrows at me. “I can think of worse things than having a hot, young vampyre chick when I’m, like, fifty.”

Zoey brings up Kayla to try to remind Heath not-so-subtly about his cheatin’ ways. Heath reveals that Kayla believes vampyres are behind the disappearance/murders of the two boys.

“She thinks I had something to do with Chris.”
He moved his shoulders restlessly. “Not you, or at least she doesn’t say you. She thinks it’s vampyres, though, but so do a lot of people.”
“Do you?” I asked softly.
His eyes shot back to mine. “No way! But something bad’s happening. Someone’s kidnapping football players.

Woah – sorry to interrupt you there, Heath, but someone’s kidnapping football players! My god. They’re targeting the most coveted social group known to man. It’s something bigger than us, any of us. They’re not just going after teen football players. No. This is just the beginning. Soon famous football players who are probably also vampyres will start going missing, and then the real plan will go into motion. The plan to stop The Super Bowl. You guys, this plot is so much more intricate than we ever could have dreamed!

Sorry, Heath, continue.

“That’s why I was here today. I’m taping up flyers with Brad’s picture on them. Maybe someone will remember him being dragged away or something.”

OMG. Thanks to Heath’s flyer I now remember seeing a boy getting dragged into the woods! Holy mother fucking shit balls. I never would have recalled this seemingly insignificant event had this young hero not put up this flyer!

Seriously, that is the lamest plan that has been in this book yet, and Zoey is usually the one making up a new stupid plan every chapter. Remember the bomb threat plan she and her crew came up with last chapter? They should have just called Chris Christie because shutting bridges down is his jam. #Bridgegate #Still_Relevant? #hashtags.

Zoey realizes she has to get to school [Matthew says: Because she has to make the phone call for the fake bomb threat. Seriously. She didn’t take the phone with her. Her plan was to have to race back to school and make the call there. I’m not 100% certain how tracking where cellular calls occur actually works, but given how careful they’re being anyway, why wouldn’t she make the call out when she’s out in public, rather than when she’s at Vampyre School, where there would be significantly fewer suspects?] and also that this is probably the last time she’ll see Heath again (yeah, right). He walks her to her car and tells her he needs to show her something.

I had jokingly thought to myself that he was going to pull a knife on Zoey, and I was sort of right. He does show her a knife, but it’s because he wants her to drink his blood again. Zoey refuses because that’s not the kind of vampyre she is, damn it!

But then Heath cuts his neck a bit and Zoey can’t resist… [Matthew says: Joke about Zoey’s slut shaming and then “not being able to resist” goes here.]

BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW OMG THE CHAPTER CAN’T END HERE!!!! Lol, you totally believed me there for a second. Little did you know that I give no fucks!

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4 comments

  1. Taylor Reply

    If vamps live for several hundred years…and Shakespeare was a vamp…could he still be alive in this universe? If so, I choose to believe modern Billy Shakes would still be churning out rom-coms starring whatever strapping young thespians the Casts think are still relevant.
    On a funnier note: it’s mentioned at some point in this series that Jessica Alba is a vamp. So…thoughts on a basically immortal Jessica Alba? FANTASTIC FOUR FOREVER?????

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  2. E.H.Taylor Reply

    I think a plot to end the Super Bowl would be more interesting than whatever is currently going on. At least we would know that there actually *was* a plot.

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  3. Madeline Reply

    Funny how Zoey slut-shames everyone around her (including her former best friend just for liking a guy Zoey wasn’t even interested in, at the time at least) but has no self-awareness for her flirting with two other guys while her “boyfriend” is out of town.

    Also:

    http://screenrant.com/how-i-met-your-dad-spinoff-ordered/

    I’ll just leave this here.

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  4. Kristin Reply

    OK, I’ve figured it out. Daughter Cast asked a football player to prom or some such thing and was turned down with a snicker. Because of the utter humiliation she experienced, Mommy Cast wrote a book where football players are targeted in a “I’ll show you!” retaliation. Amiright????

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