When we last left our heroes, Eva was about to head off to the big music video premier of “Golden.” If you don’t remember, “Golden” is a song Eva’s rockstar ex-boyfriend Brett wrote about her amazing blowjobs. Matt really brought this song to life with his cover of it:
[Matthew says: Now we can all relive this moment when I couldn’t bring myself to commit to a Chad Kroeger impression.]
Brett has just leaned forward to kiss Eva, and she turns away at the last second. Of course, Gideon is standing two feet away, so as soon as she gets into the fancy limo she texts him that she loves him. This is not the only time this is going to happen in chapter 16 because everyone knows the best way to reassure your boyfriend of your devotion is to just keep texting him that you love him. Not to, you know, not make these fucking plans with your ex for no reason.
There is an alarming amount of idle chitchat about the other members of the band. Jesus Christ, Day, I barely care enough about your main characters, don’t try to sell me on your minor characters twice removed. [Matthew says: People don’t care about the bass guitarist and drummer even in real life.]
It’s also time for Eva to start wondering about marrying Gideon without ever actually being specific about this.
A relationship with Brett would be entirely different from what I had with Gideon. I’d have had a lot of time on my own while he was on tour. I could do all the things I thought I should do before settling down—living by my own means and spending time unattached with friends and by myself. Kind of the best of both worlds: having a boyfriend but enjoying plenty of individuality.
But although I was worried about jumping from college into a lifetime commitment, I had no doubts that Gideon was the man I wanted. We were just out of sync with our timing—I thought there was no reason to rush, while he thought there was no reason to wait.
Why is the whole marriage issue only ever spoken about as though it’s Voldemort? SHHH DON’T SPEAK ITS NAME! Also, note how Eva makes the relationship with Brett sound really great and then doesn’t do anything to disabuse the notion that he would be better suited for her. “My relationship with Brett would be different and even more incredible than my relationship with Gideon…but Gideon and I are so out of sync about committing to each other for a lifetime, so I’ll stay with him.” Not with the sense making. [Matthew says: Also, can we talk about how young all the characters in these books are? She was in college how long ago?]
At Times Square, it’s time for some drama! And puns!
First, Cary starts baiting Eva, asking why she won’t just find out if sex with Brett is still any good:
I shot him a look. “Chemistry is chemistry. And I’m sure he’s had plenty of chances to bone up on his already fabulous skills.”
“Bone up, ha! That’s punny.” He waggled his brows at me. “You seem solid.”
Come work at BBGT, Eva. You’d fit right in! [Matthew says: Although there would be some mandatory relationship counseling.]
Then Gideon and Ireland (his little sister) come over to talk to Eva. Gideon makes a point of showing that he’s trying to win Eva back, [Matthew says: Which, casual reminder, he already has. WHAT A WACKY SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES.] which ticks off his brother Christopher. If you’re wondering why, well there’s a perfectly
reasonable stupid explanation for this. See guys, Christopher owns Vidal Records and has a personal stake in Six-Ninths’ success.
“The fact that ‘Golden’ is a true story, and that Brett and Eva are here together, is a great marketing angle for Vidal and the band.”
Whoever the head of marketing at Vidal Records is should be fired immediately. “Stop the press, you guys! This song about great blow jobs is about real blow jobs that the lead singer used to get? Holy shit, every woman in America, nay, the world is going to want to hear this!
Wanting to make Gideon look bad, Christopher reveals that Gideon was with Corinne last night. Gideon is really starting to piss me off with this Corinne drama. He’s already told Eva he’s cutting her off completely and not indulging her anymore. There’s also absolutely no question whatsoever that anything is going to happen between the two of them. Shit or get off the married pot, Gideon. [Matthew says: Gideon and Corinne are secretly seeing each other… Brett’s chasing Eva… are we reading the second book again?]
Gideon caught up with me after only two steps, gripping me by the elbow and whispering in my ear. “She’s calling my phone and work all the time. I had to talk with her.”
“You should’ve told me.”
To put it simply, no you didn’t, Gideon, and yes he should have, Eva. Gideon uses the same line he does every time, “Oh yeah, but we had other things to talk about, and I couldn’t possibly make our already disjointed conversations about nothing even more disjointed and confusing! Think of the readers, Eva!”
Brett apparently sees the exchange between Gideon and Eva and feels threatened.
“He wants you back,” he said bluntly.
I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“If you’re going to give him a second chance, I should get one, too.”
I’m sorry, Brett, but that is not how relationships work (Nice Guys, take note too). You can’t just use this sort of logic in the dating world. Imagine if some asshole came over to you and was like, “Well, you went on one date with him, so I should get a date too!”
Brett tries to convince Eva that the logistics of the relationship could be totally workable, not at all addressing whether or not she might not want to be with him because she doesn’t actually want to be. No, No, the only plausible explanation is those damn logistics.
Realizing that maybe he hasn’t addressed the most important aspect of their potential relationship, Brett drives his argument home:
“It’s only going to take once,” he murmured in my ear, his voice sinful as always. “One time inside you and you’ll remember how it is between us.”
Checkmate. Who knows how Eva could turn that kind of offer down? Oh wait, I remember, it’s because this guy has platinum tips in his hair. That makes it really easy to say no. End scene.
Next, Eva is talking to Ireland about Ireland’s new boyfriend who has to keep their relationship a secret because his grandparents got screwed out of money by Gideon’s dad. They’re very suspicious of how much money Gideon currently has himself. This all sounds so interesting that Day should write a whole nother book just focusing on this crazy plot. [Matthew says: Don’t encourage her, Ariel.]
Eva is outraged on Gideon and Ireland’s behalf.
I turned back to Ireland. “Tell Rick’s parents to look up the Crossroads Foundation.”
Their first thought would probably be, “Did Gideon create a charity for people suffering from watching Britney Spear’s Crossroads? This guy is a hero, we take it all back! He is clearly a saint!” [Matthew says: Their second thought would be, “Wow, this website has terrible search engine optimization.”]
Finally, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The premier of “Golden”!
Here lies the longest quote of all time from this book. But you need to fucking read this:
The camera slowly backed away from Brett, revealing a dance floor in front of the stage where he sang. There was a crowd dancing, but they were cast in black and white while a lone blonde was strikingly colored.
I stilled as shock spread through me. The camera was careful to film only her backside and profile, but the girl was undeniably meant to be me. She was my height, with the same hair color and style as mine before I’d recently cut it. She had my curvy butt and hips, and her profile was similar enough to mine to understand immediately who she was meant to be.
The next three minutes of my life passed in a horrified daze. “Golden” was a sexually charged song and the actress did all the things Brett sang about—dropping to her knees for a Brett lookalike, making out with him in a bar restroom, and straddling his lap in the back of a classic ’67 Mustang just like the one Brett owned. Those intimate memories were intercut with shots of the real Brett still singing onstage with the rest of the guys in the band.
The fact that actors were playing us helped me deal with it a little better, but one glance at Gideon’s stony face told me it didn’t matter to him. He was seeing one of the wildest times in my life relived before his eyes and it was very real to him.
The video ended with a shot of Brett looking soulful and tormented, a single tear sliding down his cheek.
I am not exaggerating when I say I was howling with laughter when I read that last line. This would be like if “Candyshop” ended with a tear slowly sliding down 50 Cent’s cheek. “I’ll take you to the candy shop. I’ll let you lick the lollipop. *tear slides down cheek*”
“How do you feel about ‘Golden’?”
I licked my dry lips. “It’s an amazing song by an amazing band.”
“About an amazing love story.” The host smiled into the camera and rambled on, but I tuned him out, my gaze searching for Gideon. I couldn’t spot him anywhere.
Why is everyone acting like this song is incredibly romantic and amazing? This would be like if “Blurred Lines” was known as the greatest love story of our time. [Matthew says: Which is really funny, because if you’ve heard anything about his newest album, Paula, Robin Thicke totally thought it was.]
Gideon leaves before Eva can get to him, so of course she quickly texts him that she loves him. Nothing soothes some good old fashioned man pain like a text! [Matthew says: Come on, Eva! Even in a realationship as tacky as yours, a scenario like this at least calls for a sad Snapchat.]
Brett and Eva head off to dinner, which I can assure you, is incredibly awkward (omg I read head, sue me.)
What do you guys think of the “Golden” music video? Is it dumb? Stupid? Ridiculous? Please share all of the thoughts.