Reviews of Movies and TV Based Entirely On Their Posters

My daily commute to work is about 45 minutes of the New York subway, which means that I see a lot of posters advertizing things I have zero interest in, but unfortunately have to see all the time. So I spend time thinking about these things that I otherwise never would. Here are a few reviews of a few upcoming movies and tv shows, based entirely on the posters I’ve seen for them on the MTA.

Get Hard

get hard poster

I’m pretty sure I experienced this entire movie based on this poster alone:

  1. A successful but arrogant man is successful, but arrogant
  2. Despite his confidence otherwise, he gets convicted for some white collar crime and is going to jail!
  3. He worries about going to jail. This contains somewhere between one to seven minutes of jokes about getting butt raped.
  4. He (somehow) finds a man who will teach him how to get by in prison without much trouble. This will contain somewhere between one to seven hours of racist jokes.
  5. Through his struggles, he learns how to be a better person. But his dialogue is still mostly written as though he’s an arrogant asshole. Nobody notices.
  6. You will leave the theater, overhearing a group of college students talking about Anchorman.

Insurgent

The movie will be as slick-looking as this poster, but provide just as much explanation for why.

The Royals

the royals

Like most American media adaptations of British culture, it will probably not explain why her arm looks like it’s being eaten by ladybugs.

Salem

salem poster

They didn’t have anything more to add to this poster than three nouns, so I probably have nothing to add either.

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  1. 22aer22 Reply

    Have you noticed that they’ve dropped the “choices” angle for the Insurgent film and instead chosen to just focus on how absurd it is? Defy reality, indeed.

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