I spent a lot of time on Amazon looking through DS games – because I still don’t have a 3DS – the other day, and now when I visit BBGT’s homepage I keep getting ads for those games. It’s working on me. I can slowly feel myself becoming more and more prone to just adding a few of these games to my cart. For now I’m distracting myself with this week’s recap of our beloved books!
Left Behind
I feel like I could essentially just copy/paste Matt’s summary from last week, and no one would be the wiser. Things progressed in the plot a little as Rayford’s daughter Chloe shows up, and Buck has to fake his death.
- Chloe and Rayford argue a bit over whether or not the Rapture is happening, which is probably somewhat realistic but not that interesting for us to read given we are 100% sure the Rapture is happening.
- Ray convinces Chloe to go with him to the super intense church his wife belonged to. They want answers! And the pastor left a video behind for everyone who was left behind to watch.
- Buck finds out his contact and good friend in London has died. Though his death has been ruled a suicide, he was clearly killed for Reasons.
- Buck meets with someone he knows in the Scotland Yard, and this guy is immediately assassinated.
- Luckily Buck has a spare passport for some reason, so he uses his real passport to fake his death and throw the killers off his scent.
House of Night
Zoey and Aphrodite confirm that Aphrodite wrote the poem from her vision in Zoey’s grandmother’s handwriting. They contact Grandma, and shit starts to get real. Grandma explains what the poem means/what the new plot of the book is.
- Sexy angels used to have sex with humans. Aphrodite agrees that this checks out because people will bone anyone that is sexy.
- According to Matthew, Tsi Sgili are “evil witches, outcasts from their former tribes, gain their powers from fear, pain, and death, and are psychic.” OBVS THIS IS NEFERET.
- Kalona loves women so much it makes him hate them. He is the sexiest (fallen) angel of all. For some reason he has gross children that are part raven (THE RAVEN MOCKERS).
- Zoey immediately realizes that the Raven Mockers are the ravens that have been mocking her at night.
- A bunch of priestesses band together to trick Kalona into chasing a woman underground. If Kalona was a Pokemon, his weakness would be earth. So the priestesses made this woman from the earth, and as soon as Kalona starting having sex with her underground…she trapped him there by the dick.
- It’s heavily implied that Zoey is gonna have to save the day at some point.
Uh oh. Be careful, Ariel! Your DS game story is exactly how I wound up telling myself it wouldn’t be that ridiculous to buy stupid expensive headphones.
Incidentally, I just bought stupid expensive headphones.
WE ARE SO EASY TO REMARKET TO!!!!
What does it say about Left Behind that I didn’t even remember Buck faked his own death? Like, when did that happen? I mean, I’m not curious enough (read: too lazy) to click the link and subject myself to more Left Behind this week. But still. So sad.
If Kalona was a Pokemon, his weakness would be earth.
That’s an intriguing statement to make. There’s no pure earth type in Pokémon, so let’s assume Kalona would be weak against Ground–obvious reasons are obvious. Ground is offensively ineffective against Flying and defensively weak against Water, Ice, and Grass. Just because water often gets seen as a “feminine” element, let’s say for ironic purposes that oh-so-masculine Kalona is a Flying/Water Pokémon. But which one?
Gyarados
Why: Flying/Water type.
Why not: Too popular. (Seriously, I swear there was a point in time where it seemed nearly everyone and their mother was a fan of Gyarados for “being awesome”.) Also too masculine-looking compared to some of the other options to follow.
Mantine
Why: Flying/Water type. Also MANTA RAYS. They float like eagles underwater! I think.
Why not: Are manta rays funny? Even ones with remora-like Pokémon attached to their fins?
Wingull
Why: Flying/Water type. Will additionally shout MINE MINE MINE at all and sundry like the obsessive birdbrain Kalona is. Will shit on your car and eat your garbage. I also read somewhere a long time ago that Aphrodite (or Venus, can’t remember who) was associated with seagulls, but I can’t confirm this.
Why not: Why not?
Pelipper
Why: Flying/Water…yadda yadda yadda. And that giant beak is hilariously awkward. Seriously, that’s as far from graceful and elegant as you can get.
Why not: YES. GIANT BEAKS FTW. Who wouldn’t want a ginormous beak that takes up almost half their body? If Kalona’s offspring (yecch) can have the bodies of ravens and the eyes and limbs of humyns, why not give Kalona a giant beak for a body? LET’S DO THIS, GUYS. (Also because Wingull evolves into Pelipper.)
Mantyke
Why: Flying…you get the drill. It’s the baby version of Mantine.
Why not: Again, do people even laugh at manta rays?
Ducklett
Why: Don’t need to repeat it. An actual ugly duckling, or as close as we’ll ever get in the Pokéverse.
Why not: It’s a bird. That turns into a more attractive bird. As opposed to an aggressive flying shit factory that turns into a giant beak. No thanks.
Swanna
Why: It’s the evolved form of Ducklett.
Why not: It’s the evolved form of Ducklett.
Pingback: Zoey and Friends Begin Their Close Reading of the Prophecy From Aphrodite’s Vision: Untamed Chapter 23 | Bad Books, Good Times