Sweet Valley Confidential Chapter 14, Part 2: Grandma’s Worst Birthday

Sweet Valley Confidential: Chapter 14

Picking up where we left off in the first half of the chapter, everyone is now seated for what is certain to be a horrendously awkward birthday dinner for grandma. Pascal’s writing, as always, demonstrates what a fine line there is between clever and dumb.

It was a small dinner party, and the only way not to see each other was by purposely not looking. There was a lot of purposely not looking going on.

Grandma is still thrilled by Elizabeth’s surprise appearance, and asks her what she’s been up to during the last eight months.

“I’m sorry, Grandmommy, but I had to get away. Had to get started on my life, and I think I did.”
“Liam?”

There’s no way to read this as not saucy, right? It’s only a little if it is, but I love the idea that fuckin’ grandma here is super pumped that her granddaughter might be getting some.

Elizabeth clarifies that Liam is just a friend, and the book actually rather delightfully goes around the table with everyone’s gut reactions: Jessica and Todd immediately panic that maybe Elizabeth hasn’t moved on (because the only way to move on, in what I presume would be their grandma’s words, would be to get laid), and Bruce is hyped that Elizabeth is single after all. Hyped.

From across the table Bruce inhaled the information and suddenly the dinner was beautiful.

This is like the Slaughterhouse Five of soapy teen dramas all of a sudden!

Liam explains that Elizabth is “the star writer” of the “new, but it’s catching on” off-Broadway publication, doing a piece on a new playwright. You already know all about this; we don’t have to pretend that this is interesting like Elizabeth’s family does. Instead, we get some new gossip about all the minor characters from Sweet Valleys past.

“What about Enid? How’s she?”
This time it was Bruce who answered. “Dr. Rollins, the eminent Aesculapian, is having a secret affair with A. J. Morgan.”
“No way!”

I don’t even have to google “aesculapian” to know that nobody fucking talks this way.

Mr. Wakefield isn’t certain if this gossip is appropriate. I’m not certain if this book really understands what a joke is.

“Oh, Daddy,” Jessica said. “Gossip is the best part of Sweet Valley. If we don’t dish, what are we going to talk about? Our opera company?”
“Sweet Valley has an opera company?” Elizabeth was truly surprised […]
“Right, Don Giovanni does the mall.”
And everyone, including Elizabeth, laughed.

…why?

“Besides, Daddy, we have to entertain her. She’s our guest, right?”
Elizabeth bristled. A guest?

Oh, you done fucked up now, Jessica!

“If you don’t mind, I am not exactly a guest in my own family. In case you forgot, it is my family, too.”

One thing I truly enjoy about Sweet Valley is how Elizabeth and Jessica’s personalities and altercation styles rub against each other. This series has always shined when it played up the twins’ differences, as opposed to when it desperately grasps at straws to play up some debatably credulous similarities. For instance:

My God, she thought, She had her hair cut exactly like mine. How is that possible? She couldn’t have known.

Elizabeth also feels some frustration with Liam, who appears to be openly hitting on Jessica in front of Todd. She rationalizes it to herself, “why should she care if Liam acted like an ass? Only because she didn’t want to be any part of it. It had nothing to do with her plan.” Because her guest hitting on her sister to strain her relationship with her fiance is another thing entirely from her plan to invite a guest who will strain her sister’s relationship with her fiance.

Admittedly, she didn’t know [Liam] very well, but he did seem a bit out of line, glued as he was to Jessica’s side.

You know what would be great? If it turns out that Liam’s just acting like this to help out Elizabeth, because he’s… you know… an actor. And because the only rationale we have for the scene as it is is “Liam is friends with Elizabeth, but immediately falls head over heels for her identical twin sister at first sight for some reason. Please don’t think about it too hard.” Which I kind of feel has a little less going for it.

At one point, the group spreads out to watch a fireworks display, and Jessica and Liam mysteriously wander off! When they come back, Todd is visibly irritated, and he and Jessica begin to quarrel.

Also, the birthday cake is held up and Mr. Wakefield goes to the kitchen to see what’s up. Everyone gets a little subplot in this book.

“What’s your problem?” Jessica whispered to the sour-faced Todd. Everyone listened for his answer. Also whispered.
“Guess.”
Elizabeth never meant to smile. In fact, she didn’t even know she was doing it.
But Jessica did.
“You think something’s funny?” She shot at her sister.
Elizabeth thought for a second and then said, “Well, yeah.”

Remember what I was saying earlier about how one of the genuine delights in this book is seeing the twins’ totally different confrontation styles?

“Did you see that, Mom?” Jessica turned

Man, I do not envy their mom. What’s she supposed to say? “Well, dear, you did steal her fiance from her. Also you’re in your twenties. Please get your shit together.”

Todd was losing his cool. “Well, I don’t appreciate-”
“Who cares what you appreciate?” Jessica had already lost hers.

Again, the book has never really explained why Todd has suddenly discovered Jessica is his soulmate instead of Elizabeth, which I feel is important to remember in moments like this.

Steven tries to break up the fight, but ends up fighting with Jessica, who then also ends up fighting with his new boyfriend, Aaron. Meanwhile, Grandma is having the worst birthday ever.

Everyone except the birthday girl, Grandmother Marjorie, whose sensible voice was lost in the shouting, was standing.

Grandma’s birthday party becomes the moment where Elizabeth finally unloads all of her hatred on Jessica and Todd. I know we were joking earlier about Grandma being super chill about her granddaughter’s sex life, but presumably this is actually somewhat of a shock that her granddaughters are using her birthday party to fight about this:

“I think you’re horrible to come back here and ruin Grandmommy’s birthday!” Jessica said, looking straight at Elizabeth.
“Me! Who are you to talk about ruining anything? You betrayer! You liar! You horrible thief! […] And you! All that time pretending to be so honorable. You’re worse than she is. You’re nothing but a miserable bastard, you…” There was nothing left to bubble underneath. “…shithead!”

Poor grandma.

Alice Wakefield threw down her napkin and louder than anyone, in a voice few had ever heard, stunned them all into silence.
“Ned!” She shouted. “Bring out the fucking cake!”

This is hands down my favorite line in this entire book.