Calendar Girl (January) Chapter 3: Mia Meets Wes’ Parents

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Calendar Girl Chapter 3:

Mia gets acclimated to her luxurious new job:

The pool was heated and refreshing. I used the time I had to work on my tan and get some exercise by way of laps in the pool. Weston, or “Wes” as he likes to be called, had not made an appearance. I imagined him behind one of the many closed doors I passed on my way to the patio.

Given we aren’t provided with more detail about what exactly she’s imagining Wes doing, I am left to assume she’s picturing him robotically standing behind the door. “Oh, maybe he’s standing by this door! Or this one! There’s another door, so maybe he’s standing behind this one instead!”

Mia then meets the kindly Ms. Croft, the obligatory British house-keeper/cook/planner-of-all-things-of-chez-Wes.

‘Mary Poppins’ smiled and held out her small hand. “Ms. Croft. I keep the house in order, provide Mr. Channing with his meals, tidy up, and the lot.” I nodded and wrung the excess water out of my hair and pulled it up into a ponytail. “I wanted to bring you a little nosh, introduce myself, and let you know that if you need anything, you can buzz me by pressing the Aid button on the mounted intercom in each room.” She pointed to the panel of buttons on the wall outside. “I’ll be sure to provide you with a daily schedule of yours and Mr. Channing’s activities so you are prepared. How about I push it under your door in the mornings?”

I shrugged. Like her, I was a hired hand, only I was meant to look pretty and scare off rich girls. We all had our crosses to bear. “Whatever works. I’m easy.”

I actually like that Mia acknowledged the awkwardness of this situation given they’re both employed by Wes.
Ms. Croft looked me up and down and then tilted her head. A smirk adorned her thin lips. “I’m getting the feeling you’re anything but easy, poppet,” she winked. “This should be interesting,” she said vaguely before she turned on her heel and re-entered the house.
How is she getting that feeling from Mia literally just introducing herself and then shrugging her shoulders? Why does she think this is going to be interesting? She must be one of those all-knowing, kindly British house-keepers that are so difficult to find. Mary Poppins indeed!
Mia is like, “Lol, what?” and then muses happily about how easy this job is and how she definitely won’t fall in love with her sexy employer. It’s refreshing to see such an realistic portrayal of the life of a first-time call-girl.
That night, Wes and Mia flirt as they prepare to attend their first outing together.
“Christ, you smell like sunshine and a cool breeze in the summer,” he said dragging his lips along my chin. Shivers of excitement ran through me from the roots of my curled hair to the soles of my feet. “And you look beyond beautiful.”
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Matt and I should start a line of Bad Books, Good Times perfumes where we just make scents of all the weird and impossible things people smell like in these books. I feel like at least once per book, without a hint of irony, a characters says something like, “You smell like a rainbow dancing under the moonlight outside of a McDonalds with Burger King-made fries.”
Once they’re ready to leave, Ms. Croft sees them off for some reason, and Wes tells her she made a great call with Mia’s dress. The revelation that Ms. Croft has picked out Mia’s clothes seems like it’s supposed to be significant, but I honestly cannot think of why we’re supposed to care about this fact.
After more flirting in the limo, they arrive at a fancy mansion for an important Hollywood party. I hope Mia has the fortitude to scare off cliche flocks of gold-diggers at this party tonight. I’m waiting with baited breath to see how she handles it.

“What do you do anyway?” I whispered as he led me to the bar. I realized when we walked in that I had very little information about what I was to do, besides keep the Hollywood harlots at bay.

“I write scripts,” he said casually as we waited for the bartender to approach us. It seemed odd to have a full length bar in someone’s house, but the room was huge, the size of a ballroom, so maybe it wasn’t so strange. Chandeliers dotted the ceiling and a wall of windows led out into an open view of the ocean just like at Wes’s house, only on a much grander scale. This person was über rich. Unlike Wes, who was just beaucoup rich.

He handed me another glass of champagne. “Like for plays?

” I asked while scanning the area. Instantly, I spotted a pack of girls dolled up and ready to strike in the corner. They were focused on Wes, and had lusty dollar signs in their eyes.
Why is Mia’s first thought that he writes plays? I guess it’s supposed to be a set-up for her to be shocked when she realizes he’s responsible for a very famous film franchise (which we’ll discuss in a bit). This is crazy because Mia is an aspiring actress. I wonder if this will come into play later.
Anyway, you can see Mia is taking her job very seriously. These hussies will stop at nothing to distract Wes from networking opportunities. Nothing. 
Earlier, Wes told Mia his mother was the one hosting this event, and now it’s time to meet her.

“Mother, Father,” Wes approached the couple. The older woman had pale blond hair, almost white, and startling blue eyes. Her lips were full like her son’s and coated with a mauve lipstick that paired well with her skin tone and coloring. Her hair was pulled into a severe French twist and pearls hung from her neck and ears. Her look was classic elegance.

The elder Channing clapped his son on the back. “Son,” he said with a note of pride. His mother promptly air kissed both cheeks, which normally would seem really pretentious, but then she held his cheeks in both hands and smiled warmly at her son.

“I see you went with my pick,” I heard her whisper and turn towards me. The nerves I had prior to meeting up with Wes were back—with a vengeance. The mother picked me out? I mean, I knew that she and Aunt Millie were acquaintances, but that’s kind of strange for a mother to pick out an escort for her son. It kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies.

I thought we already knew that Wes’ mother had set this up? Maybe we were never explicitely told that she was the one to pick Mia specifically, but we knew she orchestrated the whole thing to thwart those gold-digging, networking-blocking hussies! I guess it’s nice that we can ackhowledge how fucking weird this is alongside Mia.
It only gets weirder:
Wes’s mother crossed her arms over her chest and put her hand up to her cheek. She was blushing prettily and smiling so wide I felt as though she was internally laughing at a private joke. His mom leaned into his father’s side. “Isn’t she breathtaking?” She winked at me and shook her head.
It’s creepy she’s talking about Mia like an inanimate object and even weirder that Mia doesn’t seem to notice that? She just thanks her! Even though she wasn’t even directly addressing her!
At this point, Wes’ father pulls him aside to discuss movie business. At which point he reveals the famous film series that Wes is responsible for.
The Honor Series. Weston Channing, the Third wrote the flipping Honor Series! Holy fuckballs! His movies have been the biggest hits—huge— since the first one, Jeramiah’s Honor, released three years ago. There’s been one each year. His inventive way of mixing a soldier pursuing the love of their life with copious amounts of blood, violence, explosions, patriotism, and some wicked hot love scenes have made for epic movies with record-breaking box office numbers.
This doesn’t sound inventive at all. It sounds pretty par for the course. You mean to tell me there are violent scenes and sex scenes? Someone alert the movie industry because they are missing a trick.
While Wes is talking to his dad, two women walk over and wait for Wes to notice them. One of them even has her nipples prominently displayed through her dress, which Mia does not approve of despite the fact that she herself is wearing a very revealing dress. Nipples must be wear Mia draws the line.

Show time. Gotta earn that hundred thousand dollar payout. Even the thought of that much money going to Blaine every month made me want to hurl. Once my father was better, I was totally going to kick his ass for getting into a situation once again!

“Hey honey, I think there are some people over there,” I pointed randomly to the other side of the room, but gestured with my eyes to look behind him. Wes caught my less-than-covert eye movement and looked over his shoulder. Bimbette one and bimbette two promptly pushed out their fake ta-tas in greeting then puckered their fat, collagen-infused lips.

Remember, Mia is here to help keep the women at bay so Wes can network. But he was just talking to his father about business, which could have been accomplished any other time. Wes hasn’t really talked to anyone else at the party yet, so it’s unclear what purpose Mia is serving or why she is intervening now. Or how her plan makes any sense. She’s not even pointing to anyone! And the women could easily still follow them and strike up a conversation with Wes!
She and Wes perform being a flirty couple, I guess to thwart interruption from these ladies and their prominently displayed nipples. They then say goodbye to his parents, who have been witnessing this all silently. His mother makes them promise to come to brunch soon so she can get to know Mia.
This is baffling. Firstly, why is having Mia around for one month supposed to solve the problem of Wes fighting off the ladies? Surely after the month is over, they will have 1) barely noticed her 2) come to the natural conclusion that if Mia was only in the picture for a month she probably wasn’t very important to Wes. 3) These women would take one look at Mia and not see a single thing that sets her apart from them and think they have even more of a chance. 4) Why does Wes’ mother want to get to know Mia who someone she hired to pretend to be in a relationship with her son for one month. And if his mother has match-making intentions, why in fuck’s name would she go about it this way?
They head to the bar and flirt some more. Mia teases Wes for being a mama’s boy. She says this in a cute, flirty way, but if I were Mia I would be inwardly alarmed at this weird relationship Wes has with his mother.
Also this:
His eyes went from a normal Crayola green to a bright forest green in an instant.
What? No. Eyes don’t do that. Stop it.
Wes tells Mia she is trouble and he’s like, “Game on, Ms. Mia.” Which I think is supposed to be sexy, but I’m not feeling it.
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12 comments

  1. Jennifer Layton Reply

    Ew ew ew ew ew his mother picked her son’s ESCORT ew ew ew ew ew … I guess that’s normal behavior on their home planet where everyone can change their eye colors at will, but here that’s just EW EW EW EW EW …

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      We must be more understanding of their cultural and physical ways, odd as they may seem to us earthlings.

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  2. wordswithhannah Reply

    Bimbette one and bimbette two promptly pushed out their fake ta-tas in greeting then puckered their fat, collagen-infused lips.

    Look, this could have been kind of interesting, as Mia is only with him because he’s paying her, and these women are only interested in him for his money and because he’s hot. They’re Not So Different! But no, she takes the moral high horse because LOL women, amirite? With their fake breasts! What dummies!

    Incidentally, if she had no idea about something as basic as what he does for a living, how was she expected to carry her end of conversation at these parties? Why, it would give the impression that she’s an airhead who’s only with him for his money and because he’s hot!

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    • Jennifer Layton Reply

      Yet more evidence that this is Zoey Redbird disguised as another character. Other women are sluts, but when she behaves the same way, it’s because she’s different. The minute Mia starts talking to cats or complaining about indigestion, we’ll know for sure. Stay tuned.

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      • 22aer22 Post authorReply

        Such good points. CLASSIC ZOEY RIGHT HERE!!

        And yes, there was an opportunity to have it be more than, “Look at those loser sluts with their horrible fake everything! Just chasing the money!!!” but, no. But somehow she is classy because she’s naturally so sexy and this is her JOB damn it.

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      • 22aer22 Post authorReply

        Shit that is such a good question. It hadn’t even registered to me that this is really odd.

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  3. justaddgigi Reply

    You got to love the hypocrisy and the misogyny from Mia. Seriously, you would think a book that is supposed to be sex positive, would have it’s main character who is an escort slut-shame other women. It’s it me, but Wesley just get a little bit more creepier in every chapter? It was not only the fact that his mother choose his escort, but the way his parents treated Mia like she was object that their son bought, and not a human being. It just all came off as creepy and weird.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Yeah I am really not charmed by Wesley…I am really confused as to why Mia is, although I guess it’s because he’s so darn hot and we just can’t see him ourselves. My imagination just isn’t working hard enough to find a reason to excuse how offputting I find him.

      The parents freaked me out too. I can only hope the brunch they attend will give us lots of hilarious/awful stuff to write about.

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  4. Anonymous Reply

    I get the feeling that the mother picked out his fake wife. Like it’s somehow better to hire a woman to pretend to be in love with her son than to let him find someone on his own that might run off with his money and heaven forbid, not be pretty enough.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Oh damn! But wouldn’t Tony tell Hector that his mother had figured out he was gay and was hiring an escort on his behalf?

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  5. gasolinespider Reply

    Damn, this book is so hot. The mains have the chemistry of tepid water and there’s misogyny galore. Hotdog!
    I wonder if the mom picked out Mia (also, gross) because she’s a hot, natural, non-slutty McSlutterson, unlike all those hot, fake slutty McSluttersons!

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