Calendar Girl (February) Chapter 1: French, Man-Bunned Ben Affleck

you lied to me, pretty little liar gif

I have a cold. Calendar Girl is even worse and more confusing when you have a cold, let me tell you!

Calendar Girl (February) Chapter 1:

Mia (and us!) are abruptly thrown into her next gig. After getting picked up at the airport by “a giant lumberjack”, she is taken to the tenth floor of a place that “seem[s] to be an open warehouse.” I’m sick Mia, can you just narrate this better, please.

Cameras were clicking, lighting units and reflectors were being moved around on wheeled carts as I stood in the entryway attempting to take it all in. Bunion set my bag off to a sidewall and pointed to a man crouched down, a camera glued to his face. “Mr. Dubois,” he grumbled, then abruptly turned around and entered the elevator we’d just exited leaving me to fend for myself.

In case you were baffled, the man is not really called Bunion, but Mia cleverly refers to him as Paul Bunion because he is a large dude.

There appears to be a very strange photography session going on, and Mia wanders around a bit, seeing naked and half-naked people all around being photographed by lots of different people.

I moved over to another area where there was a naked couple lying on a huge white canvas that had to be at least ten by ten feet in size. One of the attendants climbed up a small ladder that had a platform directly over their bodies and methodically poured what looked to be bright blue paint over every inch of them. “Don’t move!” he screamed. “We’ll have to start all over, and Mr. Dubois won’t be pleased,” he added tightly.

I thought Mr. Dubois was right there? When Mr. Bunion dropped Mia off, he said his name, but then she just wandered around! I also hope this whole book isn’t Mia describing these weird, artistic photo shoots to us. I couldn’t bear it, I just couldn’t. Bring back Wes’ disgusting sexy talk any day, please.

I was so fascinated by the inner workings of the odd scene in front of me that I didn’t hear a person walk up behind me until my hair was swept off my neck.

“Perfection,” I heard whispered against my ear before a soft kiss hit the bare skin at the curve where my shoulder and neck met.

Ew, okay I take it back. Let’s just read about those naked people with the paint again.

I shuffled back, not looking where I was going, just trying to get away from the stranger touching me when I bumped into something behind me. Before I could turn, my boot caught the edge of the canvas, and I went toppling into the platform, which held the irritated guy with the paint. Then, utter chaos ensued. The man holding the bucket went tumbling forward, and blue, sticky paint flew out of the can into a fan of color before splashing down onto the canvas and tarp protecting the concrete.

Wooo-ahhhh! Now that’s what I’m talking about. Who doesn’t love some wacky physical fish-out-of-water comedy. But I bet you anything Mia just created some damn good art by mistake. OR Mia was the true masterpiece all along.

Of course, Mia somehow winds up toppling over and destroying the canvas. It turns out the stranger Mia jerked away from before causing this whole fiasco is really sexy. If only she had realized how hot he was soon, she wouldn’t have tried to defend her personal space!

Small lines at the corners of each eye revealed he was probably a good decade older than I. Sandy brown hair with hints of russet gold and red streaked through in natural highlights was pulled tight into a small bun at the back of his head. A sculpted jaw and full lips were rimmed with perfectly trimmed facial hair. I’d never dated a man with a beard, but standing in front of this man, strong arms holding me close to a very tall and muscular frame, I couldn’t fathom why I never had. He was drop dead gorgeous. Reminded me of Ben Affleck only way hotter.

It must be her new client since she compared him to Ben Affleck in the last book when she saw his picture. I wish she would stop that, it’s not making me swoon to think of a man-bunned Ben Affleck, yikes.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you. I saw you standing there, and your beauty was far beyond the likes of any mere model. I had to press my lips against your golden skin. You must be My Mia,”

Dear lord, please bring back Wes. I’m sorry for all the times I made fun of him and said he was creepy. I’m so sorry.

In a strange sequence of events, Alec (the client) realizes that Mia’s ankle is actually injured, so he sends someone to get a neighbor (I thought they were in a warehouse? I’m confused) who is also a doctor. While being examined, Mia’s wacky socks are revealed:

“Your socks. Positively enchanting, ma jolie,” he finished in French, which sounded sexy as hell but pissed me off even more, because I didn’t know what it meant. Could be anything like klutz, or moron, but I’d never know.

What do you mean you’ll never know? You could just Google it the second you are holding almost any electronic device.

I also wonder if Mia’s socks are the big test that these guys have to pass to signal to the reader whether they are a worthwhile competitor for Mia’s heart.

Mia will need crutches, and she briefly worries if this means Alec is going to send her back because she’s “damaged.” Luckily he proves to meet the basic standards of human decency and does no such thing.

He brings her to his loft, which I think is part of the warehouse-y type place where the shoot is going on because they get into an elevator and are suddenly sitting on a couch where Alec is telling her how symmetrical and perfect her face is. I find him very creepy! Mia feels a pang of guilt when she thinks about Wes, but then pushes the thought aside to focus on French Man-Bunned Ben Affleck With a Beard.

He goes back to work, and later returns with food and crutches for Mia.

“How are you, ma jolie?”

“Uh, fine, I guess,” I blinked and he smiled. “What does ma jolie mean?”

[…]

“It translates to ‘my pretty’ in English.”

BUT I THOUGHT SHE SAID SHE WOULD NEVER KNOW WHAT IT MEANT??? Shortest lived mystery ever.

you lied to me, pretty little liar gif

Mia eats some Chinese food, which Alec finds very arousing. He tells her more how beautiful and perfect she is. Cool it, buddy, let the woman finish her dinner! Alas, though, they make out instead. And Mia pulls his hair out of the man-bun. What even is this?

I pulled back and our gazes held. “Wow.” I bit my lip and swallowed. He grinned.

“I do believe ‘wow’ is an understatement. Let’s eat. Get to know one another on all levels. Only then will the physical manifestation of our joining be as sweet.

Alec Dubois was bizarre. Who the hell even talks like that? ‘A physical manifestation of our joining?’ He may have spent too much time reading Ask Jeeves online.

“You’re a weird guy,” I said before grabbing my plate, setting it on my lap and shoveling in a giant bite of noodles. Pure heaven! Almost as good as the kiss we’d shared moments ago.

Alec tipped his head back and burst into laughter. See, totally weird dude.

He grabbed his plate, loaded it up and leaned back, set his feet next to mine on the ottoman, turned his head to the side and looked at me. “Oh my sweet, you have no idea, but soon you will. Let’s eat.”

This guy really weirds me out. I am at least kind intrigued to see what happens with him, I guess.

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12 comments

  1. Andreas Reply

    I guess the next step in their joining will be them braiding each others hair. It seems to be the overwhelming motif so far after all.

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  2. Hanna Reply

    She means Paul Bunyan, right? Because “bunion” is an enlarged joint in one’s big toe. Lol.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      I copy/pasted what was in the book and then thought nothing of it. I BLAME THE COLD AND ALSO BEING TOO TRUSTING!

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  3. wordswithhannah Reply

    “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I saw you standing there, and your beauty was far beyond the likes of any mere model. I had to press my lips against your golden skin. You must be My Mia,”

    1. Is he wearing a fedora
    2. Is “ma jolie” the cultured version of “milady”
    3. HOLY SHIT RUN, MIA, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

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      • 22aer22 Post authorReply

        1. I hope not. A man bun AND a fedora would be too fucking much.
        2. fuck I think it is
        3. Thank god February is the shortest month
        4. I truly hope so because if he was Zoolander it would make me feel better

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  4. matthewjulius Reply

    “He may have spent too much time reading Ask Jeeves online.”

    That’s a search engine. What does this even mean? You can’t read a search engine. That’s like saying your favorite book is the library.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      I’m dying right now. I have cultural awareness of Ask Jeeves, and I felt like maybe his answers were written a certain way and I was missing the point. Also I didn’t care. But I Googled Ask Jeeves as you do nowadays, and it just takes you to Ask.com. I tried asking Ask.com what is Ask Jeeves and it just said it was a search engine so WTF does this line mean???

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      • matthewjulius Reply

        Oh yeah, it used to be Ask Jeeves but they rebranded as Ask a few years ago. Both were search engines. Basically google. WHAT DOES THIS LINE MEAN?

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        • 22aer22 Post authorReply

          I feel like people used to make Ask Jeeves jokes, so I’m used to the reference. Maybe he used to give some sort of posh responses and people are like WOW WHO SPEAKS LIKE THAT but you wouldn’t say someone has been reading too much Ask Jeeves! Ahhhhh

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