Chapter 16
Lizzy, Luke, and Clay respond to the Horrors matter-of-factly telling them that the parents left the park without them.
“You’re wrong!” I cried. “They wouldn’t leave.”
“About half an hour ago,” the Horror repeated. She shrugged her shoulders under the bulky monster costume.
The Horrors walk away and ignore the kids, who are now incredibly confused and worried. Their parents are gone, they have no money, and no way of contacting anyone. Luke tries to remain optimistic.
“I guess that’s their job,” Luke said. “Telling us lies to scare us to death. That’s why they call it HorrorLand.”
“They should call it DumbLand,” Clay muttered bitterly.
Oh, Clay, you are truly a character after my own heart.
They walk around the park for a long time, looking for their parents. They pass “several Horrors scurrying along the paths in their bright green costumes” and “a few families wandering around, always with crying kids”, but mostly just notice how the park is very empty.
Even Lizzy isn’t feeling like this book is particularly scary.
By the time we found ourselves back at the Alligator Pond, I was feeling pretty bad. […]
“What do you think happened to those teenagers who went swimming here?” Luke asked, staring across the pond. “Think the alligators ate them?”
“Maybe,” I replied. I wasn’t really listening to him.
LIzzy forms a theory.
“They didn’t leave without us,” I said. “They would never leave without us. So . . .” I hesitated. I was thinking hard, and my thoughts were all frightening.
“So?” Clay asked eagerly.
“So if they’re not in the park,” I continued, “it means something happened to them. Something bad happened to them.”
Clay gasped. […]
“I mean maybe this place really is evil,” I said. “And maybe the Horrors or somebody did something bad to Mom and Dad.”
And then suddenly she feels “strong hands grab me from behind and push me into the Alligator Pond”! OH NOOOOO
Chapter 17
I screamed.
Then I realized I wasn’t being tossed into the water.
Is it just me, or are the Goosebumps cliffhanger fakeouts really bad this year? This one was literally “I WAS BEING PUSHED oh wait I realized I wasn’t being pushed”.
Turns out it’s their parents! They explain that there were no phones in the park, but that the Horrors assured them “not to worry about a thing” and that they should just come to the ticket booth when they were ready to leave.
“Can we just eat lunch and then leave?” I asked eagerly. I still had a bad feeling about the place. I wanted to get away from HorrorLand, far away.
“Your mom and I have spent all our time searching for you,” Dad said, wiping sweat off his sunburnt forehead with one hand. “We haven’t had any fun at all.”
What’s fun about Goosebumps is that it’s impossible to tell if this is supposed to be suspicious, or if it’s actually written that badly.
They walk towards the front of the park, and the parents keep suggesting rides for them to try. Luke’s super on board and keeps making fun of Lizzy and Clay whenever they hint they’re kinda scared.
A sign beside the boathouse read: COFFIN CRUISE. A RELAXING FLOAT TO THE GRAVE.
“This might be fun,” Mom said, her eyes on the small boats.[…]
it took me a while to realize that the objects bobbing in the brown water weren’t canoes — they were coffins!
Lizzy, I gotta level with you. It’s kinda right there in the name.
Two horrors help them lie down in a coffin each, telling them to “Enjoy the ride” and that “It will be your last”. Lizzy’s parents totally ignore this. Ugh, parents.
Chapter 18
Shortly into their coffin ride, the lids slam shut on them. That’s pretty much it for chapter 18, y’all. What I wouldn’t have given for one chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey to have just been “Christian took his pants off. That was it. Congratulations, Matthew. You’re done for the week.”
Chapter 19
“Hey — !” I shouted. My voice was muffled by the heavy lid over me.
I could heard the dull thud of the other coffin lids slamming shut.
“Hey — let me out!”
I pushed against the lid with both hands. But it wouldn’t budge. […] I could hear Clay’s muffled cries in the coffin next to mine. The poor guy was screaming his head off.
Oh man! How can this get worse?
And then I felt my legs start to itch. A tingly feeling down near my ankles.
Moving up my legs.
An itchy, crawly feeling.
Something was crawling slowly up my legs.
Something small and prickly.
“Ohh.” I let out a low, terrified groan.
Spiders!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Chapter 20
But then the coffin lids pop open and it turns out there are no spiders. Get your shit together, Goosebumps. You’ve written your way out of literally every scare in this book with an “actually, that didn’t happen lol”
The coffin had pulled up to a small dock. I braced both hands against the sides of the coffin and heaved myself to my feet.
“Let’s get out of here!” I heard Clay cry.
“That was horrible!” my mom shrieked.
Luke didn’t say anything. His face was pale, and his black hair was matted to his forehead with sweat.
“They really went too far!” Dad said angrily. “I’m going to complain.”
Look, I’m sure this was very scary, but how is this a scarier experience than the supernaturally, physics-defyingly long slide that ended with thinking you were about to get burned alive? How is this the final straw for Luke? What’s your fucking excuse, Luke?
Also, I guess this means that the parents actually were complaining that their kids wanted to leave because they didn’t get to go on any rides? And that the “your parents left” was just another dumb fakeout/really underwhelming evil plan? You guys… I… I don’t think I’m that scared by this children’s horror book????
They make their way to the ticket booth, but it’s CLOSED. They turn around to look for an employee, but the park is EMPTY. They decide to just go see if anyone is in the parking lot who can help out.
I stopped for a second to read a sign on the side of one of the ticket booths. It said: NO EXIT. NO ONE LEAVES HORRORLAND ALIVE!
“Ha-ha,” I said sarcastically. “These signs are a riot, aren’t they?”
I jogged the rest of the way and reached the gate first. I pulled it, and it wouldn’t open. So I tried pushing it.
It didn’t move.
Then I saw the heavy chain and the large steel padlock on the gate.
Swallowing hard, I turned back to the others.
“We’re locked in!” I told them.
Something tells me this might be the first time the next chapter doesn’t start with “But then it turned out it actually wasn’t.”
