I Took this Dumb Quiz and the Answer Was Horrifying: What If YOU Dated Christian Grey… Could You Handle It?

Before taking the “What If YOU Dated Christian Grey… Could You Handle It?” quiz, I thought the answer was an indisputable “no”, but the answer is far more complex than I ever could have imagined.

The quiz opens with:

He’s handsome, he’s wealthy, he knows his way around a cattle prod…Ahem. Sorry, sometimes we get carried away. But just because you love the “Fifty Shades of Grey” character doesn’t necessarily mean he’s right for you IRL. The only way you can find out that information…is by taking this quiz.

So, think you’re Ana enough to handle him? Find out here!

Well, gee, sign me up since this is the only way I can discover the answer to this compelling question!

Just like off the bat, if you’re gonna take this too, the site was slow AF for me. And in between each question, there are these really stupid, unnecessary messages that are like, “uh huh suuuuuure” or “I knew you were going to say that!” No you fucking didn’t, message. Stop slowing down my quiz!

Question 1: “A random guy feels you up on the dance floor. Christian appears and knocks him clean out. How do you react?”

I said that I was about to punch the guy because this actually is something I did before when someone started kissing me without my consent at a club. It seems like a fair reaction.

Question 2: “What’s your dream man like?”

None of the options have the word “kind” in them, so maybe I’m not being true to myself when I pick “Popular, laid-back, with a good sense of humor.” Laid-back sounded friendly enough.

Question 3: “Christian takes you on a tour of his Red Room of Pain. How do you feel?”

Again, there isn’t an answer that adequately expresses my feelings. I’m frustrated that he didn’t give me a heads up before taking me in there, probably nervous if this is one of of our first dates and I don’t know what to expect.

I went with “I didn’t even know this stuff existed” because there were definitely things in that room I’d never heard of.

Question 4: “Are you excited by the idea of being restrained during sex?”

Hm. I went with, “I’m not opposed to the idea”. It seems like a good middle-of-the-road selection.

Question 5: “Pick a drink.”

The options are pictures of red wine, champagne, ginger ale, or a cocktail. I’m shocked that SunnyD is not in the mix.

I finally choose champagne despite a deep love for red wine, cocktails and ginger ale. I spent a lot of time on this question.

Question 6: “What’s your dream date?”

The private jet/champagne part of the exotic location date sounded cool but like a lot of pressure for a date, so I picked the flowers/candlelit dinner/romantic walk. Food is involved.

Question 7: “You have an after-work drinks session planned with your bestie, but Christian insists you go straight home. How do you react?”

This is a really juicy question. Surely the answers will reflect an array of nuanced, thought-provoking actions and reactions.

Where is the option that is like, “Ask him why I have to come home. This sounds like it’s potentially an emergency or this is a tremendous red flag. I’m going to get to the bottom of it.”

I selected, “I better cancel. Right now.” Because I would give him the benefit of the doubt that it was actually urgent.

Question 8: “Which of these ‘flaws’ do you happen to possess?”

What is the point of framing these ironically as “flaws”?

Anyway, I said I speak my mind a lot.

Question 9: “Christian presents you with some, ahem, ‘Silver Balls’ before you leave for dinner. How do you respond?”

Again, not presented with great options, but I went with the “I’ll try anything once”. It’s weird that this scenario implies Christian is just handing over the silver balls with no explanation, which is pretty strange behaviour.

Question 10: “Christian sends a particularly saucy email to your work’s address. It mentions ’spanking’ more than once. How do you reply?”

I chose “Laters, baby.” I would also like to add, “Don’t send this to my work email.”

Question 11: “What’s the best thing a man could say to you in bed?”

The capitalisation makes two of these options sound pretty terrifying, so I chose, “That was AMAZING.” The capitalisation there just sounded like friendly enthusiasm.

Question 12: “It’s no secret that Christian is traffic-stoppingly gorgeous, but how would you feel about other women coming on to him all the time?”

This is mercifully the final question. I don’t know why twelve were needed to determine whether I could date Christian. It seems superfluous.

I chose “Furious – he’s mine!” I think this is mostly because I am feeling quite furious at this twelve-question quiz, and also I can be very jealous.

So it’s time to find out if I could date Christian. I can’t imagine the ways in which my life might change depending on the outcome of this quiz.

~Drum role please~

YOU ARE CHRISTIAN GREY.

Pictured: Me, Christian Grey

What???? How???? The answer is the biggest twist ever because it doesn’t even make sense in the context of the quiz. Am I Christian only in spirit, meaning I couldn’t date him because we’re too similar? Or can I not date Christian for I am actually him? Or am I uniquely qualified to date Christian because we are one and the same?

Bye, I have some serious soul-searching to do.

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18 comments

  1. Jo ⭐ Humbug (@KittyCatalyst) Reply

    :O PLOT TWIST?! Quizzes like these never have enough of a range in answers haha

    I got “Your Inner Goddess Approves”
    “Ana? Is that you? You were made for Christian Grey! Not only could you handle a relationship with him, but you could handle HIM — in more ways than one. Stock up on some icy hot and arnica oil, because your backside — and more! — is going to be HURTIN’ by the time he’s done with you. But on the plus side, you’ll have your Egyptian cotton sheets and couture Dior gown to cry on if you really need to. Now you just have to find him…and have you ever considered a job in psychiatry?”

    So ‘haha he’ll beat you but you can take it and at least you’ll be rich’? uhh….ew. That last line made me laugh though.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      That answer is bananas! It comes off a little wink-wink-nudge-nudge this is silly, but at the same time it does seem to be like, ‘aw, this is cute.’ because it’s so damn jolly!

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  2. E.H.Taylor Reply

    I took the quiz before reading your responses and even though we answered half of them differently, I *also* got that I was Christian Grey?!
    We both chose ‘speak our mind’ as our flaw (seriously? since when is that a flaw?), so maybe that’s it? Obviously since we speak our mind, we’re too dominant to be anyone *but* Christian Grey – especially since we all know that his opinion is the only one that matters…

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Oh right, of course, that was CHRISTIAN’S main character flaw, not Ana’s! If this quiz wasn’t the slowest thing ever on my computer, I would try to run it and answer basically everything differently except that question. That one HAD to have been weighted really strongly in “You’re Christian”‘s favor.

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  3. Rebecca Reply

    I got that I’m too vanilla for Christian Grey, even though I said I speak my mind too much.

    Thank god, though. Vanilla is love, vanilla is life.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Verrrry interesting, I wonder what else contributed to my results! Maybe Christian also would have selected champagne, so if you speak your mind and like Champagne, BOOM Christian Grey.

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  4. Krista B Reply

    I was told that I can’t handle Christian Grey, but maybe Edward from Twilight is available. He’d be more my type. 🙁

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  5. Cara Reply

    My result was surprisingly accurate! In that it assumed I wouldn’t actually want to date Christian Grey. I think I got the same result as Krista, because it suggested Edward at the end. I did happen to have a crush on him in middle school, so my result is 2 for 2.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      Haha whoever created this quiz could make a great recommendation platform. “People who wouldn’t want to date Christian Grey, but might want to date someone similar could date the guy he was copy/pasted from!”

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  6. Meg Reply

    I also got the result of “You are Christian Grey”. What the heck, quiz?!!

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  7. Ellie Reply

    Oh my GOD I’m cracking up!! This is one of your funniest posts to date, and that’s saying something. At no surprise to anybody, I got: “You’re TOO VANILLA FOR CHRISTIAN GREY!”

    If vanilla means not being attracted to an abusive bag of dicks, I’ll take it!

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  8. Lya Reply

    My result:
    “You couldn’t date Christian Grey – you ARE Christian Grey!”

    I don’t know what to say… I want to cry

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  9. Pip Reply

    I got ‘couldn’t handle the heat’, but what I found more disturbing was that after the question ‘would you like to be restrained during sex’, the little message after I answered said ‘That’s what my mum would say!’ What the fuck does that mean???

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      OMG THOSE LITTLE MESSAGES WERE SO WEIRD! But that takes it to a new level of weird! Why is that even in there as one of the messages? How many quiz questions can you answer where that would be a follow-up that makes sense.

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  10. Leanne Writes Stuff (@AllWriteyThen) Reply

    Curiosity got the better of me and I took the quiz; apparently I’m Christian Grey, too! I’m a “feisty little madam”, I guess. I have NO idea how this result makes any sense. Since when does Christian like cocktails, bungee jumping dates, and being secretly pleased that other people think his significant other is super hot? I mean, since I’m Christian, I should assume these questions are retroactively referring to my “Ana”, right? I’m so confused… and also kind of having a mild identity crisis.

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    • 22aer22 Post authorReply

      As I’ve been reading all these comments, my theory is evolving. First, it seemed like it had to be speak your mind and then I thought maybe the champagne thing, but now I don’t know! It sounds like you and I answered most questions differently, so I am at a loss here.

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  11. gasolinespider Reply

    I’m unsure if the creators are mocking FSOG or praising it. I got… Edward. You know when the creepy, sleep-watcher is less possessive than you, you know you messed up. They are right about one thing though, I am too easy-going and cool to put up with his crap!
    (Please stow your twitching palms, Ariel)

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