Before taking the “What If YOU Dated Christian Grey… Could You Handle It?” quiz, I thought the answer was an indisputable “no”, but the answer is far more complex than I ever could have imagined.
The quiz opens with:
He’s handsome, he’s wealthy, he knows his way around a cattle prod…Ahem. Sorry, sometimes we get carried away. But just because you love the “Fifty Shades of Grey” character doesn’t necessarily mean he’s right for you IRL. The only way you can find out that information…is by taking this quiz.
So, think you’re Ana enough to handle him? Find out here!
Well, gee, sign me up since this is the only way I can discover the answer to this compelling question!
Just like off the bat, if you’re gonna take this too, the site was slow AF for me. And in between each question, there are these really stupid, unnecessary messages that are like, “uh huh suuuuuure” or “I knew you were going to say that!” No you fucking didn’t, message. Stop slowing down my quiz!
Question 1: “A random guy feels you up on the dance floor. Christian appears and knocks him clean out. How do you react?”
I said that I was about to punch the guy because this actually is something I did before when someone started kissing me without my consent at a club. It seems like a fair reaction.
Question 2: “What’s your dream man like?”
None of the options have the word “kind” in them, so maybe I’m not being true to myself when I pick “Popular, laid-back, with a good sense of humor.” Laid-back sounded friendly enough.
Question 3: “Christian takes you on a tour of his Red Room of Pain. How do you feel?”
Again, there isn’t an answer that adequately expresses my feelings. I’m frustrated that he didn’t give me a heads up before taking me in there, probably nervous if this is one of of our first dates and I don’t know what to expect.
I went with “I didn’t even know this stuff existed” because there were definitely things in that room I’d never heard of.
Question 4: “Are you excited by the idea of being restrained during sex?”
Hm. I went with, “I’m not opposed to the idea”. It seems like a good middle-of-the-road selection.
Question 5: “Pick a drink.”
The options are pictures of red wine, champagne, ginger ale, or a cocktail. I’m shocked that SunnyD is not in the mix.
I finally choose champagne despite a deep love for red wine, cocktails and ginger ale. I spent a lot of time on this question.
Question 6: “What’s your dream date?”
The private jet/champagne part of the exotic location date sounded cool but like a lot of pressure for a date, so I picked the flowers/candlelit dinner/romantic walk. Food is involved.
Question 7: “You have an after-work drinks session planned with your bestie, but Christian insists you go straight home. How do you react?”
This is a really juicy question. Surely the answers will reflect an array of nuanced, thought-provoking actions and reactions.
Where is the option that is like, “Ask him why I have to come home. This sounds like it’s potentially an emergency or this is a tremendous red flag. I’m going to get to the bottom of it.”
I selected, “I better cancel. Right now.” Because I would give him the benefit of the doubt that it was actually urgent.
Question 8: “Which of these ‘flaws’ do you happen to possess?”
What is the point of framing these ironically as “flaws”?
Anyway, I said I speak my mind a lot.
Question 9: “Christian presents you with some, ahem, ‘Silver Balls’ before you leave for dinner. How do you respond?”
Again, not presented with great options, but I went with the “I’ll try anything once”. It’s weird that this scenario implies Christian is just handing over the silver balls with no explanation, which is pretty strange behaviour.
Question 10: “Christian sends a particularly saucy email to your work’s address. It mentions ’spanking’ more than once. How do you reply?”
I chose “Laters, baby.” I would also like to add, “Don’t send this to my work email.”
Question 11: “What’s the best thing a man could say to you in bed?”
The capitalisation makes two of these options sound pretty terrifying, so I chose, “That was AMAZING.” The capitalisation there just sounded like friendly enthusiasm.
Question 12: “It’s no secret that Christian is traffic-stoppingly gorgeous, but how would you feel about other women coming on to him all the time?”
This is mercifully the final question. I don’t know why twelve were needed to determine whether I could date Christian. It seems superfluous.
I chose “Furious – he’s mine!” I think this is mostly because I am feeling quite furious at this twelve-question quiz, and also I can be very jealous.
So it’s time to find out if I could date Christian. I can’t imagine the ways in which my life might change depending on the outcome of this quiz.
~Drum role please~
YOU ARE CHRISTIAN GREY.
What???? How???? The answer is the biggest twist ever because it doesn’t even make sense in the context of the quiz. Am I Christian only in spirit, meaning I couldn’t date him because we’re too similar? Or can I not date Christian for I am actually him? Or am I uniquely qualified to date Christian because we are one and the same?
Bye, I have some serious soul-searching to do.