Calendar Girl (May) Chapter 6: Mia Has To Fix A Dude’s Love Life Again

Calendar Girl (May): Chapter 6

We’re past the halfway mark in another Calendar Girl novella, and it definitely looks like our predictions were totally wrong. Ariel and I guessed that maybe Calendar Girl would finally focus on the overarching narrative connecting all these little stories together since 1) the client was married and hiring Mia as a model, not an escort, and 2) much ado was made about Mia bringing her sister and best friend along (instead of putting the money towards her father’s loan shark gambling debts that this entire series is about, for some reason).

But nope, it’s about Mia vaguely helping a dude vaguely find meaning in his life. Again.

“When do you think you’ll settle down?” I asked [Tai] out of the blue.
He tilted his head and pursed his full lips. “I dream of it nightly, but I have no answer.”

Well, I’d be lying if I said it was exactly the same thing. This time the dude in question is also a fetish object!

this seemed to plague the sexy Samoan.

It’s not exactly an improvement.

Earlier in the book I was more uncertain about whether Mia was fetishizing Tai’s ethnicity, but boy oh boy is something awry when Mia has to point out he’s a sexy Samoan when he’s just sitting there fretting. In immediate retrospect, I was maybe expecting a bit much of a story that was also whipping out the mystical minority trope.

“What did your mom say? You said she could see things, future things.”

Anyway, since once again this is a story about a one-off character trying to find balance in his life before the novella ends and we never have to think about him ever again…

“It’s frustrating to wait. I feel as though I am living half a life, my other half living somewhere without me.”

…time to pretend to care about what minor character #5 wants out of life.

Tai says that his mom’s (very long sigh) prediction was that he would “meet my mate unexpectedly”, so he did wonder if Mia might be his soulmate at first. Mia asks for more, and he also says that “her eyes would be the color of fresh-cut grass and her hair will be yellow like the sun”.

Tai shrugged. “Means she will not be Samoan.” He frowned. “That will be difficult for the family.” […]
Rubbing his shoulder, I moved close and leaned against it. […] “True love always is.”

I kind of feel like Mia might be less qualified than usual to magically solve the dude’s problems with her mere presence this time around.

Tai takes Mia on a surprise drive to a lovely view over the city of Honolulu.

“Where are we going?” […]
“You’ll see. […] Trust me. It will be worth it.”
“Worth missing out on a Tai Niko orgasm? Doubtful”

Is Mia even reading these books? Obviously they’re going to bang at the secret location.

“Your flower is ripe,” Tai said, trailing a hand down between my breasts. […] “I can smell that nectar, girlie.”

I did not realize until this moment how nice it was that the last two books were pretty light on the sex scenes and dirty talk.

On the one hand, it is pretty nice that these are books that can actually mostly just be about people who enjoy each other’s company and have some sex, but they’re both pretty chill about it not being a serious thing…

“How about I strip you of all your clothes and take your body hard right now. Ever been taken on the hood of a car, Mia?”
I shook my head. “Only a motorcycle,” […]
“Really?” His surprised tone had me groaning. “You’ll have to share that story later.”

…but goddamn some of these sex scenes are bonkers.

“Give your tits some attention. I’m going to be busy tending to the flower between these creamy thighs and the sweet nectar sliding down the crack of your ass.”

This sex scene is particularly ridiculous and there’s nothing I can say that’ll make it funnier than it already is, so here’s just a shitton of stuff that’s actually written in this sex scene in this book:

  • The things he said, I felt straight through my body to my clit, where they crash-landed
  • [He] laid the flat edge of his tongue against my O-trigger, and rubbed.
  • Tears actually formed in my eyes, and my body shook with the need to come.
  • “Don’t close your eyes. Watch me take you to bliss,” he growled before licking me from slit to clit
  • He was so deep, it was as if he was fucking uncharted territory
  • He had me restrained by the legs with his righteous man hands

As hilarious as this is, we do have to acknowledge that some of it is straight up troublesome:

“Gonna fuck you wide open, girlie. Make my mark so you miss this cock when you leave. […] You gonna miss my cock one day?” […]
“Fuck yeah, Tai. Just fuck me,” I screamed

Even Mia sounds annoyed with how every dude in these books is like “AW YEAH YOU’RE GONNA MISS MY BIG COCK YEAH”. Ironically, there’s not much for her to miss since every single sex partner she’s had this series has a massive dick.

The next day Mia actually has a photoshoot (it’s easy to forget this book is about her doing a job), but discovers to her horror that Tai’s hands left huge bruises on her thighs from holding her so hard.

How the hell do you explain this shit to a bathing-suit designer? Um yeah, I had crazy sex out in the open on a mountain on the hood of a car. And you know that giant Samoan you hired, yeah, it was totally his fault

Again, I have no idea why I was waiting to see if Calendar Girl WOULDN’T fetishize the only person of color that Mia’s been intimate with.

Mia confronts Tai about the bruises, and at first he’s concerned that she’s upset, but then just chuckles when he sees what it’s about. Mia gets mad about this, but Raul, one of the professionals working the photoshoot, knows about the cold spoon trick, so he’s on this. Also important, we learn about… Raul’s fashion sense…

Raul walked up to me. This time, he wore white from head to toe. Turned out he wasn’t actually gothic. As he’d explained it, when he chose a color for the day, he committed wholly to it. So from the tip of his toes to his neck he’d wear entirely the same color.

I have no idea why we needed to know this.

“No problem, honey. I’ll lighten the bruise with the cold spoons and then cover them up.”
“Oh, thank God. I’d hate to have Angel have to airbrush the images.”
Raul’s eyes turned hard. “Honey, Angel D’Amico will no sooner airbrush a picture he’s taken of a woman wearing his designs than he would cheat on his hot wife, Rosa.”

His not-hot wife Gertrude, on the other hand, has to tell him he’s sleeping on the couch tonight every time he opens Photoshop.

Why specify that she’s hot in this sentence? WHY?

The chapter ends with Tai apologizing. The chapter does not end with any sense of what story this book even has to wrap up in the remaining four chapters.

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9 comments

  1. Cara Reply

    I have so many thoughts!
    1. “The color of fresh-cut grass” is the color of regular fucking grass.
    2. Wow, the only thing I can think of that would be less sexy than a guy telling me he can smell my vagina is a guy doing that while also referring to it as a ripe flower.
    3. That thing with the bruises. Yikes. It’s bad enough that Mia is incapable of describing non-white people without fetishizing them, and keeps using ethnicities like they’re pronouns, but now Tai is rough and animalistic in a way that Wes and Alec were not. Yikes.

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    • Jennifer Layton Reply

      In the summertime in Virginia, after Dad mowed the lawn, the grass had some yellow color. So Tai’s wife will have jaundice, possibly from mono. She’ll also have purple bruises from sex with her soul mate. The wedding will have to be held in an intensive care unit.

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    • Judy F. Reply

      Also that repeated phrase of Tai finding a mate make him seem animal like ( a hot animal mind you) makes me cringe.

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  2. Andreas Reply

    I wonder if Tais truest of true loves will have any kind of backstory or if she will just randomly appear in the last chapter in an unexpected place like an elevator or at Starbucks standing behind Mia or unexpectedly crossing the street or something like that.
    Mia: “Green eyes, blonde hair, check. Hey, lady, you should totally hook up with my fuckbuddy because he is destined to be your one true love.” – Mystery Woman: “I realize we have just two pages left, so obviously this a reasonable way to act and there won’t be any problems. You’ll be invited to the wedding, btw.”

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    • 22aer22 Reply

      And then in the next book Mia will email this person random questions like “If my sister’s fiance’s parents want to take me out to lunch, what does it mean???’ and tell us that they’re super close now.

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  3. Madeline Reply

    If a man ever refers to your vagina as a flower-

    RUN.
    RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

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    • Jennifer Layton Reply

      I laughed at that because it reminded me of Will and Grace, when Karen tries to explain to Jack what a vagina looks like: “Imagine the most beautiful flower you’ve ever seen, its petals opening as it’s gently touched by the sun. Now imagine a vagina next to it.”

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  4. Lisa Reply

    I’m so glad your summaries exist! They are the best and obviously way more enjoyable than the actual books. I gotta admit that I’ve only read January and February. After that I started reading your posts and it’s way better. I don’t feel like I am missing out on a lot this way. So, thank you very much and keep up the good work!

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