Okay, so I started writing this post a month ago when the article was first published but haven’t had a chance to finish. Today I decided to get back to it only to find the article was removed. Thank god for caching, though, so you all know this nonsensical garbage existed!
To read the original, go to http://cachedview.com/, then enter http://www.yourtango.com/2017299813/12-signs-you-are-giving-seriously-bad-blowjob so you can fact-check the shit out of me.
The Preamble:
I don’t know what the approval or editing processes are like at YourTango, but I’m concerned that it’s an unqualified robot who just runs a quick, contextless keyword check. Given the subsequent removal of the post, I feel like maybe a human or a better robot intervened.
This article starts out with a warning that if you think there is no such thing as bad oral sex, you can think again. Woah. It then quickly moves on from this statement, that at least makes sense as a sentence, to bizarre pop-culture references and jokes that read like someone got the wrong end of the Google-translate stick.
However, either the popularity of Andrew Dice Clay or the ubiquity of decent porn made oral sex acts either mandatory complements or supplements in most sexual relationships, even ones of the one-time variety. If you’re reading this, you probably already appreciate that blowjobs, and reciprocation of blowjobs, are pretty much inalienable human rights items in a contemporary relationship, but you may not really know that just going through the motions isn’t enough.
Why are there so many links in that joke? Why are there so many words smushed together that don’t make sense? Why are we talking about Andrew Dice Clay in 2017? I mean, from his Wiki page (thanks to that sweet link!) I have ascertained that he guest-starred in Entourage’s classic final season that was probably watched by at least twenty people, so maybe this is actually a super relevant, blowjob illuminating reference.
The Signs of Bad Blowjobs:
1. He falls asleep.
Look, he’s warm and relaxed and he may just be very, very, very, very tired. This is probably better than pretending to fall asleep if that’s any consolation.
Why would the fact he’s not pretending to fall asleep be any consolation? Why would someone pretend to fall asleep during a blowjob?
2. You get pushed aside.
He may have a special finish-off grip or pace if he insists on “I’ll take it from here, you just play with your boobs for a sec.”
STEP ASIDE, I SHALL FINISH THIS BLOWJOB MYSELF!
Side note: did anyone else read, “You get pushed aside” and think that a third party who was observing the blowjob was intervening?
Why is there a link from the word “boobs”, and why does it link to 13 reasons to love your small boobs?
3. He’s focused on watching TV.
Obviously, you can get oral anytime but a marathon of The O.C. is only on TV so often they appear to already be up to the season that Mischa Barton quit.
Do you guys think Mischa Barton and Andrew Dice Clay have something cooking together, and this is part of a larger PR conspiracy?
This felt like a very personal anger over how often marathons of The O.C. are on TV. I didn’t realize this was a problem people were facing, and I feel bad I haven’t lifted a finger to help reduce the frequency of these marathons. Especially if they are already up to the third season! I mean, this is an outrage.
4. He says “ouch” on more than one occasion.
Some blowies include teeth or a kung-fu grip, but most don’t. You’re doing it wrong.
Are there really a lot of people out there who are like, “He said ouch, but there aren’t enough context clues for me to figure out if what I did was working or not”?
5. You accidentally hit yourself in the face when you’re doing the hand part.
Outside of a few specific fetishes, men love when you put in effort. We generally don’t love such uncoordinated hand motions that close to our tenders.
Yes, I’m sure one of the most Googled phrases is, “How can I stop hitting myself in the face while giving blowjobs?”
6. He asks if you’re a virgin or insinuates you may have been raised in some kind of sexless cult.
Most men think they have a little Edmund Hillary in them, but they really prefer some skill in a blowjob situation.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES EDMUND HILARY HAVE TO DO WITH THIS? I think he’s trying to say, “Most men like to think they want to sleep with a virgin, but actually they prefer experience when it comes to blowjobs.” FUCK THIS JOKE. And fuck the fact that I had to Google so much of it to even begin to piece together what it was trying to say.
7. He looks at his phone (even if it’s for porn-y inspiration).
We’re told that porn addiction isn’t a thing, but either we’re wrong about that or you’re doing a poor job.
This is a really aggressive, mean listicle.
8. You hate what you’re doing.
Again, there’s certainly a fetish for someone being spectacularly bored by performing a sex act, but enthusiasm is almost as important as talent whilst giving a blowjob.
But don’t get so excited you accidentally hit yourself in the face. Number 5 was very specific,
9. He’s giving constant instructions.
It’s possible he likes something very specific. It’s much more possible that you suck at this and give bad blowjobs.
“And you deserve to die a slow, painful death.”
10. You’ve resorted to cheap theatrics like menthol or pop rocks.
Sure, you’re doing what you’re doing but have some respect for yourself and the craft.
This is in direct contradiction of number 8. This sounds like the blowjob giver is trying to make things more exciting and fun because they care.
11. There’s a condom involved.
Of course safer sex is almost always the smart choice for both people, but why not just try an old-fashioned if a canker or chancre may be giving you pause.
I can’t believe this one was included given it sounds almost like an admonishment for practicing safe sex. “Cankers and chancres” are not the only reasons someone might choose to use a condom during a blowjob.
Also, a condom’s involvement isn’t even a sign someone is giving a bad blowjob!
12. He never makes eye contact.
It doesn’t have to be a full-on staring contest but if he wanted d*ck-sucking automaton, he’d go back to rigging up a fleshlight to his vacuum.
This is just full-on disgusting garbage at this point, funny and useful to approximately no-one.
Look, giving decent oral sex isn’t rocket surgery. Please don’t feel the need to swallow anything and please, please, please do not listen to the grapefruit lady. She’s insane.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT STOP MAKING ME NEED TO GOOGLE YOUR REFERENCES!
I’m glad YourTango took this down, but why did they even publish it in the first place? It says it was published by Tom Miller, Editor, so I guess he is their first robot editor and is just trying to make it in a human world, referencing human pop culture icons like Andrew Dice Clay and Edmund Hilary. I should cut him some slack.
My mom liked this post on facebook
Tom Miller likes to hang out here: https://www.reddit.com/r/totallynotrobots/
This was literally the most jarring, confusing and shitty piece of pop culture laden blowjob advice I’ve ever seen. And I’ve read House of Night
“blowjobs, and reciprocation of blowjobs, are pretty much inalienable human rights”
AAAAA— [reads part about pretending to fall asleep] Oh never mind, this guy clearly doesn’t live on earth and has never interacted with another human, we’re safe.
I also like his assumption that without his sage advice, you wouldn’t know that accidentally hitting yourself in the face during a blowjob is bad.
“What’s the best reference I could make in a jokey [presumably] article about blowjobs? What really connects to the audience of ‘Your Tango’? Why, Edmund Hillary, of course!” – a totally believable thought sequence someone had, apparently.