Calendar Girl (May) Chapter 8: Mia Gives Her Little Sister Sex Tips

Calendar Girl (May): Chapter 8

The chapter opens mid-sex scene because Audrey Carlan’s being pretty open about how nothing else is gonna happen in the actual story this month. Here are the horrifying highlights:

  • “Oh God, no!” I screamed. “No more. I can’t any… Oh sweet… Fuck me!”
  • [He] sucked another orgasm from me.
  • He’d eaten me raw.

Tai’s dirty talk is properly traumatic too:

  • “Yeah, nice and easy. Get my dick fucking wet with that juicy pussy.”
  • “Aw year, girlie. You like to feel me splitting your flower open. Nothin’ better.”
  • “What? What do you want? You have to ask for it, haole.”

Oh, yeah, Audrey Carlan really hasn’t figured out how to not write non-fetishy interracial sex scenes. At. All.

“Fuck me with your Big. Samoan. Fat. Cock!”

Literally every single chapter of this novella that I’ve had to write a post for, including next week (spoilers), I’ll have had to talk about fetishization and race. This book is zero for five. That’s not a good sign.

“You ready to walk funny tomorrow, huh, girlie?” He goaded.
“Is my ass white?”

WHO. TALKS. LIKE. THIS. DURING. SEX.

In the morning, Mia sneaks back from Tai’s bungalow to the one she’s sharing with her sister and Gin, only to find that her sister was already up. And has been.

“Did you not know that the guest room shares a wall… with Tai’s bed!” She laughed so hard, he entire face turned beet red with the effort.

This isn’t even the awkward part. Like… you don’t even know how much this, which is super super awkward, is not even the awkward part.

Maddy twirled a finger around the rim of the cup. “Matt and I have had, you know, sex, like ten times, and it’s never been like that.” Her face had that rosy hue as she focused on her cup. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it always feels really, really good, but I’m never screaming out. Maybe I’m doing something wrong?”

THAT’S RIGHT, THIS CHAPTER IS MIA GIVING HER LITTLE SISTER SEX TIPS.

Somehow, Audrey Carlan looked at what she’d covered in the first four Calendar Girl books and decided that where the story needed to go next was Mia telling her little sister how to sex good. This was an actual thing that came up in her decision making process, and decided, “yep, this sounds good.”

Sigh. Ok. We’re… we’re gonna do this…

“I’ve never heard Matt scream out in pleasure. He usually just tells me he loves me and grunts a little.”

…………..lord give me strength.

I banged my head onto the counter a few times. […] Times like these made me hate our mother even more. She should be the one having these conversations with her daughter, not me.

As the conversation begins and we see what exactly it is that Mia thinks a mother generally tells her daughter about sex… I’m skeptical.

“Okay. With men, I’ve found that they like an active partner. So don’t just lie there. Touch, kiss, do what feels natural.”

Dear blog readers. Please understand that this is strictly for research purposes about normal human behavior, so don’t take this question the wrong way, but, uh, did your parents talk to you about sex like this?

“How do you tell them that you want to try something else?” […]
“Talk about it when you’re alone but not having sex. […] Tell him, or, better yet, when you’re on the couch, just hop up in his lap and straddle him. Then, you know… ride him that way.” I gagged in the back of my throat and swallowed. Fuck, this was hard.

Am I way off-base for thinking this is not a normal parent-kid sex talk? 

Now, granted, one thing that’s (weirdly) sort of nice (I said “weirdly”) about this is that this does show how much Mia struggles with having to assume a parental role for her little sister. I do like that this scene captures how Mia tackles this unconvential situation but wants to do her best by her sister. But also… this fucking scene you guys.

“Men like that? A woman on top in their lap?”
I nodded. […] “It will be good for you, too. Just take it slow because it’s deeper that way.”
“Deeper!” Her eyes got wide. “I already feel like Matt is splitting me in half!” […]
At least her soon-to-be hubby wasn’t lacking in the genitalia department.

Inherent weirdness of this insanely forced scene aside, I do really like that Mia’s emphasizing that her pleasure is important. And some of this is – get this – actually good sex advice:

“You know, you guys need to just explore one another. Do what feels right, and who cares what others do or how they do it […] What you have with Matt is between the two of you […] You don’t need me telling you how to please a man.”

Which is, of course, Gin’s cue to show up from her own walk of shame and start telling her best friend’s sister how to give blow jobs.

I shrugged her off. “I hate you.”
“You fucking love me!” She pulled my hand up and bit along my arm, making nom nom noises like Pac Man, until I laughed […] Gin just had a way about her.

Yeah, I’m still not seeing it, book.

The chapter ends with Gin telling Maddy to “let him tug on your hair and fuck your face” before Mia literally throws Gin into the ocean, which is the first time in five books that Mia has had an interaction with Gin that I’ve understood.

2+
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6 comments

  1. Jennifer Layton

    I think this chapter just turned me frigid. I don’t want anyone sucking orgasms out of me or eating me raw. Thanks a lot, Audrey Carlan. Religious groups wanting to promote abstinence-only programs just need to read this book to teenagers.

    5+
  2. Pip

    So I have a sister, not as old as Maddy, granted, but her and me are four years apart, like Mia and her sister. And I cannot imagine ever talking to her about sex like that. It’s just too weird and creepy. Idk maybe some people do talk to their siblings like this, but I’m getting the feeling Carlan was an only child.

    5+
  3. Sue W

    Poor Tia. Mia just has to remind him that he’s little more than the latest addition to her collection of ethnic fetishes.

    1+
    • matthewjulius Post author

      A diverse collection that features: white dude and white dude from Europe

      7+
  4. Madeline

    “Aw year, girlie. You like to feel me splitting your flower open. Nothin’ better.”

    How am I suppose to clean up all the vomit that came out from this?

    8+
  5. wordswithhannah

    Talk about it when you’re alone but not having sex.

    I know the important part of this sentence is “but not having sex”, yet I still got the mental image of them at dinner with his parents and she says “So, honey, what would you like to try in bed next?”

    This being Calendar Girl, I’m sure his parents would be so enthused about it that they’d start pitching ideas for them.

    3+

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