It’s a wrap for the fifth Calendar Girl book! And it’s the correct week this time! Lucky you, everyone who caught this when it posted early last week. Sorry about, uh, spoiling the… story? Guess what the fifth Calendar Girl had in common with the fifth House of Night book? I have no idea what the plot was supposed to be.
Calendar Girl (May): Chapter 10
A taxi picks up Maddy and Gin to go to the airport. Mia gives Maddy a charm bracelet with a charm that says “sister” on it so they’ll always think of each other. Gin doesn’t get a line of dialogue. And thus ends the one month so far they actually got to tag along for, which they barely featured in and didn’t undergo any character development whatsoever. So glad they tagged along to do… whatever they did.
“I’ll wear it every day because I miss you every day. I love you, Mia. You’re the only one I can’t live without.”
…didn’t this whole subplot get started because Maddy’s getting married? So how is Mia the “only”…
Mia’s aunt/boss calls to give her her next assignment.
“Sorry I didn’t call you sooner. I actually hadn’t had you booked for June until today.”
That admission sent a ribbon of fear rushing through me. I could not have a month off. I had to pay Blaine, or he’d kill my father and go after Maddy.
It almost seems like if the stakes are so high… maybe spending said money to bring Maddy and your best friend to Hawaii with you didn’t make any sense. Not just financially. Like, for your character and motivations.
“That scares the shit out of me, Millie. What do you mean? The last e-mail I got from you said I was booked up for the year.”
“Yes, all but June at that point.”
It’s almost a shame that Aunt Millie only pops up once a book, because having a chronic liar in the fold would certainly liven up this dreadfully boring story. Aunt Millie explains that she wasn’t worried because Mia’s left quite an impression on her former clients: Alec had actually reached out to say that he’d take any month where Mia had a cancellation. And that’s not all!
“[Wes] said to call him if any monetary problems arose or you needed assistance in any way. Interesting how your first two clients made a point to ensure your well-being.”
Millie’s news immediately gets way worse though.
“Unfortunately, I can’t promise a stud [this month]. This situation might feel a bit icky, but I promise you, you don’t have to sleep with him, and he’s a really nice guy.”
“Ugh. Is he a dog face?” […]
“No, not at all. […] I’d hit that so fast your head would spin.”
“Wait a minute. You would hit that?” […] My nerves hit epid proportions. Liquid courage was definitely necessary. I made it over to the kitchen and pulled out the Malibu Rum, poured a shot, and sucked it back, chasing it with a huge bite of fresh pineapple.
The only unexpected and strange part of all of this is that Mia just has sliced pineapple lying around for some reason.
Millie isn’t immediately forthcoming and tries to change the topic (for some reason, since telling Mia about her clients is literally her only job), but eventually Mia makes her admit that the client is in his fifties or sixties, to which Mia thinks “Just when I was starting to love this job, I get a pervy old guy”. I have no idea why this possibility is only just now occurring to her.
“Mostly he wanted a woman of your caliber to attend functions with him. Apparently, if you’re old DC money, you have to have a hot trophy girlfriend. He has several senators and investors to schmooze”
Oh god I hate June so much already.
“He’s working on something that has him lobbying for a type of government historical building he needs to amass support for. Blah blah. Does it really matter?”
This might be the most honest a blog book has ever been about the quality of its story.
Millie stresses that the client was very explicit that he wasn’t interested in any sexual relationship with Mia, and Mia feels a bit of relief. She gets the name of the client and realizes that he’s the father of a senator from California.
“Now that guy is hot. Youngest senator in history at thirty-five, right?”
“You got it, dollface. And last I checked… he was unattached.”
…oh my god, Mia’s hookup in the next book is going to be a fucking United States senator, isn’t it?
Now the son had possibilities.
Seriously how has the paparazzi not noticed this woman flitting from celebrity artist to celebrity athlete to celebrity chef etc etc etc how does this not exist in the world of Calendar Girl
Later that day, Mia has a farewell dinner with Tai, who’s actually very sad to see her go. He tells her he’s never met a woman like her. Mia tells him they’re “going to keep in touch by phone, text, and e-mail”, which is weirdly specific. Tai is so overjoyed that he gets up to order champagne and accidentally knocks over a waitress, tries to catch her, but ends up falling on top of her. So I guess we’ve solved Tai’s problem that he hasn’t met his soulmate yet.
A lengthy blonde […] pushed a hand through her hair, and that’s when I noticed a pair of startling green eyes.
Mia spells out that this is the really real ending, because it was so subtle.
Holy hell. This was his girl. Blonde hair, kissed by the sun. Green eyes the exact color of brand new cut grass.
For long moments, he just stared at her face. The girl didn’t move a muscle, focused solely on him. […] Tai petted her bottom lip with his thumb. “You’re bleeding.”
She flicked her tongue out to lick her lip and ended up licking Tai’s thumb. They both gasped in unison, only Tai’s sounded far more feral and growly alpha male […] This was almost better than watching a movie because it was live.
“It was better than a fake thing because it was a real thing!” Thanks for explaining, Mia.
They end up exchanging names and numbers, totally interested in each other, although the girl is very confused what Mia’s relationship is with Tai. Mia says they’re just friends and… continues to be really weird about what gets total strangers off.
“Oh, hey, Amy?” I called. She turned around. “One last thing. How do you feel about tattoos?”
She walked close to me, whispered in my ear, thanked me, and strutted off […]
“What the fuck did she say to you?” [Tai asked.]
“She loves them. Says they make her so hot. And get this… […] The entire left side of her back, dipping down to her ass, is covered in a tattoo. […] Cherry blossom branches with the blooms and sprigs all running sexily up her back and down to her ass. Hot, right?”
How fucking long was this girl whispering to a total stranger about the intricate details of her tattoo on her ass for?
Tai points out that, hey, isn’t this it kind of weird that the girl he’s been fucking for a month just wingmanned him through the next girl he’s going on a date with. Mia admits to the reader that she doesn’t really care because Tai “needed someone and pronto”, so she tells him it’s chill.
“Yeah, and it stops after tonight. You’re going to send me off with a night I’ll never forget [and] then tomorrow, you’ll start your new life. […] She is your forever!”
You know, one person’s “nah, it’s chill” is another person’s “I’m so excited for you to go on a date with someone we decided is your soulmate because she has two physical attributes from your mom’s magic dream about your soulmate! Now fuck me.”
The story wraps up the way it always does: Mia writes a letter to the man she met this month (usually the client, this time Tai) to talk about what she learned from her experience and what the theme of the story was this month. Which is especially great this month because… nothing happened in this book… so…
So what was the theme and Mia’s character development supposed to be?
Tai, my sinfully sexy Samoan
It sure wasn’t about not fetishizing people of color.
When I came here, I was down about a lot of things. My family, my relationships, and my work. You changed that for me.
I learned to enjoy what life brings as it comes. To just “go with it”.
You reminded me that I’m young and still have plenty of time to figure out what my forever feels like.
Ok, now I know this book is fucking with me. How exactly did the guy who spent the entire book complaining about how he hasn’t met his soulmate yet convey this message to Mia? Seriously, the closest thing we had to a plot in this book was Tai puttering around wishing for meaning in his life vis a vis a woman. That actually makes him the dude least suited to help Mia learn to “just go with it”.
Taking my advice and just “going with it,” I lay back in my seat on the airplane and instantly dreamed of white stone steps, phallic symbols in the sky, and a dead marble president who sat in his chair silently watching over a concrete city.
Is Mia’s next client a dystopian young adult novel because jesus, this does not make DC sound like a great tourist destination.