Calendar Girl (August) Chapter 1: Seriously, Guys, Wes is a Villain, Right?

Calendar Girl (August) Chapter 1:

Mia arrives for her visit with Wes, and he is immediately gross and off-putting which to Mia is a turn-on for some reason:

He shook his head and smacked my ass, hard. I’d be rubbing that imprint for a while. “Get in, sweetheart. Time’s a-wasting, and I want to fuck you before I feed you.”


“Sweetheart, I’m all yours for the taking. Any way you want it, you can have it. As long as that tight cunt is wrapped around my cock, I’ll take any orders you throw out.”

A pleasure as always, Wes.

Hearing Wes say the word cock was like zapping my clit with a white hot poker.

Okay, so clearly the intention is to convey how turned on Mia is, but it actually sounds terrifying and incredibly painful which is the effect his words should be having. Intentional fallacy at its finest.

“Fuck your hot mouth.” He thrust, his hand holding me fast on his dick.


“Take it,” he snarled, thrusting again as if he were mad at me for sucking his cock.

“So good.” His teeth clenched as he retreated again. “Once more down your throat, baby.”

Wes has definitely gotten progressively creepier during sex. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I do need to go back to book one to double-check this, but I just have no recollection of being this grossed out by him. Like honest to god, read this next part, it is fucking frightening:

“God, I missed this cunt. Love your pussy, baby. Want to die here. One day, when we’re ninety, I’ll die fucking you. Just. Like. This.”

“Forget having our burial plots side by side, I want to be buried inside of you, Mia. I want our gravestone to immortalise your vagina in the most disgusting ways possible. In fact, I’ll just get this engraved on it:”

“Want your pussy squeezing my cock in that vise. Want to come with your cunt on lockdown. Together, sweetheart.”

Because “cunt on lockdown” is goddamn poetry.

Anyway, they arrive back at Wes’ house, and his ex-nanny/housekeeper/actually-still-kind-of-nanny stars in the rest of the chapter as the creepy, villainous witch from a disney film.

“I am so very pleased to see you, love.” Her English accent was sweet and made every word that fell from her lips sound like sugar and spice and everything nice.

I include this seemingly boring-ass quote to set the stage for why I find this woman so scary. All her words may sound lovely, but I can assure you, the content of them is anything but.

So everything goes fine at first when they’re chitchatting about food, but as soon as the conversation takes a turn for the Mia/Wes situation, things get hella weird.

First, she asks Mia weird, roundabout questions about what she’s been doing since book one for the sole purpose of sussing out whether she’s been dating/sleeping with anyone else and then asking about what’s going on with her and Wes.

“I guess you could say that Wes and I have come to an agreement. We’re together.”

“Together.” Her tone was accusatory, and I didn’t understand why, and then she added a full-on harrumph. What happened between walking in, hugs galore, and dinner offers, to an all-out attitude problem?

I do like that Mia isn’t the type to let this fly, so she asks if there’s a problem. Judi switches gears and goes super passive aggressive saying that nothing’s wrong and asking how Mia got that impression.

“Uh, you’re acting a little off, Judi. Did I say something that offended you?” Judi leaned forward and patted my hand that was resting on the counter.

“Not at all, love. It’s just that I know when you left, my Sonny missed you terribly. Then that snobby woman came around now and again, and I worried.”

Okay. Okay I’m going to come at this from two angles. The first being that this was a shitty way to bring Gina up, and this lady is one hell of a shit-stirrer. The second angle is that it’s weird she’s referring to Gina as “that snobby woman” when she is apparently a super famous movie star, and regardless of that, Judi would probably have learned her name given how nosy and involved with Wes’ life she is.

Ah, I see. “Gina. It’s okay. I know all about her.”

“And you don’t care?” Her eyelids slanted into slits.

Oh my god this lady makes Mia look like a completely rational person. So Judi was trying to rile her up by bringing up Gina/blatantly playing games? To what end! WHAT IS JUDI’S ENDGAME? I wish I could tell you that’s the end of that, but for some reason Mia feels she owes this rude asshole an explanation and calmly explains the agreement she and Wes had.

She shrugged. “It’s none of my business, but I do like to see the smile on my boy’s face when he walks in with you on his arm…”

“Let me get you to reveal very personal information that is none of my business and then I will tell you it’s none of my business.” Housekeeper-in-law from hell!


Judi then reveals that she and a few other “helpers” are going to Mia’s apartment tomorrow to move all of her stuff into Wes’ place. Mia is understandably baffled by this turn of events:

“Um, what?” Shaking my head did not help me assimilate any faster what she’d inferred. “He wants me to box up my apartment and move in, move in? As in, move into this house permanently?”

Her eyebrows narrowed. “Isn’t that obvious?”

Clearly not! Don’t you narrow your eyes at Mia like she’s the one with the issue here.

Mia continues to have super reasonable responses and tells Judi to please cancel those plans as she needs to discuss this with Wes first. In response, Judi laughs in her face and tells her she’ll be ready to pack at ten the next day.

This time I was the one with the narrowed gaze. “I’m telling you it isn’t happening.”

Judi chuckled. “Okay, honey, you go ahead and believe that.”


“Love, I’ve been with Weston a long time. Since he was a wee one. There are very few things that he doesn’t get when he sets his mind to having them. You would do well to learn that now. If you are what he wants, you are what he will have, or he’ll die trying.

shocked gif.gif

See?? Spoken like a true fairytale villain.

Also like I’m sorry but how is Wes going to die trying to convince Mia to move in with him and will it involve dying in Mia’s vagina as previously discussed?

Mia goes back to being an idiot and decides this is kind of flattering, and when Wes walks in he convinces her right away that this is a good idea. He is not at all apologetic that he didn’t discuss this with Mia first or anything, and Mia seems equally unconcerned by this troubling behaviour. Judi just stands there smirking because she was right, and apparently this was an appropriate conversation to have in front of her.

“Everything is just right, Sonny.” She glanced my way and winked. I wanted to hate her for being right, but I couldn’t.

Honestly, I am scared for Mia living in this house with two obviously unstable people who are in cahoots. RUN, MIA, RUN! Even the shady guy who hired you to pretend to be his missing sister this month sounds like a better option here.



  1. callmeIndigo Reply

    Wait a second…
    “Her eyebrows narrowed. “Isn’t that obvious?””
    I have some questions about Audrey Carlan’s experience of eyebrows.

  2. Andreas Reply

    Somehow I imagine Judi as a mix of Shrek IIs Fairy Godmother and Kathy Bates Annie from Misery. Who has an asexual borderline-incestuous relationship with Wes, as if Mother actually possessed Norman Bates, who’s ready to lock Mia in his basement because she WILL do what he wants: “It puts the dick in its cunt or it gets the hose again!”

    I might have watched a certain brand of movie this weekend, yes. Why do you ask?

  3. Jennifer Layton Reply

    I would definitely predict that Wes is the bad guy, except that I know this author loves 50 Shades. There are so many erotica styles that don’t turn me on but at least I do get the appeal, but this business of controlling a woman when she is protesting just doesn’t work for me. Especially when she changes her mind immediately afterward when she’s feeling aroused again.

  4. matthewjulius Reply

    “Cunt On Lockdown” sounds like a high school punk band composed entirely of boys who can’t play their instruments

    • Madeline Reply

      Their hit track is “Mom Won’t Let Me Get A Cock Ring.”

  5. Madeline Reply

    I want to start a betting pool on how many chapters it takes for Judi to call Mia “dearie” in a creaky witch voice. My choice is three.

  6. taintedempath Reply

    …Did Wes get possessed or something since the first book? Is Judi actually a witch who has captured his soul and is using his body for one of her demon familiars so that she can secretly live off his wealth?? Did he have a Freaky Friday with Christian Grey?????


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