The Blob That Ate Everyone Chapter 22:
When we last left off, Adam wrote that the Blob Monster was hiding in Zackie’s basement. They hear loud thuds as someone or something comes up the stairs and to Zackie’s room.
A beam of white light made me shut my eyes.
My hands shot up to shield myself.
Behind the beam of light, a large, dark figure lumbered heavily through the door. “Dad!” I gasped.
Yes, as I’m sure you’ve all already guessed, the blob is Zackie’s real father. It’s the greatest Goosebumps twist of all time.
Okay, but actually, dad was just downstairs trying to figure out how to turn the lights back on.
“We were looking for you,” Alex said. “We shouted down to the basement for you.”
“I went across the street to check on your mother. Then I went into the back room of the basement,” Dad replied. “I guess I couldn’t hear you.”
So had he really not disappeared? The rules haunted typewriter are still unclear 22 chapters in.
Alex and Zackie ask dad if he was alone in the basement, and he is understandable bewildered by this line of questioning. The kids decide to go down to the basement to investigate themselves.
Chapter 23:
They go down to the basement. At first they don’t see anything…but suddenly they hear suspicious sounds. Zackie is immediately like, “IT MUST BE THE BLOB MONSTER!’
Chapter 24:
Alex nodded. Her mouth had dropped open in shock. She gripped the candlestick in both hands.
Slap… slap…
Is the Blob Monster masturbating?
“What are we going to do?” I whispered.
“It’s waiting for fresh meat,” Alex murmured.
“I know. I know!” I groaned. “You don’t have to say it.” I pulled her arm. “Come on. We have to tell Dad.”
They decide to return upstairs having accomplished nothing.
Chapter 25:
Before they can leave, the lights suddenly turn on:
I blinked hard, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the bright ceiling light.
Slap… slap…
We both turned to the far wall to see the Blob Monster.
And stared at a pale white hand slapping against the wall beneath the open basement window. A hand?
Slap… slap…
“It—it’s a rubber glove!” Alex exclaimed.
Oh my god…it’s been 25 chapters. Where is the real Blob Monster already?
Zackie and Alex decide that they were wrong about the typewriter.
This next bit is so weird. We jump to a new scene, and Zackie’s mother asks him to pick up some groceries. We get a weird amount of detail about this random little grocery store, and the chapter ends with Zackie noticing “an enormous side of beef” hanging from the ceiling.
The cow swung further, to the right, then back.
I watched it swinging on its rope, swinging heavily from side to side. And then I heard a harsh, whispered voice:
“Fresh meat… Fresh meat…”
I have no idea what’s going on, but I know for a fact it is not scary.
Chapter 26:
For some inexplicable reason, Adam was hiding behind this meat counter whispering, “Fresh meat…” Other children also climb out from behind the counter and laugh at Zackie.
Where the fuck is the Blob Monster? Can he show up and end this fuckery?
The owner of the store rightfully tells these idiots to get out if they’re not buying anything. Zackie is so upset he heads home to furiously write a new Blob Monster story.
I was paying everyone back. Paying the whole town back.
“Y es!”
It was the most exciting, most terrifying story I ever wrote. I wrote page after page.
This is actually pretty scary when you realize Zackie has just snapped after so much bullying. I know it was silly bullying, but still. Maybe The Blob That Ate Everyone is a deeper story than we realized.
Zackie’s mom comes into his room and tells him he has to go back to the store because he forgot something. Outside is utter chaos. People are running everywhere and shouting to call the police. Zackie sees something and is so startled, he falls off his bike. I swear to God if it’s a fucking bird or something, I’m done here.
Chapter 27:
My heart pounding in my chest, I brushed myself off.
And gaped at the enormous, pink Blob Monster throbbing on the next corner.
FINALLY! IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Although now that I’ve seen that this story is an allegory about the dangers of bullying, this reveal feels hollow.
Zackie tries to…shout at the Blob Monster? He thinks since he created it, he might be able to get through to it. Instead of having an emotional breakthrough, the monster just tries to eat him. Luckily, some police offers are at the ready:
Two dark-uniformed police officers leaped in front of me. They had their nightsticks raised.
With angry cries, they both began pounding the throbbing creature.
POUND. POUND. POUND.
The nightsticks made a soft plopping sound with each hit.
What the! Nightsticks? This takes place in America, right? I never thought I’d say this, but where are their guns? Anyway, they free Zackie but are then heroically devoured by the monster.
Zackie remembers that the next thing that happens in the story is that the Blob Monster follows him home. Why did he write that in the first place?
“With angry cries, they both began pounding the throbbing creature.”
Hee Hee.
What, you’re the one that brought up masturbation.