I finally figured out how to view the “other” answers that were written in for the polls, and readers, you are hilarious. When asked what would make this book more interesting, some of you answered:
- “Ana giving oral sex to a carrot?”
- “If christian were a wizard marshian intent on bringing her back to his planet.”
- “If Ana was actually diagnosed with schizophrenia.”
and
- “Knowing the size of his penis. Also, police on fire with bananas.”
- To quote the talented Jenna Maroney of 30 Rock–you, readers, you’re the real stars.
- On another note, my favorite search of the week has to be, “In what novel does the phrase ‘laters baby’ first appear.” That sounds like a really lame Jeopardy question, and I love it.
Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter Summaries
Chapter 16:
We finally get our first glimpse into the reasoning behind the title of this book as Ana and Christian share a post-coital snuggle. Ana again asks why Christian doesn’t like to be touched, to which he responds, “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.” I guess that would have been the title, a better one at that, if you were allowed to drop the f-bomb on the cover of books.
Then Christian says this, “‘Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me,’ he boasts, playful again.” I see. So she’s not just pretty, but also has the ability to orgasm? Someone alert the media, this is groundbreaking information. Also the fact that he’s counting her orgasms is peculiar, but Ana finds it positively thrilling.
But then, Christian’s orgasm senses start tingling, and he gets all suspicious that Ana came without him. Not even Edward Cullen possessed that kind of orgasm-detecting ability, and he was a straight up vampire! Ana craps and double craps left and right as she begins to tell Christian about her wet dream.
Christian doesn’t disappoint in the lame reaction department, “There’s hope for you yet…I have several riding crops.” What about Levis?
After some more banter, Ana eventually rolls her eyes at something stupid Christian says, and he wasn’t joking earlier when he said she’d be getting a spanking if she kept rolling her eyes at him. “I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard.” Very ew.
I know I’m always saying how uncomfortable this book makes me, but this scene really took me to a new place of discomfort and misery. There’s a mirror next to my bed, and I looked over at myself only to find a completely mortified Ariel staring back at me. I felt somewhat less alone.
These are probably the three expressions I wear the most while reading this book:
And wouldn’t you know it, I’m barely three pages into chapter sixteen and I’ve done all three. Mostly because of things like this line, “I want to beg him to stop. But I don’t. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.” I think the spanking part is giving him satisfaction, not you begging him to stop. Damn, this is disturbing stuff.
“The feeling is beyond exquisite, raw and debasing and mind-blowing.” Okay then.
‘”Oh, baby,” he breathes. “Welcome to my world.'” WHY ARE THESE WORDS IN FRONT OF ME?
Ana is relieved afterwards, thinking, “Boy…I survived.” When was her survival ever in question? And if it was, why was she allowing this to happen?
Ana muses about how Christian told her she’d feel better after a good hiding (sidenote: I always imagine a rousing game of hide and seek when I see this. If only it were so), and she thinks, “I really don’t get it. But strangely I do.” Okay, so you really don’t not get it, Ana? My head hurts.
Christian leaves, and Ana calls her mom so she can angst to someone outside of her own head. But I just need to say something to Ana right now. Look, Ana, I’ve been hanging out with you for awhile now, and I need you to shut the fuck up. You like him, he likes you, you’ve already agreed to try things his way, and you can leave if you really want to since the contract isn’t legally binding. Just shut up already and try to enjoy yourself.
So Ana’s mom gives a lot of cliche love platitudes about not letting men get to you and stuff. Then Kate comes in and says her sassy line, “‘Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again?'” Man, what a low blow, attacking Christian’s wealth like that.
Kate asks why Ana is being weird about sitting down, and in typical battered woman fashion, Ana claims she “fell over and landed on my behind.”
Christian and Ana then have a bizarre conversation via e-mail, which is nothing new. Christian tells Ana she better not drive her piece of shit car again because he fears for her safety in it. Ana is confused because how is she going to get rid of the car if she can’t drive it to a garage to sell it. Christian explains that Taylor, the man who works for him, is going to sell it for her. This is where the conversation is just freaking odd.
Ana: I am intrigued that you are happy to risk letting your right-hand man drive my car but not some woman you fuck occasionally.
Christian: Taylor is ex-army and capable of driving anything from a motorcycle to a Sherman tank. Your car does not present a hazard to him. Now please do not refer to yourself as “some woman I fuck occasionally” because, quite frankly, it makes me MAD, and you really wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
There is a lot of alarming shit in there. First is Ana’s clear emotional manipulation, second is Christian’s implied insults about Ana’s driving abilities (I mean, come on, she’s been driving this old car for awhile and it seems to have treated her fine. Why is he acting like she is in so much danger?), and finally Christian’s creepy threats.
But then it gets more emotionally manipulative and uncomfortable. Ana says she’s not sure she likes Christian because “you never stay with me.” And because he is creepy? We’re not gonna mention that? Okay.
Ana starts crying about the same nonsense again, when she hears Kate shouting at someone (who is obviously Christian) that he can’t come in and Ana cries all the time since she’s met him. I kind of wish this book was from Kate’s point of view because then at least we’d have her normal relationship with Elliot and get to actively despise Christian with the protagonist on our side. But I guess it would be more Lifetime than HBO if it was from Kate’s point of view. Ya just can’t win, can you?
How the hell does Christian keep getting into their house so easily? He seems very concerned about the state of Ana’s car, but apparently any random man can just burst in “unceremoniously” and cause a ruckus.
Kate is “radiating thermonuclear hostility”, so you know shit just got real.
And the line of the chapter goes to Mr. Grey himself. “I’m sure I’m responsible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?” It’s always so bewildering when violence causes tears.
Their conversation is centered around why Christian gets off on the punishing aspect of this whole arrangement. He likes control and wants Ana to be a certain way. Check one for abusive relationship. He swears he thinks Ana’s lovely, he just wants her to be “courteous and to follow the set of rules I’ve given you and not defy me. Simple.” Check two for abusive relationship.
“Oh, Anastasia, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?” Like Cheetos, Christian Grey is dangerously cheesy. Or dangerous and cheesy, both ways are accurate.
So they cuddle and go to sleep together, and I have the sobering realization that I have another chapter to do for this post.
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Chapter 17:
There is another titular reference in this chapter! “I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat.” This is in reference to their cuddlefest. Super adorbs, you guys. Aren’t you jealous you’re not reading all the cute deets of their snuggle sesh?
He leaves because he’s going to be late for a meeting, so of course Ana then goes to e-mail him. The subject of her message titled “Assault and Battery: The After-Effects.” Fucked. Up. Seriously fucked up.
Otherwise, the discussion is actually pretty interesting. Ana explains why she’s so conflicted about the spanking incident. She’s embarrased that she kind of liked it, and Christian asks her to try to embrace what she’s actually feeling instead of worrying about how she should be feeling. I guess basically he’s telling her not to worry about what some English major bloggers think of her and to just own it. That’s pretty cool, but I still think he’s a super duper creepster.
Christian also points out that she never used their safeword. This is actually foreshadowing. I’m not saying it’s well done, but I know the end of the book, and this is definitely foreshadowing. Don’t worry, the ending is just as stupid as we were all hoping for hilarity’s sake.
Ana gets to work, and there’s a package for her. It’s a BlackBerry because Christian needs to be able to contact her at all times. Thank god it’s not an Iphone, that’s all I can say. The last thing I need is this book ruining my new baby for me.
Ana’s last day at Claytons is described without much detail. They give her a three hundred dollar bonus, hug her a lot, and the whole BlackBerry thing happened. She’s like, “Good times, peace out.” And no one awkwardly hits on her. All in all, it was a successful page for everyone involved.
Taylor comes to get the old car, Kate is sassy about the new car, Jose comes over for Chinese food. I don’t know how James thinks of these outrageous twists and turns. Elliot shows up to see Kate, and “He seizes her in a Hollywood-style clinch that moves quickly into a European art house embrace.” So Jose and Ana get the hell out of dodge and go to a bar. It makes perfect sense to return to the scene of an almost-sexual assault with the man who attempted the sexual assault in question.
If you guessed “nothing”, congratulations, you are correct! James just skips completely over the whole scene, and the next thing you know, Ana is whining about how loud Kate and Elliot are in the sack.
Ana has a bunch of missed calls from Christian, and he’s all, “You didn’t call when you said you were gonna call.” But then she calls and there’s a stupid round of, “You hang up, no you hang up.” God, this book is serious food for bulimia.
Christian sends the girls a bottle of champagne with a helicopter balloon attached to celebrate their new digs.
Ana goes to see Christian on Sunday, and he shows her a picture of them from graduation that made it into the papers. That’s fine, but then Christian is like, “I scheduled a gynecologist to come check you out so you can get some contraception and we can forget about these pesky condoms!” To be fair, he told her he was going to do this back in sixteen or something, but I didn’t realize that would be a relevant plot point; I figured it would happen off-book. But, alas, we get this:
“You’re not going to come with me as well, are you?” I gasp, shocked.
He laughs. “I’d pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don’t think the good doctor would approve.
I repeat,
Why in the hell would he want to see this go down?
So, yeah, that’s how the chapter ends, and I can only pray we don’t get a belabored, detailed explanation of what happens to Ana during the examination.
Notes ‘n’ Quotes:
Chapter 16 Quotes:
-“I shut the machine down with a flourish I don’t really feel.” How does one shut a computer down with a flourish? Maybe I’ll make some sort of how-to video with half-salutes and half-waves, computers shutting with flourishes, writhing convulsively, contortions and more! Perhaps oral sex to asparagus will even come into play.
-“Hearing Christian speak about being hungry. What the hell is that all about?” Ana, like ten minutes ago you established that before he was adopted there was probably some issue with food that happened in his life. You can’t expect me to believe you are this fucking stupid. I mean, I do believe it, but I hate it.
-“His voice is so soft, menacing, and it’s damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire.” Throwing lots of words together will confuse readers into thinking it’s sexy!
Chapter 17 Quotes:
-“‘Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you. I can track your cell phone–remember'” Christian, always a gentleman.
-“We are too uncomfortable with the unrestrained sexing unfolding in front of us.” Hey, that’s exactly how I feel reading this book! What a surprisingly self-aware moment. Just kidding, James probably didn’t intend for that line to make my subconscious say, “Well done.”
-“Elliot stands and admires his handiwork.” is this a reference to Kate’s vagina? That would be hilarious. “He has replugged our TV into the satellite system in our Pike Place Market apartment.” I heard he replugged Kate’s TV last night, winky wink. “Kate and I flop onto the couch giggling, impressed by his prowess with a power drill.” Yeah, I bet Kate’s impressed with his power drill. Damn, that is a really swell name for a penis.
-“‘Are you hungry?”
‘Not for food,” I whisper, and his nostrils flare in reaction.”
So listen, guys, I’m starting work in a couple days, and my job is actually in Seattle! I could totally find my very own Christian Grey flavored popsicle penis! I hear that’s what happens when you journey to Seattle. Well, that or you either get a job as a doctor at Seattle Grace, move in with a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost, start dating a vampire, or try to solve Rosie Larson’s murder. Apparently I watch a lot of things that take place in Seattle.
Anyway, things are going to be a little cray cray for a bit, so I may have to do a chapter at a time. Aw, man, I know prolonging this book is gonna be tough on all of us!
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This…. is amazing. I keep going back and forth between wanting to read this (because everyone is talking about it and hey, erotica, why not, woo!) and not (because of its reputation for being terribly written), but if I can actually get this much enjoyment out of how terribly it’s written? SOLD!
(Just found this blog, will definitely be going back to read the older posts!)
Yeah, it’s great to be a part of a widespread pop-culture conversation, but when you realize that most people are actually into this, you just want to cry. But hey, I say go for it, because it really does make me laugh so hard I’m in tears sometimes.
So happy you’re enjoying the blog =)
This is awesome. I picked up Fifty Shades and read about 5 pages before I started getting angry at the terrible writing. And this is from someone who reads erotic fiction on a regular basis. BDSM in particular.
Also-Being Human takes place in Boston…If that’s what you were referring to.
Yeah, it’s such a shame that of all the erotic fiction out there, this is what got super popular.
Poo, I don’t know why I thought that was Seattle. Guess this means I won’t get to move in with a bunch of supernatural pals =/
but you can still solve Rosie’s murder! which reminds me, I gotta catch up on that soon. Annnnddd…you’ll be just across the border from the fabulous Vancouver, home of amazing people and great sights and good food, and me!
The more I read about what this book is about, the more convinced I become that James had some sordid internet role-playing fling and decided to play off the evidence as a story idea to her hubby. These email conversations are almost too random and bizarre to be a creation of one mind.
Conspiracy theory!! Or as close as we’re going to get to one with Fifty Shades. I love it! It’s true, though, they are the most puzzling exchanges.
I love these books even though they are poorly written, but this was absolutely hilarious! Thank you so much lmao!!
I’m glad that fans of the book can enjoy our mockery as well =) Thank you for the lovely comment!
I had been interested in kink but had never experienced it first hand (only one or so playful swats that I asked for) and so was very interested in seeing the movie. I saw it, read some portions of some of the books. It was not so much the writing (although some of it was comical – I opened the book in the store and let the pages fall randomly where they may and saw Ana’s inner goddess mentioned along with her inner freak(?) It was something about her freak anyway and I had read that these adjectives are overused in the book.). As I was saying the writing did not disturb me anywhere near the concept of BDSM. The whipping scene at the end bothered me so much, that I was thinking “Why on earth does someone who is supposedly in love with you want to hurt you?” Even if they don’t love you, why would someone desire to inflict pain on another? What do they get out of it? Why would someone put up with being hurt? Not only the infliction of the physical pain, but what about the control? His telling her what she can and cannot do. It made me so mad when he sold her car. How dare he? He had no right. And how did he even do this? Wouldn’t he have to have the title to do this? I did not read the specifics of how he managed to sell her car. I researched BDSM and other kink on the internet and by talking with someone else who said he was a sensualist, not a sadist, and not into extreme stuff. I saw things and heard things I can’t unsee and unhear. And brain bleach will not get rid of it. Nearly all of what I saw seemed depraved, in my opinion. At the least, physically and/or emotionally, mentally, abusive, even though supposedly Safe, Sane, Consensual. Abusive on the part of the sadist and as to the masochist – she or he seems to have no feeling of self worth to allow someone to humiliate them, control them, hurt them. They don’t seem right in the head to think that by giving someone control over them, somehow “frees” them. And that this has anything to do with “trust”. I read that these subs want someone to free them from making their own choices and having the Dom take care of them. That they need someone disciplining and punishing them if they disobey or do some minor offense. There is even “maintenance discipline”. I read that there are Doms and subs who are in committed loving relationships. This is Love? Taking advantage of someone’s low self worth for their own sick amusement? And the one getting whipped on and controlled – they want this and think they deserve brutally beaten if they mess up and displease their Dom? They both need therapy.
Now, the sensualist I was talking to told me he was into creating sensations and releasing endorphins and that he enjoyed giving those to the other person. He sent me an article which described in part the physiological aspect of getting spanked. It made some sense. It described how to do this and explained that the spanking increased blood flow to the genitals and that it was arousing, released endorphins, made sex hot, orgasms easier and more intense. And that the sensualist got the pleasure of giving pleasure. There was also something described called subspace which I had never heard of – and I had heard of a lot of sexual things (although some of the things that I had previously thought sexual – some people involved in these practices say that sometimes it has nothing to do with sex – I was really confused). Anyway, the concept of spanking being appealing, arousing and erotic and highly sexual made some sense. Along with some role play. Also makes sense. As long as this is not done to the point of brutality and controlling someone in an a**hole and douchebag Christian Grey kind of way as in 50 Shades. And, I almost always forget, as I did now and had to go back and insert this – it takes a sub allowing the treatment to make a Dom a sadistic control freak. Yes, it is just a book. But a book written about real life “scenarios”.
Oh, and after all my research, my opinion of how kinky I think I am has changed. I still want to experience some of what my sensualist friend had described about spanking (not beating or whipping) and sensual flogging. And the word flogging scared me until he described the extent and way he did it. I am on the very low end of the kink-o-meter. I may even be considered a vanilla wafer by the hardcore kinksters.
I am so mortified. I hope I did not disgust anyone or make them think – “That was weird for her to say that after she sounded like such a “nice normal gal” who is just slightly adventurous and who would not be into anything too kinky or gross. I’m talking about my using “vanilla wafer” in my previous comment above. I thought I was being cute and clever expanding on the term “vanilla”. I thought to look up vanilla wafer in Urban Dictionary – too bad I didn’t BEFORE I used the word. I was horrified and felt nauseated. I often worry about using any seemingly benign word or something I coin myself because of people who have to make a perfectly fine word into something sexual unbeknownst to the person who did not mean a sexual word, or in my case, I DID mean to refer to something sexual but to mean it as vanilla – sexually tame – and just thought the addition of the word “wafer” was cute and not the gross definition in Urban Dictionary. Sorry. I hope my comment above does not get rejected because of that. I did not mean it that yucky way.
How preposterous is it that in 50 Shades, Ana has reached the age of 22 and is a virgin, never had an orgasm, and most unbelievable of all has never ever even masturbated? Ana is very attractive and intelligent (well up until she puts up with some of Grey’s s***). She should not have had any trouble having many, many dates by the time she has reached the age of 22. Seriously?
O.K. So, we are to believe that a very pretty girl who has a lot going for her makes it through high school and college without dating? Maybe she did – I did not read that much of the book. I can’t believe she did not get asked for dates and/or she would not be interested in boys and dates and the things that happen when you like or think you love a boy and you are kissing and making out even if you don’t go all the way. Even if you holding off on sex till you get in a committed serious relationship or waiting till the wedding night, I would think a girl her age with normal desires would get all hot making out and would fantasize when alone and would touch herself.
Does this story take place back in the days of Little House On The Prairie or during some other Era when premarital sex was considered a very serious sin? When it was very important, expected, and moral to remain pure till married? And, in some religions and cultures it was sinful to touch yourself or think impure thoughts. Or, was it modern times – Was Ana Amish? Was she deeply religious? Brought up by strict parents or conservative or old fashioned traditional parents? Was she just not attracted enough to any of the boys/men she knew to – if not be dating them – to at least have crushes and fantasize and get aroused and touch herself? When Christian referred to Ana’s former lovers and she said she had no former lovers and he was flabbergasted, he asked her something – and sorry but I can’t recall exactly what he asked her – but she replied “waiting for you”. If a normal girl/woman who has normal girl/woman desires who has reached puberty and is dreaming of a future Prince Charming, she is going to dream of kissing him and making love and she is going to get aroused and do something for herself, by herself, in bed.
I am not making fun of anyone being a 22 year old virgin and thinking they are a prude. I waited till nearly 21 and felt I was in love and with the one I thought I would have a future with. However, before him, I did date others, kiss and embrace a lot, and had fantasies and….
I know of a few people who think you should wait till marriage or engagement or at least feel in love with the person before having sex. Admirable. That is feasible, although I’m thinking that is the minority of people in the U.S. Even among religious people. But I can’t buy the author making this character a woman who has never pleasured herself if not out of desire, then curiosity. And we find out that Ana is not at all some asexual person.
I have belabored this ONE point.
Preposterous, like I said before.
P.S. I guess the author is a multi-millionaire by now as well as famous, so all these bad reviews by us as well as the professional critics have not stopped her from laughing all the way to the bank……..
I read enough Harlequin Romances growing up and by now have had a multitude of my own personal romances and loves and experiences and fantasies that maybe if I set my mind to it……..He put his big strong hands around her tiny waist and pulled her to press against him. Her breath quickened and firm breasts heaved as she felt his manhood. His hands moved down to grasp her buttocks and lift her grinding his body against her body. He kissed her and she kissed him back with a passion she never felt before…….
Ana took her first spanking – I believe it was the first one – 18 slaps with his hand on her butt – for rolling her eyes at him after having been warned. I can see how spanking within reason would be a turn on but 18 was a bit much. It hurt but she was aroused when he was finished. Then she intensely enjoyed the sex afterward. He emailed her later asking how she liked it and she said she didn’t much care for it. He later found her crying about it and he said she was conflicted and should not feel shame for liking it. According to the author, it did turn her on. But I think she did not want quite 18 of those hard slaps to the butt. She made it through that first one and still stayed. In the last whipping scene – it was brutal whipping with a belt – she knew on the first strike that this was much more intense and he was f***** up to want to hurt her that way and yet she took 5 more strikes. I can’t for the life of me, get how a person would enjoy or feel a need to inflict pain on someone they supposedly love especially when they see that person (like her character) is not liking this and its hurting her not just physically but hurting her in her heart that this person she loves can do this to her. After the first strike, she should have stopped him there and kicked him in the balls before leaving……but maybe he would have liked the pain of getting kicked in the balls. LOL. By the way, cock and ball torture is really a thing. I had not known this until my research in the last few months. I had not known of any man who even wants to hear the words balls and torture in the same sentence.