I finally figured out how to view the “other” answers that were written in for the polls, and readers, you are hilarious. When asked what would make this book more interesting, some of you answered:

• “Ana giving oral sex to a carrot?”
• “If christian were a wizard marshian intent on bringing her back to his planet.”
• “If Ana was actually diagnosed with schizophrenia.”

and

• “Knowing the size of his penis. Also, police on fire with bananas.”
• To quote the talented Jenna Maroney of 30 Rock–you, readers, you’re the real stars.
• On another note, my favorite search of the week has to be, “In what novel does the phrase ‘laters baby’ first appear.” That sounds like a really lame Jeopardy question, and I love it.

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter Summaries 

Chapter 16:

We finally get our first glimpse into the reasoning behind the title of this book as Ana and Christian share a post-coital snuggle. Ana again asks why Christian doesn’t like to be touched, to which he responds, “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.” I guess that would have been the title, a better one at that, if you were allowed to drop the f-bomb on the cover of books.

Then Christian says this, “‘Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me,’ he boasts, playful again.” I see. So she’s not just pretty, but also has the ability to orgasm? Someone alert the media, this is groundbreaking information. Also the fact that he’s counting her orgasms is peculiar, but Ana finds it positively thrilling.

But then, Christian’s orgasm senses start tingling, and he gets all suspicious that Ana came without him. Not even Edward Cullen possessed that kind of orgasm-detecting ability, and he was a straight up vampire! Ana craps and double craps left and right as she begins to tell Christian about her wet dream.

Christian doesn’t disappoint in the lame reaction department, “There’s hope for you yet…I have several riding crops.” What about Levis?

After some more banter, Ana eventually rolls her eyes at something stupid Christian says, and he wasn’t joking earlier when he said she’d be getting a spanking if she kept rolling her eyes at him. “I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard.” Very ew.

I know I’m always saying how uncomfortable this book makes me, but this scene really took me to a new place of discomfort and misery. There’s a mirror next to my bed, and I looked over at myself only to find a completely mortified Ariel staring back at me. I felt somewhat less alone.

These are probably the three expressions I wear the most while reading this book:

And wouldn’t you know it, I’m barely three pages into chapter sixteen and I’ve done all three. Mostly because of things like this line, “I want to beg him to stop. But I don’t. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.” I think the spanking part is giving him satisfaction, not you begging him to stop. Damn, this is disturbing stuff.

“The feeling is beyond exquisite, raw and debasing and mind-blowing.” Okay then.

‘”Oh, baby,” he breathes. “Welcome to my world.'” WHY ARE THESE WORDS IN FRONT OF ME?

Ana is relieved afterwards, thinking, “Boy…I survived.” When was her survival ever in question? And if it was, why was she allowing this to happen?

Ana muses about how Christian told her she’d feel better after a good hiding (sidenote: I always imagine a rousing game of hide and seek when I see this. If only it were so), and she thinks, “I really don’t get it. But strangely I do.” Okay, so you really don’t not get it, Ana? My head hurts.

Christian leaves, and Ana calls her mom so she can angst to someone outside of her own head. But I just need to say something to Ana right now. Look, Ana, I’ve been hanging out with you for awhile now, and I need you to shut the fuck up. You like him, he likes you, you’ve already agreed to try things his way, and you can leave if you really want to since the contract isn’t legally binding. Just shut up already and try to enjoy yourself.

So Ana’s mom gives a lot of cliche love platitudes about not letting men get to you and stuff. Then Kate comes in and says her sassy line, “‘Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again?'” Man, what a low blow, attacking Christian’s wealth like that.

Kate asks why Ana is being weird about sitting down, and in typical battered woman fashion, Ana claims she “fell over and landed on my behind.”

Christian and Ana then have a bizarre conversation via e-mail, which is nothing new. Christian tells Ana she better not drive her piece of shit car again because he fears for her safety in it. Ana is confused because how is she going to get rid of the car if she can’t drive it to a garage  to sell it. Christian explains that Taylor, the man who works for him, is going to sell it for her. This is where the conversation is just freaking odd.

Ana: I am intrigued that you are happy to risk letting your right-hand man drive my car but not some woman you fuck occasionally.

Christian: Taylor is ex-army and capable of driving anything from a motorcycle to a Sherman tank. Your car does not present a hazard to him. Now please do not refer to yourself as “some woman I fuck occasionally” because, quite frankly, it makes me MAD, and you really wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

There is a lot of alarming shit in there. First is Ana’s clear emotional manipulation, second is Christian’s implied insults about Ana’s driving abilities (I mean, come on, she’s been driving this old car for awhile and it seems to have treated her fine. Why is he acting like she is in so much danger?), and finally Christian’s creepy threats.

But then it gets more emotionally manipulative and uncomfortable. Ana says she’s not sure she likes  Christian because “you never stay with me.” And because he is creepy? We’re not gonna mention that? Okay.

Ana starts crying about the same nonsense again, when she hears Kate shouting at someone (who is obviously Christian) that he can’t come in and Ana cries all the time since she’s met him. I kind of wish this book was from Kate’s point of view because then at least we’d have her normal relationship with Elliot and get to actively despise Christian with the protagonist on our side. But I guess it would be more Lifetime than HBO if it was from Kate’s point of view. Ya just can’t win, can you?

How the hell does Christian keep getting into their house so easily? He seems very concerned about the state of Ana’s car, but apparently any random man can just burst in “unceremoniously” and cause a ruckus.

Kate is “radiating thermonuclear hostility”, so you know shit just got real.

And the line of the chapter goes to Mr. Grey himself. “I’m sure I’m responsible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?” It’s always so bewildering when violence causes tears.

Their conversation is centered around why Christian gets off on the punishing aspect of this whole arrangement. He likes control and wants Ana to be a certain way. Check one for abusive relationship. He swears he thinks Ana’s lovely, he just wants her to be “courteous and to follow the set of rules I’ve given you and not defy me. Simple.” Check two for abusive relationship.

“Oh, Anastasia, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?” Like Cheetos, Christian Grey is dangerously cheesy. Or dangerous and cheesy, both ways are accurate.

So they cuddle and go to sleep together, and I have the sobering realization that I have another chapter to do for this post.

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Chapter 17:

There is another titular reference in this chapter! “I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat.” This is in reference to their cuddlefest. Super adorbs, you guys. Aren’t you jealous you’re not reading all the cute deets of their snuggle sesh?

He leaves because he’s going to be late for a meeting, so of course Ana then goes to e-mail him. The subject of her message titled “Assault and Battery: The After-Effects.” Fucked. Up. Seriously fucked up.

Otherwise, the discussion is actually pretty interesting. Ana explains why she’s so conflicted about the spanking incident. She’s embarrased that she kind of liked it, and Christian asks her to try to embrace what she’s actually feeling instead of worrying about how she should be feeling. I guess basically he’s telling her not to worry about what some English major bloggers think of her and to just own it. That’s pretty cool, but I still think he’s a super duper creepster.

Christian also points out that she never used their safeword. This is actually foreshadowing. I’m not saying it’s well done, but I know the end of the book, and this is definitely foreshadowing. Don’t worry, the ending is just as stupid as we were all hoping for hilarity’s sake.

Ana gets to work, and there’s a package for her. It’s a BlackBerry because Christian needs to be able to contact her at all times. Thank god it’s not an Iphone, that’s all I can say. The last thing I need is this book ruining my new baby for me.

Ana’s last day at Claytons is described without much detail. They give her a three hundred dollar bonus, hug her a lot, and the whole BlackBerry thing happened. She’s like, “Good times, peace out.” And no one awkwardly hits on her. All in all, it was a successful page for everyone involved.

Taylor comes to get the old car, Kate is sassy about the new car, Jose comes over for Chinese food. I don’t know how James thinks of these outrageous twists and turns. Elliot shows up to see Kate, and “He seizes her in a Hollywood-style clinch that moves quickly into a European art house embrace.” So Jose and Ana get the hell out of dodge and go to a bar. It makes perfect sense to return to the scene of an almost-sexual assault with the man who attempted the sexual assault in question.

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If you guessed “nothing”, congratulations, you are correct! James just skips completely over the whole scene, and the next thing you know, Ana is whining about how loud Kate and Elliot are in the sack.

Ana has a bunch of missed calls from Christian, and he’s all, “You didn’t call when you said you were gonna call.” But then she calls and there’s a stupid round of, “You hang up, no you hang up.” God, this book is serious food for bulimia.

Christian sends the girls a bottle of champagne with a helicopter balloon attached to celebrate their new digs.

Ana goes to see Christian on Sunday, and he shows her a picture of them from graduation that made it into the papers. That’s fine, but then Christian is like, “I scheduled a gynecologist to come check you out so you can get some contraception and we can forget about these pesky condoms!” To be fair, he told her he was going to do this back in sixteen or something, but I didn’t realize that would be a relevant plot point; I figured it would happen off-book. But, alas, we get this:

“You’re not going to come with me as well, are you?” I gasp, shocked.

He laughs. “I’d pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don’t think the good doctor would approve.

I repeat,

Why in the hell would he want to see this go down?

So, yeah, that’s how the chapter ends, and I can only pray we don’t get a belabored, detailed explanation of what happens to Ana during the examination.

Notes ‘n’ Quotes: 

Chapter 16 Quotes:

-“I shut the machine down with a flourish I don’t really feel.” How does one shut a computer down with a flourish? Maybe I’ll make some sort of how-to video with half-salutes and half-waves, computers shutting with flourishes, writhing convulsively, contortions and more! Perhaps oral sex to asparagus will even come into play.

-“Hearing Christian speak about being hungry. What the hell is that all about?” Ana, like ten minutes ago you established that before he was adopted there was probably some issue with food that happened in his life. You can’t expect me to believe you are this fucking stupid. I mean, I do believe it, but I hate it.

-“His voice is so soft, menacing, and it’s damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire.” Throwing lots of words together will confuse readers into thinking it’s sexy!

Chapter 17 Quotes:

-“‘Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you. I can track your cell phone–remember'” Christian, always a gentleman.

-“We are too uncomfortable with the unrestrained sexing unfolding in front of us.” Hey, that’s exactly how I feel reading this book! What a surprisingly self-aware moment. Just kidding, James probably didn’t intend for that line to make my subconscious say, “Well done.”

-“Elliot stands and admires his handiwork.” is this a reference to Kate’s vagina? That would be hilarious. “He has replugged our TV into the satellite system in our Pike Place Market apartment.” I heard he replugged Kate’s TV last night, winky wink. “Kate and I flop onto the couch giggling, impressed by his prowess with a power drill.” Yeah, I bet Kate’s impressed with his power drill. Damn, that is a really swell name for a penis.

-“‘Are you hungry?”

‘Not for food,” I whisper, and his nostrils flare in reaction.”

So listen, guys, I’m starting work in a couple days, and my job is actually in Seattle! I could totally find my very own Christian Grey flavored popsicle penis! I hear that’s what happens when you journey to Seattle. Well, that or you either get a job as a doctor at Seattle Grace, move in with a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost, start dating a vampire, or try to solve Rosie Larson’s murder. Apparently I watch a lot of things that take place in Seattle.

Anyway, things are going to be a little cray cray for a bit, so I may have to do a chapter at a time. Aw, man, I know prolonging this book is gonna be tough on all of us!

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