It’s Wednesday, and that means it’s bonus post day! This week we finally get to introduce a new feature that we’ve wanted to do since the early days of Bad Books, Good Times, like, a whole four weeks ago! So we present to you the first installment of Bad Fanfiction, Good Times, where instead of reading bad novels that have been published, we count our blessings by finding even worse literature made available by the internet.
We thought it’d be fun for our first Bad Fanfiction, Good Times feature to take a break from reading Fifty Shades of Grey to instead read some Fifty Shades of Grey fanfiction! What an… improvement?
Today’s fanfiction: “100 Colors of Shade” by Colored Shaded Dust
Author’s Summary
What if, instead of Katherine Kavanagh, Anastasia Steele caught the flu? What if Katie was able to finally interview the guy she’d been stalking for the past year? Would she be able to steel herself and steal Christian’s heart in the process?
Our Summary
Ariel:
If that author summary didn’t already get you pumped, I’m not sure what will. Basically Kate is the same character as Ana but she isn’t. She likes manga and video games, while Ana likes classic novels (as you all already know). This time around, Kate never got sick, so she goes to conduct an interview with Christian. And in this universe, she doesn’t think he’s super creepy. Well, she does, but she thinks he’s so seductive anyway. It’s all very complex.
Even though it’s Kate in the situation, a lot goes exactly the same way it did in the actual book. Kate even trips upon first entering Christian’s office, though Ana is supposed to be the klutzy one, not Kate.
Sparks fly right away against Kate’s inner protests. True to Kate’s dislike of Christian in the book, this Kate also refers to him as evil while simultaneously talking about how irresistibly hot he is. A lot of the interview answers are taken right from the original interview, so I won’t bother with the details there.
Kate has an inner teen instead of an inner goddess. Let that one sink in.
I’m assuming this is a work in progress because the chapter just ends with Kate leaving the interview, which was just as painful as it was in the actual novel. Christian is just the worst.
Matthew:
What if instead of Ana having to interview Christian Grey because Kate got sick, Kate didn’t get sick and got to interview Christian Grey after all? Also, what if Ana got sick and couldn’t do the interview she wasn’t going to do? How different would that be? Turns out, it’s all quite similar! Kate literally stumbles into Christian’s office the same way Ana did, fumbles through her interview questions the same way Ana did, and ad-libs the same questions Ana did! It’s all a very clever alternate universe where everything is exactly the same. Except Ana has the flu this time. That’s important.
This is, presumably, the first chapter of the story, and it mirrors the first chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey down to a tee, but with Kate. But Kate is now almost exactly like Ana. But Ana has the flu.
The interview ends slightly differently, as Kate stands up for herself way more than Ana. And then maybe doesn’t because after she adamantly and angrily refuses his somewhat-concealed advances, he’s suddenly taking her on a tour of the building? Maybe? It’s a little ambiguous. All we know for certain is that Ana has the flu.
Best Thing About The Story
Ariel:
Intriguingly enough, the story starts the same way as the real Fifty Shades — with the protagonist thinking about her hair, except this time, she’s happy with it. What a twist! Getting inside Kate’s head reveals that besides Ana, other super hot sexy women think their hair often looks bad and are pleased when it’s a good hair day!
Also the fact that the Kate in this story hates on Ana all the time. All her insults about Ana are actually really spot-on from what we know about her in the books, so kudos to the author for paying serious attention to Ana’s thee character traits. Kate’s like, this girl doesn’t like any guys, doesn’t care about how she looks, and is boring as fuck…but she’s my Ana! And damn, this author nails the overuse of ellipses. James would be proud!
I also love that Kate seems to fucking hate both Christian and Ana one second and then talk about how awesome they are the next.
Matthew:
The parallelism between Fifty Shades of Grey and 100 Colors of Shade is pretty intricate, but I think my favorite part of the story is the extent of just how different Kate and Ana’s characters are. Until they start actually doing anything, of course, because then they go right back to doing the same thing (It’s like crazy anti-chaos theory! It’s CRAZY!). But for everything else, the two are polar opposites. Everything. Else. Ana studies English, Kate studies pre-med! Ana dresses business-casual for the interview, Kate dresses business! Ana drives her car as fast as she wants, Kate is seen “cultishly following the speed limit”.
Guys, this is so crazy I want to give this story my number so it can call me maybe.
Best Thing About The Author
Ariel:
This author clearly paid an alarming amount of attention to the details of the start of Fifty Shades, right down to the sandstone lobby! God, I remember my first sandstone joke.
At first I believed that she made the best unintentional pun of Ana’s name that I could have ever dreamed of. Kate thinks to herself, “Steel yourself like Ana.” Which is now officially my life motto. But then this happens a couple lines later: “I take a deep breath and tell myself to steal myself like Ana Steele would have…. I love puns.” She was so close to something amazing.
Matthew:
I like how well the author emulates E L James’s unsexy sexual descriptions of things, but often takes it in a radical, nonsensical direction. The author tells us all about his “petal-like leps” and “magnetizing ancient eyes”.
Also interesting to note is just how much the author hates the English major. We get the cliched breakdown of how English majors can only go into teaching and won’t make any money and blah blah blah. The author hates the humanities so much that, hey, Kate’s pre-med now? Sure, she’s the editor-in-chief of the school paper and plans to go into journalism, but, you know, Kate’s doing pre-med because that will actually get her somewhere in life. I mean, English majors only know how to write, or, as the author of this story would say, “Luckily, but more of the bad kind, I someone has caught me”.
Ariel on Matthew’s Favorite Parts:
Completely agree with Matthew about all the hating on the humanities. But also Kate admits that she’s being a hypocrit, because even though barely anyone can write a good book, she plans on writing the next classic! “
I don’t like the prospect of disrespect. Writing is good and all, but it mostly takes luck as one has to have the imagination that entertains other.
… though that’s a little bit hypocritical as I plan to one day write a classic myself… I guess I always felt like the exception since I’m well, me.”
Damn, girl.
Matthew on Ariel’s Favorite Parts:
I think the author spent more time studying and breaking down the details of Fifty Shades of Grey than Ariel and I did, and that’s rather worrying. Much like Ariel, I also loved how Kate spent the first four paragraphs of the story telling the reader what a stupid, meaningless person Ana is, and then consciously tries to be like her during the rest of the chapter. Except without the flu. Because Ana has the flu this time.
“Thank you Ana… you should go back to bed and get some rest. Do you want some Acetaminophen or Doxylamine… or perhaps some Dextromethorphan, you have such a strong cough.”
Where We Think The Story Will (or Should) Go Next! (If Applicable)
Ariel: Exactly the same plot of Fifty Shades but with Kate instead of Ana as the protagonist…or perhaps a zombie apocalypse?
Matthew: Kate tries to kill Ana! And bang Christian Grey! And Ana will have the flu even after death!
Favorite Quotes
Ariel:
- “I’m finally going to start writing the article I had planned the moment I learned that Gray has never been seen with a date. I will finally learn if he’s homosexual or asexual… this is going to be so much fun.”
Heterosexual wasn’t even on her radar. Man, what a delightful turn of events for Kate. - “I also happen to like manga and video games better than books… it’s a surprise I was able to become a reporter for the university’s paper event though I’m the only one who’s not majoring in English.”
I wonder if she also likes the Fallout series. These are the details I need! - “I have confidence in my looks as well, but even I know that she’s the prettier one of us, although her beauty has engrossed unwelcome attention like my ample bosom.”
- “”Miss Kavanagh?” Blondie #3 asks, I think this to myself with affection. Everyone I’ve ever adored I’ve added a ‘y’ to: Horsey, doggy, bunny, kitty… all cute things have a y and this new assistant was just as cute as a button, though I don’t particularly find buttons cute, but the idiom is endearing. However, she is a bit too old to be mispronouncing my name though.”
This is possibly stranger than any random detail James has put in Fifty Shades. - “”Of course… as you wish” damn he’s seductive, letting go of my beating heart in the process… traitor. I thought I had gotten over this hormonal teenage stage when I was like… still a teen? I thought to myself sardonically as my eyelids fluttered.”
- “”Well, just because I also happen to be blond doesn’t mean I’m just another clone you can push around and sell out,” I snark sarcastically as I have nothing left to lose since I got everything I needed except for my outrageous pride and poor sense of humor.”
Most. Amazing. Sentences. Ever.
- “I’m finally going to start writing the article I had planned the moment I learned that Gray has never been seen with a date. I will finally learn if he’s homosexual or asexual… this is going to be so much fun.”
I know Ariel put this on her list too, but, come on, how can you pass this up? - She continues to politely smile, but somehow… it’s a bit more pleasant now.
- “[…] a suavely dressed black African-American man walks from the office […]”
In case you were confused. - “We can’t eat money, Kavanagh, and there are too many people on this planet who don’t have enough to eat.”
“And with the digitization of currency, we can’t even hold money in our hands anymore, let alone eat it, but that’s…that’s very philanthropic,” - “You were adopted… How has that shaped the way you are?” I hope I didn’t offend him and then his brow furrows, damn, mission failed.
“I have no way of knowing.”
I love this. It’s like the author wasn’t satisfied with Christian Grey not answering the question in the novel, but only because it’s a question that’s technically unanswerable. - “Are you… twitching?” his voice shocked and concerned.
“Oh, it’s just a habit I made so that when I have children it is a fair warning to inform them that I’m mad so that instead of taking the conventional path of screaming and thereby soaring my throat and scaring their sensitive ears, they are quietly informed that I’m pissed off since I doubt I’ll be able to speak dead to them like you do to me,” - “Sure, I may call myself a sheeple, but I’m not really a sheep though I have the strange suspicious that Grey is a big bad wolf out to consume me whole”
This is actually really clever, if you’ve been reading Fifty Shades of Grey almost exclusively for a month and this is what clever means to you now.
Ratings
But is it better than the real Fifty Shades?
Ariel: 100 Colors of Shade < Fifty Shades of Grey. Will not be the next fanfic turned original novel.
Matthew: 100 Colors of Shade = Four Shades of Grey. It is just not very many shades of grey, guys.
