Accidentally posted this while I was in the middle of writing the post, sorry for you guys who got e-mails with a working title and unfinished quotes!
As we rapidly approach the end of the first Fifty Shades, I’m forced to ponder how on earth this is a trilogy. But I guess if James needed 400 pages to get Ana to agree to sign the contract, she’ll need at least 1000 more pages to make other stuff happen.
Summary
21
Ana continues whining to herself about Christian, but I guess as far as realistic portrayals of people go, this is not too far off from what really happens in people’s minds when they’re crazy about someone. But for the sake of good writing, I wish James had at least tried to skip over some of the repetitive angst.
Then, Ana makes stupid comments about life:
Life in the clouds sure feels unreal. A fantasy–a castle in the air, adrift from the ground, safe from the realities of life–far away from neglect, hunger, and crack-whore mothers.”
Only in this book would a line about crack-whore mothers make me laugh so fucking hard.
After this chapter’s first angst session, we finally meet the legendary Mrs. Jones, and Ana has one of her weird inner reactions to someone referring to her as something,
“‘Would you like some breakfast, ma’am?’
Ma’am!”
I don’t understand why Ana reacts so strongly when someone refers to her litterally by anything be it her actual name, a nickname, or apparently ma’am.
Excitingly enough, another dangerously cheesy moment happens again as Christian sweeps all of his papers and things off his desk so he can sex Ana up on it.
“You want it, you got it, baby.”
How does Ana have sex with Christian without hysterically laughing every time? I tried to imagine this line in a lot of different voices like Ryan Gosling’s, random hot guys I know, and even Morgan Freeman’s voice, and no matter what it just sounds either sarcastic or unintentionally hilarious.
Oh, I forgot to mention that after Christian says that terrible line, this happens:
“You want it, you got it,baby,” he mutters, producing a foil packet from his pants pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh, Mr. Boyscout.
Pretty sure no Boyscout’s handbook mentions always carrying a condom, though it’s not the worst idea in the world. You never know when you’re gonna get it get it, amiright ya’ll?
So after some rousing table sex, James continues with the trend of never just letting sex be sex but turn into something really stupid and terrible. Christian gets all weird and again starts saying things like, “What are you doing to me, Miss Steele?” and, “You are so beguiling.”
He asks her again if she has to go to Georgia, and she says yes, and they both start acting even more awkwardly around each other than usual.
I glance down at the foil packet beside me.
“Always prepared,” I murmer.
He looks at me confused as he redoes his fly. I hold up the empty packet.
“A man can hope, Anastasia, dream even, and sometimes his dreams come true.”
He sounds so odd, his eyes burning. I just don’t understand. My postcoital glow is fading fast. What is his problem?
“So, on your desk, that’s been a dream?” I ask dryly, trying humor to lighten the atmosphere between us.”
Now you have the general gist of weirdness. If Ana was in any way, shape, or form intelligent, she might have pieced together that Christian now equates her going to Georgia alone with questioning their relationship, so he’s feeling insecure. But Ana is an idiot, so she doesn’t get it.
More awkwardness ensues, and this time I don’t really understand what’s happening either:
He seemed confused. Why? I have to say as physical experiences go, that was very satisfying. But emotionally-well, I’m rattled by his reaction, and that was about as emotionally enriching as cotton candy is nutritious.”
Apparently a major point of this chapter is that Christian thinks desk sex is emotional and Ana doesn’t? During shower time, Ana ponders the everlasting mystery that is Christian Grey, even going so far as to consult the whole crew:
I look to my subconscious. She’s whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but me. She hasn’t got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in the remnant of postcoital glow. No–we’re all clueless.
I like how Ana’s inner goddess just doesn’t give a fuck. She’s like, hit it and quit it, man. I wish Ana was more like her inner goddess personality. Not the subconscious, though, who the fuck whistles with their hands behind their back when they don’t know something? That shit’s dumb as hell.
After showering, Ana goes to get some tea from Mrs. Jones, and she makes this point of telling us that Christian is nowhere to be found, but two seconds later he’s ordering food for her, and Ana doesn’t say, “Oh, he appeared from out of nowhere.” Why’s she gotta pick on poor Taylor every time he surprises her but Christian can just show up when and where he pleases with no comment whatsoever?
Christian offers Ana his jet to go to Georgia. But before that he asks Ana if she has her ticket, and she goes, “No, I’ll buy it when I get home–over the Internet.” Ana is sure taking this whole “Internet” thing and running with it. She’s so savy!
In her defense, when Christian offers his jet, Ana has to fight the urge to roll her eyes and laugh. Finally she acknowledges what a ridiculous human being he is! She turns down the offer, the conversation gets serious again when she tells him he never explained the “no touching rule”, which just makes me think of Arrested Development.
Then they confess they’re going to miss each other. Aw. And abruptly the scene shifts to Ana waiting for her first interview of the next day. But there’s so much angsting I’m sure we missed out on! What thoughts did Ana have during this missing period of time? I’m just not going to be able to sleep tonight with these sorts of questions hanging over my head and my imagination running wild.
Ana really wants a job at a small publishing company, and I bet you anything they’re going to be wowed by her for no apparent reason. Classic Ana. She meets Jack Hyde who seems to be getting enough attention that he warrants mention. Ana makes a point of saying how he basically reminds her of Christian and kind of unsettles her at first, but then she’s like, nah, he’s charming. Ana needs to learn to trust her gut about unsettling men.
But then she feels unsettled after her interview and doesn’t know why. Man, she can’t stick with one emotion ever. It’s exhausting reading this book. When Ana gets home, Kate asks how the interview went, and Ana starts whining about the wrong fucking outfit choice, saying she should have gone boho chic.
Kate: “You and boho chic.” She cocks her head to one side–gah! Why is everyone reminding me of my favorite Fifty Shades?
Hang on a second…Fifty Shades…Fifty Shades. Damn, now, I get the title!
The gals girl talk a little, and Ana’s all, “We haven’t done much talking lately, ifyaknowwhatimean, nudge nudge.”
To which Kate responds, “That’ll be the sexing! If that’s going well, then that’s half the battle, Ana. I’ll grab some Chinese takeout.” What the fuck was all that about?
Ana starts e-mailing Christian, and just kind of stares at the computer until he answers. One thing I have to admit is that I do some of this shit that I mock Ana mercilessly for. Reading this book is putting shit about my life into perspective for me that I’d never even considered.
E-mails are exchanged in which Ana asks if Mrs. Jones is a former sub of Christian’s, and he’s like, “Dude, no.”
The chapter ends with Ana finding out Christian bumped her up to first class. Man, when he does nice stuff for her, I really want to like him, but it’s like enough is enough sometimes, dude.
I’m somewhere in the 5th chapter in the second book and couldn’t take much more so I started hunting down blogs doing recaps to get analysis as it were and some much needed levity. You guys quickly became a favorite, I read all of the ones posted here over the weekend, I’m listening to the audiobook and all the “holy shit/crap/fuck/moses/hell”, “jeez” “oh my”, “dios mio!” and so on are made excruciating by the woman reading it. She really does the most to make everyone sound denser than EL James likely didn’t even intend them to. I think if I were actually reading the book and were hearing it in my voice, I wouldn’t be having such a visceral reaction to it but from the excerpts I’ve seen here and elsewhere, looking at it would likely make my eyeballs melt. I’ve been getting some strangely concerned looks from my family lately because I was actually crying out in pain and disbelief sprinkled with some choice expletives from every stupid thing happening. I think I might have cycled through the first 4 stages of grief twice in one chapter. I can’t recall a more mentally taxing reading experience in my life. And what’s worse is I’ve tried quitting it, I’ve deleted the files many many times but I end up recovering them because I have to finish it. I have to so that 1-I can keep up with recaps (a sanity “did I REALLY just read that?” check) and 2-be fully prepared with criticism in the event that I am asked (which I have been asked more times since I started it a week ago than before when I only knew about it, there’s a name for that phenomenon that is escaping me at the moment). Sorry for the rambling, I had just finished reading a particularly idiotic passage and had to release. Bless you all for doing this, you are keeping people sane and entertained.
I’m so happy you found us and are enjoying our torture…I mean, blog!
I can only imagine how painful the audiobook must be. Part of me is tempted to listen just so I can do a post on it, but part of me is also very concerned for my sanity.
I think we may be required to do a bonus post on the audiobook. I didn’t know one existed.
I’m glad to hear that you found us so entertaining! And useful! I should put this site on my resume.
Have you read 50 shades darker yet where every other line she calls him “my fifty”? literally, that “fifty shades of fucked up” line was so insignificant and no one would actually make that much of it. I bet James feels really clever about it though.
Great post as always!
I wonder if they got Morgan Freeman to do the audiobook because I would so listen to that! Also, you guys are hilarious. Cheers.
They really should at least approach him about it; it never hurts to try!
Thank you, we aim to please 🙂
I finally decided to read the book only after I stumbled onto your blog. Makes reading the book more tolerable! Also, I learned early on not to read your posts with coffee in my mouth. It gets spit out or choked on. Thank you for the laughs!!!
In a way I’m sad that we’re making more people suffer through this book, but on the other hand, I’m glad we’re helping sooth the pain a little.
Thank you for the kind words!
I started listening to the audio book and its the only one I have ever removed from the player in disgust – the narrator talks like the ditziest teenage girl you can imagine, combine that with the ‘story’ and its irritating beyond belief… I’ll just find out what happens by reading you 🙂
I cannot wait to listen to the sample you posted! Thank you so much!
Please listen to at least a bit of the audio book, I’m certain it would make for comedy gold. No, make that platinum.
At this point, it seems like we have to! I’m excited but also scared.
http://www.audible.com/pd/ref=sr_1_1?asin=B007TKHW0A&qid=1341380137&sr=1-1
you can listen to a sample there 3:)
OH GOD WHY IS THIS REAL OH GOD
Painful, sure. At least she sounds as passionate about Christian’s phallic building as James apparently intended! I expect she may even reach orgasm reading about his actual penis. (But then, didn’t we all?)
it is just THERE it is haunting me
I made it to the first sex scene, decided there wasn’t anything that couldbjustify having to listen to that voice anymore wand deleted it
“Hang on a second…Fifty Shades…Fifty Shades. Damn, now, I get the title!”
Woah, woah… what?? You can’t just leave that there, explain goddam it. I can’t very well google 50 shades and expect to find whatever original meaning it had can I?
Christian *himself* is Fifty Shades (of fucked up). And his last name is Grey! There are just so many layers and meanings to enjoy from this rich novel.
Ah, I’ve since read the entry where that description of himself made everything clear. I’m now much more confused by the sentence in general though. “Why is everyone reminding me of my favourite [Christian Grey]?” …? Oh well, i’d better catch up to date so i can stop making embarrassing faux pas’ like not knowing the Christian Grey is 50 Shades of fucked up.
Maybe it’s too much for EL James to comprehend… But Skype is a wonderful free invention. And Instant Messengers usually come free on computers too. Why don’t they use these things? Why the endless emailing back and forth like they are stuck in the 90s? You know what’s great about this invention, Ana (I can’t believe you’re in college and don’t know what IM is)? It’s instant. So you don’t have to wait around pining all night wondering why he won’t respond to you. You might still wait around all night waiting, but it will be because one of you fell asleep at the keyboard.
Obviously, the fact that James is lacking in basic knowledge regarding American lingo, speech patterns, spellings, geography, and has NO real idea of what a true (read NOT abusive) BDSM relationship is like points to the fact that she is every bit as lacking in computer literacy as her character. After all, when Grey wants to stay in constant contact with Ana rather than having to stick to hearing from her when she is at her computer, he sends her… a Blackberry. Not an iPhone or iPad, not an Android phone or tablet, but a Blackberry. Really? I mean, I get it that the president not wanting to give up his Blackberry during the 2008 campaign was basically a celebrity endorsement, but come on.