Kinky F**kery: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 2

Now that I’m using an electronic version of Fifty Shades Darker I can work on it while my children are screaming in the halls! How delightful! But seriously, kids, shut up. I regret taking you to Starbucks already. Just kidding, they’d be hyper anyway, and I got a mocha cookie crumble! And a bagel!

In Matt ‘n’ Ariel news, we’re very excited to be reunited at the end of August and go out to a celebratory dinner together. Finishing a Fifty Shades book is deserving of a special dinner off campus. And possibly a parade of some sort.

Chapter 2

Christian takes Ana to a restaurant and harps on her more about eating. I can’t reiterate enough how disgusted I am by that aspect of their relationship. Maybe I’m taking it too personally because every day everyone at work gives me shit for not eating enough, but seriously, SOMETIMES EATING IS FUCKING HARD!

Things are pretty tense because of all the drama surrounding Ana and Christian from their breakup but also ’cause Ana hugged Jose and that apparently translated into her leading Jose on while making Christian jealous. Hookay.

I frown at Fifty. What’s eating him? Oh, me probably, and somewhere in the depths of my
psyche, my inner goddess rises sleepily, stretches, and smiles. She’s been asleep for a while.

Five days. She’s been asleep for five days.

So then Christian actually calls Ana out for not using the safe word in the last book while he was spanking her. I do kind of get her explanation, which is essentially that she forgot about it when her mind was busy trying to deal with the pain, give him what he wanted, etc. I still think she’s an idiot, but to her credit she’s embarrassed about it. Sometimes you get really pissed off about something and then realize, hey, you’re kind of to blame too.

Christian’s reaction is fucking ridiculous:

“You forgot!” he gasps with horror, grabbing the sides of the table and glaring at me. I wither under his stare.

I tried to act out what this might look like in real life, but ended up laughing so hard I was near tears because of how ridiculous it was. Moments like those I’m actually thankful this series is in my life because laughs like that don’t come easily. Maybe I’ll send James a fruit basket and only poison some of the fruit! Kidding, please don’t arrest me?

So then even after this really touchy subject about the Super Spanking, Christian tells Ana if she doesn’t eat he’s going to take her across his knee. Oh, ew, god. If a guy ever said these things to me I would just stare at him and burst out laughing! I wouldn’t even believe it! Then I’d go tell all my friends and probably the entire internet! Every single person on the internet.

They leave the restaurant, and in the car Christian opens their conversation about the future of their relationship with:

Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”
My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak.
“Kinky fuckery.”

This is the greatest exchange of the book yet. I know we’re not even two chapters deep yet, but I can’t express how joyous this conversation makes me. Kinky fuckery. I’ll never remove these words from my vocabulary now that they’re in my brain together like this. Kinky fuckery. Say it. Come on, just say it out loud. How much fun was that?

I can’t wait to be with Matt again just so we can say these words back and forth over and over and make other people around us uncomfortable!

Ana explains that she likes the kinky fuckery, but is still bothered by the fact that he get so much pleasure from her pain. So Christian offers to have a vanilla relationship until they both trust each other to do some of the more kinky fuckery. Haha, kinky fuckery.

They make proclamations of love and adoration, and Ana agrees to his offer. Christian still won’t let Ana touch him because his mother’s pimp used to beat him.

Christian gives Ana a gift before he drops her off at home. The package contains the items she left with him before like her Blackberry and Macbook Pro, but now it also contains an iPad. 

Opening the case, I find an iPad. Holy shit . . . an iPad.

Just in case it wasn’t clear, she got a new iPad.

He put lots of music on it for her. But Ana says it better than I do:

Holy cow. I have a Christian Grey mix-tape in the guise of a high-end iPad.

It’s all well and good as Ana’s scrolling through the music, until James fucking spells Nelly Furtado’s name, Nellie Furtado. I am always very nervous about spelling names wrong, so often when I’m writing reviews or blog entries I just do a quick google search. Come the freak on, James!

After all this, it must be pretty clear to Ana that Christian has incredibly strong feelings for her, right? Wrong.

Does this mean Christian’s going to try? Try this new relationship? I drink in the lyrics, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand his turnaround. He missed me. I missed him. He must have some feelings for me. He must. This iPad, these songs, these apps—he cares. He really cares. My heart swells with hope.

I guess if I was in doubt about a relationship, only the sweet embrace of iPad apps and music would appease my fears. What a realistic and insightful moment.

She listens to the music and e-mails Christian some mushy stuff about how great he and the music both are, and he again tells her how she’s going to beg for them to make love and blady blah.

It’s amazing how James has perfected the craft of writing a chapter’s worth of words that are almost all completely unnecessary and repetitive.  This is one of my shortest posts ever just because nothing happened in this chapter!

I wonder if they’ll ever have to stop talking about how their relationship is going to be and just, you know, have a relationship.

My poll for you this post, readers, is a deeply personal question.