I’d Drink to That…

This week’s guest post comes from our friend Ellen, who went to the same creative writing summer program for cool kids who are cool that Matthew and Ariel met at. Fun Fact: Matthew and Ellen went to Poland one time because they were already in England so why not. Around that time, Ellen read Fifty Shades of Grey at the not-recommendation of this blog, and this is what happened. Enjoy!

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Do you ever find yourself reading a bad book?  A book so bad you want to light it on fire?  A book so punishing your dog won’t even eat it?  A book so painful you’ve found yourself compulsively attempting to tie yourself a noose out of your bed sheets? A book so disgustingly awful you’d like to rip it into pieces small enough to stuff down your kitchen drain so that the disposal can grind them into a pulp?

I have.

It’s called Fifty Shades of Grey.

Let me start this post by explaining that I wasn’t always a big drinker (of alcohol.  I’ve always been a fan of apple juice.).  So when I explain this drinking game to you, I want you to understand that I understand.  Maybe you don’t like drinking.  Maybe you think alcohol tastes nasty (it totally does).  But as the resident neuroscience major, I am here to tell you that the only way you can truly scorch that horrible book from your mind (because who uses their fireplace anymore, right?) is through an old-fashioned shot of vodka.  Or forty.

Now, I know that Ariel has already given us a brilliant Fifty Shades of Grey drinking game, but let’s be honest.   As sad as this fact is, Fifty Shades of Grey is not the only bad book out there.  Saddest of all, it’s not even the worst.  What we need in this age of terrible writing is a game that can apply to any bad book.  A game that you can resort to when you find yourself in your local forest at three in the morning screaming for the bears to eat off your face so you can’t read Fifty Shades Darker anymore.  So here it is: the one game guaranteed to make you forget any bad book you are currently reading.

Keep in mind: this game is not safe, is definitely not recommended by your physician, and should not be attempted at home (only in shameful public places).

So please…mix yourself a strong drink and get reading (you might want to sit down).

DRINK WHENEVER:

• The grammar makes you cringe.  This should occur at least once per page.  If you’re not good with grammar, you can drink whenever you see a page number.  Please keep your eyes near the corners of the pages.
• The main character describes herself (it’s going to be a girl, 95% guaranteed) as “plain,” “boring,” “unpopular,” or “ugly.”  Drink twice if she’s comparing herself to her female best friend.  Drink three times if the best friend has a boyfriend.  Even if he’s not mentioned in this particular reference to the best friend.
• You see the word “I.”  If you’re not good with spelling, you can drink whenever you see the letter “i” instead.  Or better yet: drink to both.
•  You suddenly think you’re reading Twilight.*  This could result from one of several instances:
  1. A male character takes off his shirt to reveal a six-pack and glistening skin.
  2. Vampires.
  3. Sparkles.
  4. Rain.
  5. Literal twilight.  Like when the sun starts going down.  That time.

*If you are reading Twilight, throw yourself down the kitchen disposal.  Do us all a favor.

•  A male character calls the main character “special,” “beautiful,” or “sexy.”  Drink twice if it’s her male best friend who she thinks of as a brother or a father figure.
• You sense the formation of a love triangle.  This is an instinct thing.  If you instinctively realize you need more vodka, drink.
• You see an SAT word.  Didn’t pass the SATs?  Drink whenever a word is longer than seven letters.  Drink twice if it has four syllables or more.
• You see yourself in the main character.  You might want to chug here.  To ease your distress.
• You pray to a deity of your choosing that the main character would just drop dead on the spot.  Preferably steamrollered.  Drink twice if you usually wouldn’t pray to a deity at all.
• The words start getting blurry from all the drinking.
• You read 50 pages.  You deserve a celebration!  Do your best to pass out at this point.  Sure, it’s a sign of alcohol poisoning, but if you die, it has to be less painful than becoming a snack for a ravenous bear.  Just saying.