Time for a (Penis) Boat Ride!: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 9

I work in the writing center at my college, and today someone brought in a paper about Erica Jong’s  Fear of Flying, and while he was explaining what the book was about he said, “My professor calls it the 70’s Fifty Shades of Grey.” As I began to read quotes from his paper with phrases like “zipless fuck”, I saw the truth in this statement. I’m offended on this book’s behalf, though, what if it’s actually a good read?

Chapter 9

Christian has just revealed that he loves Ana. She reacts to this with confidence…or does she?

And I know in this moment that my heart is big enough for both of us. I hope it’s big enough for both of us.

After this revelation, it seems James has begun to run out of ideas for how to increase their intimacy. So she has them dry each other’s hair after they get out of the shower. Ana has the nerve to refer to it as “blossoming intimacy.” So I guess the next step is for them to clip each other’s toenails?

So they have sex, which is again mercifully off-screen, and Ana demonstrates the most awkward conversational skills ever.

“And it means you’re mine, completely.” All trace of humor has vanished as he gazes at me.

“Yes, I am,” I murmur back at him. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“Your biological father . . . do you know who he was?” This thought has been bugging me.

Well, that was random. And considering that we have a running commentary of what goes on in Ana’s head, I’m shocked that this is the first I’m hearing of this thought that’s apparently been bugging her. Instead of this new curiosity, we’re subjected to Ana’s retelling of events that we just fucking read! I mean as far as developments go, I don’t really give a shit about this one, but still.

Christian isn’t sure who is dad is, but he does know it wasn’t his mother’s pimp. The same man who locked him in a room with his mother’s dead body for days. I hate when this book actually makes me sad, bring back the lols!

They get ready to head out because Christian has another surprise for Ana. Oh, boy! She goes on and on about how they’re so synchronized with how they put on their clothes and shit. True love?

Christian takes Ana to buy a new car, but not an Audi because he wants to show her she’s not like the other submissives he bought Audis for in the past! Like a total asshole, Ana reacts like this inside:

I resign myself to my fate. A Saab? Do I want a Saab? I quite like the Audi Submissive Special. It was very nifty.

You resign yourself to your fate of your boyfriend buying you a new car? And now, after complaining about how he bought you the same car he bought all his previous ladies, you’re not thrilled he’s showing you you’re more special any way he can? PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!!

It’s also been awhile, but Ana has another one of her inward-reaction-echo things. Those always make me laugh!

“A Saab, sir? Pre-owned?” He rubs his hands with glee.

“New.” Christian’s lips set into a hard line.

New!

The salesman starts playing up convertibles, and Ana’s inner goddess starts to drool. While the men take care of business as God intended, Ana muses on her relationship with Christian, again retelling us information she has been fucking telling us this entire chapter.

Yes. I do. I remember his whispered, choked words from this morning, and a melting glow spreads like warm honey through my veins. This man— God’s gift to women—loves me.

Just to remind you, Christian is God’s gift to women.

So they go on their merry way and stop to get lunch. There, Ana meets another unimportant character, and she gives us lots of unnecessary and bizarre details about Dante:

He’s black and beautiful, his dark eyes assessing me and not finding me wanting, it
seems. One large diamond stud winks at me from his ear. I like him immediately.

Because he’s black? Beautiful? Has a diamond stud in his ear that is winking at her? It’s unclear and all strange. Anyway, after lunch, Christian’s surprise turns out to be his big…boat. Which is definitely another object symbolizing his massive penis.

I almost made a poll asking if you think they’re going to have sex on this boat, but the answer is too obvious to even be funny at this point. Ya’ll, we are in for some boat sex. Some massive, throbbing boat sex. But Ana says it better than I can:

“Might have to christen this bed,” he whispers against my mouth.

Oh, at sea!

Oh, at sea, indeed, Ana.

They decide now is not the time for sex (aw, dang it), but they have some, uh, sexy flirting going on?

“You love strapping me in, don’t you?”

“In any form,” he says, a wicked grin playing on his lips.

“You are a pervert.”

“I know.” He raises his eyebrows and his grin broadens.

“My pervert,” I whisper.

“Yes, yours.”

It gets too serious at the end for me to find that to be cute flirting. There’s not a facetious bone in that body.

Ana gets to steer the boat. Look at all the fucks I give. Then she finally mentions her BFF Kate who has been missing this whole book and talks about missing her. Man, I certainly miss Kate saying things like, “That’ll be the sexing.”

Ana and Christian have sex. There is feet kissin, strippin, and Ana talking about how Christian deserves sexy. I deserve sleep. Just sayin’. Instead I have to read lines like this, ” I’m cocooned by him, as he loves me, slowly moving in and out, savoring me.” Stop, please.

And then they like come together and shit. Chapter over, Ariel out.