There’s a Dummy Behind a Dumpster, Let’s Take it Home!: Night of the Living Dummy Chapters 1-4

These chapters are like a page long! How insanely awesome is that? Why do I even bother reading adult novels with like long chapters and complicated words?

Chapter 1

We open with Kris and Lindy Powell dicking around. They’re twins, so they do things like pop each other’s bubble gum bubbles and make each other lose places in books! What crazy kids, I sure hope a psychotic dummy doesn’t terrorize them in the near future.

Kris is pissed because Lindy popped the biggest balloon she ever blew, leading to this line from Lindy:

“I”ve blown much bigger than that.”

For shame, R.L. Stine, this is a children’s book! Not Fifty Shades of Grey. 

We find out a lot of mundane information about the twins like the fact that they’re both blonde but with different length hair, wish they were taller, and are twelve. I never thought I’d feel this way, but I wish we’d get to the scary stuff.

These two sisters may be fighting now, but I bet they have to band together later to fight against evil!

After some prodding, the twin’s mother convinces them to go on a bike ride. They should have taken their dog Barky on a walk instead…assholes. Also, if anything bad happens to the dog at any point I’m putting the book down and not finishing it. But I’m pretty sure that would have stuck with me for my whole life if that happened in this book. I’m very easily scarred by things. Very sensitive.

The girls don’t get very far, though, instead they go explore the house next door, which is currently being built. After looking around, they decide to go check out the dumpster outside? And there they find the dummy.

Chapter 2

At first Kris thinks her sister is holding up a human child, which would be a whole ‘nother terrifying Goosebumps story. Wait, not even Goosebumps that’s some Law and Order: SVU shit right there. But anyway, Lindy actually says this:

“A ventriloquist’s dummy,” she said, “someone threw him out. Do you believe it? He’s in perfect shape.”

Girl, you never need an excuse to throw one of those horrific monstrosity’s out, you need an excuse to have one, no matter what the condition!

Kris wisely suggests that Lindy throw him back, but her shit-head of a sister refuses. God damn it Lindy, you die first!

Wisely, Kris is having none of this bullshit. She stares suspiciously at the dummy and immediately notices how creepy looking he is. Unfortunately, Kris’ sister clearly is mentally unstable and “[cuddles] the dummy against the front of her T-shirt.” She also names him Slappy and claims she’s going to improve her ventriloquism skills. She even thinks this is a marketable skill and she’ll earn money from it! At birthday parties!

Things get really bizarre as there’s a sudden shift in point of view. At first it seemed like a close third on Kris, but suddenly we’re getting Lindy’s thoughts as a couple of neighborhood kids come by and are wildly entertained by Lindy and Slappy. Lindy is smug because she thinks Kris is super jealous, and then the chapter ends on this freaky note:

She stared into the dummy’s bright blue painted eyes. To her surprise, the dummy seemed to be staring back at her, a twinkle of sunlight in his eyes, his grin wide and knowing.

Chapter 3

There is a really abrupt scene shift. Suddenly the twins’ father is asking Lindy who called earlier, and she says it was a woman asking her to perform with Slappy at her child’s birthday party. What the even fuck? Where is this coming from? How far into the future is this? Has Lindy developed her skills that much? Has the dummy murdered anyone yet? I just have so many questions!

Oh okay, apparently it’s been a week, and Lindy’s been rehearsing every day. No mention of any dummy related murders yet.

Kris, who I believed to be the coolest and wisest character in this book, is finally dazzled by the life of glamour Lindy has apparently begun to lead this past week. She, too, wants a dummy. Lindy gets pissed that her sister is being a copycat, and I’m inclined to agree with Lindy.

Kris begs her parents to buy her a dummy, but they’re essentially like, “They’re too expensive, go find another one by the dumpster like your sister.” But then they suggest the two share Slappy. Kris reaches over to hold Slappy, and he lives up to his name and slaps her in the face. Epic!

Chapter 4

Lindy blames Slappy for the slap, and we know that she’s probably being legit, but she hands over the dummy and ends up apologizing. Inwardly, Lindy angsts about having nothing to herself and having to share everything. I’m so glad my brother and I just occasionally fight about sharing the Ps3 or the X-box and not over a demonic dummy.

This is a very short chapter and ends about 3 pages later. Kris wakes up from a nightmare she can’t quite remember. She see Slappy staring at her, and she goes over to examine him. He’s kind of creeping her out, so she knocks him over and then turns to go back to bed. AND THEN HE GRABS HER WRIST!

BUM BUM BUM!!!!!